The "Absolute Dumbest Questions You've Ever Heard" Thread

[Chris]

This thread is reserved for the dumbest questions that you have ever asked / encountered. I'll start off with one of the most recent "no-brainers" I overheard.

My store lost power for about 5 hours on Good Friday. All of the equipment to cook food on / in had cooled off to the point where food could not be cooked on / in it. Upon power being restored, people immediatly tried to start ordering food.

Customer: I'd like to order a number 2.
Employee: I'm sorry, it's still going to be about an hour before we can serve food.
Customer: What do you mean? You have power! Why can't you serve me food?!

[12AX7]

Get em a Go Large Glob of cold fry vat grease. Scraped from the grout joints in the tile floor under the fry vats.

[Wunderkind]

We get several calls to the front desk about this every week. To make things clear, these are not new TVs. They all still have a large obvious power button on the front display.

Guest: My remote isn't working. I can't turn off my TV.
Me (trying hard not snicker): Would you like me to send Engineering to your room?
Guest: NO! I just want to turn off my TV and the remote won't work!
Me: The power button on the front, lower right-hand corner below the screen on the TV should turn it off.
Guest: Okay, now what?
Me: It didn't turn off when you pushed the button?
Guest: I haven't pushed the button yet.
Me:...
As if the whole conversation to this point wasn't priceless enough, here comes the million-dollar question...
Guest: Nothing's happening. Am I supposed to push the power button?

[12AX7]

10:37pm-  Verizon Field Tech: "Im so-and-so blah-blah and I need to get the password for out here; y'all changed it and now I can't get in."

 Me: "Hang on one second; let's see here... *while I look it up* ... "say, are you using a script to dial and log in? Because we don't change passwords; unless we get a workorder from your boss, and he'd give us the same thing, I'm sure. I'm just asking cos if it was entered a lil bit off, and auto-redials; it will lock the SEB (modem) out."

Tech: (annoyed, and a bit assholish) "It WAS working fine, and y'all got me locked out now."

Me: whatever, dumbass "Ok...  here we go. Do you just need the password, or you need the modem number and login and everything?"

Tech: "Let me get everything."

Me: " Ok, modem is 123-456-7890, login is S3bL0g1N, switch login is LOGIN and the password is P A S S w0RD..."

Tech: "That's the same thing I got."

Me: "Hmm."

Tech: " I already tried that one; and it dont work."

Me: "Well. . .  that's what we have."

Tech: "That one don't work."

Me: " y  y  Yeh. . ."

He just sits on the phone...

Me: " Soo...  ?"

Tech: "Well that password dont work."

Whisky Tango Foxtrot am I supposed to do? Shit one?

Me: "Well, I dont know what to tell ya, buddy; that's all we got. That's what we use."

Tech: "How am I supposed to log in now?"

Me: "All I can say is maybe call your Branch Manager (his boss) and get it from him.

We hang up.

10:54pm- Tech: "Im so-and-so blah-blah and I need to get the password for out here."

I roll my eyes, look it up, and read it out to him.

Tech: "That's the same one y'all gave me awhile ago."

Me: "yyYep."

Tech: "Well that one don't work. I told you that."

Me: "And I told you that was the login info we had."

Tech: "Well I can't get logged in with that one; that one you gave me."

And so we sit on the phone, silently; him waiting ( I presume ) for me to shit another password, me just being passive-aggressive and going about my business; letting him sit there. I have no idea what the hell he's expecting, and I'm absolutely sure he has no clue, either.
  Almost a minute later...

Tech: "Well!?"

Me: "What?"

Tech: "I need the login information; I have to get in this site!"

Me: "Aight...  one second . . .  OK! The modem number is 123-456-7890, the SEB login is S3bL0g1N, switch login is LOGIN and the password is HL1RRR."

Tech: "Ok. Thanks."

We hang up and didn't speak again.

True story   S E V E R A L  TIMES. No shit.

 

[Novice]

Here's a dumb one I get a lot:

Anyone: "Hey Joey! You drinkin' tonight?"

I like to answer by chugging a beer.

[BizB]

While pumping up my kite on the beach - or deflating it after a great session...
Is that a tent?
Where's the plane you jumped out of?
Is the boat coming back to get you?

While putting away my biggest kite because there isn't enough wind to keep it in the air...
Too much wind for ya?

[ydnamtnediserp]

are you twins?

[12AX7]

are you twins?

+1

[Chris]

A customer walks into the store early in the morning and the register attendant greets him, to which he replies, "Are you guys open?"

My history professor was using a Power Point presentation to show the class notes on the material being covered. A kid raised his hand and asked, "Can you go back to the previous slide?" The professor then replied, "Hah, no."

[Vespertine]

Here's my absolute favorite two dumbest questions ever.

When Christmas shopping last year, I was looking for a specific coat for my mom.  I went to the store that sells it.  They had the right color, but not in mom's size.  The manager looks up the inventory at other stores.  She calls one of these other stores and tells the girl that answers that she's going to walk her through a phone sale and "ship receipt".  The manager does her thing with the other salesgirl and hands the phone to me so that I can give her my card number and address.  After we get the card number done, the conversation goes like this:

Salesgirl: Okay, what's your address?

Me (saying all the words): One, two, three, four south forty-third drive.

Salesgirl: Ummmm....should I spell out 'south'?

Me: dead silence

Me (in my head): Depends on whether you're capable of spelling 'south'.

Me (out loud): Yeah, that doesn't really make a difference.  Are you ready for the rest of the address?

Salesgirl: Yes.

Me: Laveen (it's a suburb of Phoenix) (the salesgirl is at another store IN PHOENIX)

Salesgirl (interrupting me before I can give her the zip code): Ummm...is that the country?

I was hella surprised when that jacket actually showed up at my house a couple days later.  I didn't know it was possible for someone to be that dumb.

[reimero]

This happened at work a couple of years back.  The person being requested was my predecessor's predecessor, so I knew about him, but I'd never met him.

C: Caller
M: Me
P: Predecessor's predecessor

C: Hello, can I speak with P please?
M: He no longer works here.
C: Oh.  Do you know when he'll be back?
M:  Ummm... he no longer works here.
C: I see.  Is there a spouse I could speak with?
M:  He doesn't work here any more.
C: Well, is there someone I could leave a message with?
M: No.  I've never met the guy and have no idea how to contact him.
C: *a ray of understanding finally hits* Oh.  Okay.  Well, thanks.

[12AX7]

I used to get this or a similar one every week or so:

caller: "Can I speak to Coach Joe*?" (* not his real name; I actually dont remember it. I remember 'coach' because of another call I'll tell you about in a minute.)

me: "Sorry, but you have the wrong number."

caller: " . . .this isn't Carolina High School?"

me: "Nope."

caller: "Is this 269-2907?"  <-which was my home phone number (actual number shown) for over 10 years.

me: "Yes, it is."

caller: "And this isn't Carolina High School?"

me: " N O. "

caller: " .  .  . are you sure?"

me: " Uh.   .    .    I don't know. Let me go fucking check."

*click*


After several calls from different people asking for Coach, I told them he no longer worked here and had been incarcerated for something with one of the kids. I honestly got no more calls for Carolina High School or Coach Whateverhisnamewas.

[BizB]

My home number is one digit away from the main telephone number for the Toledo Zoo.  If my phone rings before 10 am on a Saturday or Sunday, I answer it, "The Zoo."

It's fast enough that people who weren't expecting to hear a greeting like that won't catch it and they'll just go on with whatever they called about, like asking for BBCK or trying to sell me a water softener.

It's also just enough to suck in the people who can't read the difference between ###-9### and ###-5###.  The question is invariably "What time do you open?"  The answer is invariably, "We have a situation with an escaped animal this morning.  We may not open at all."


Similarly, my home phone number when I was growing up was one digit away from a local dinner theater.  We used to take reservations and tell people about the current theater performance and the menu items.

[12AX7]

Oh another one, having to do with payroll.
 Before our time/etc was web-based; we filled out a timesheet every two weeks, printed it out, signed it, and turned it in. Once we started to telecommute, many of us pasted our signature into the Excel doc; then would print it on the office printer while we were still home, make a call to our co-worker in the office to get it off the printer and turn it in.
 Eventually, I guess payroll got wind of this and decided things were much too easy and made too much sense to allow that; so the next timesheet I printed out, I called a co-worker ( on a different shift- I usually didn't call this person) and was told that payroll was not going to accept it because it wasn't a "live" signature. ?? Live? It's my signature either way, placed there by me, in ink. What difference does it make if it's a pen, or a printer? It's not like it has to be witnessed.
  So now they want me to drive in 50 miles, sign my timesheet, and turn around and drive 50 miles back home. "They've been taking my printed timesheet for several years now; can't they take one more; and I'll start signing them there from now on..."
  "Ok; let me check with them and see."
 A few minutes go by and "No, they said you have to sign it today; because I have to fax all these over to them by 2:00pm..."

 

[BizB]

BWAHAHA!

[ydnamtnediserp]

at least you can drive 50 miles to sign your timesheet in your pajamas.

[TheJudge]

Little kid on the phone

*ring*
M: Hello?
K: Can I talk to grandma?

M: Sorry, you have the wrong number.
K: Oh OK. *Click*

30 secs later

*ring*
M: Hello?
K: Can I talk to grandma?

M: Sorry, you have the wrong number.
K: Oh OK. *Click*

30 secs later

*ring*
M: Hello?
K: Can I talk to grandma?

M: Sorry, you have the wrong number.
K: Oh OK. *Click*

30 secs later

*ring*
M: Hello?
K: Can I talk to grandma?
M: Grandma's dead.
K: *pause*... Huh?
M: Yeah sorry, Grandma died last night. Go tell your mom that Grandma's dead OK?
K: OK... *Click*

[Vespertine]

I swear I'm not making this up.  Less than a minute ago, someone a couple aisles over from me asked (on a conference call), "And, where do Europeans come from?"

[Dark Shade]

*in a Toys 'R' Us*

"Where's the toy section?"

*with regards to customer service* 

"What?! I can change this home...page...thing? And it's free?!" (She was absolutely astounded and amazed that she could perform such a task.)
"Yes Ma'am, it's free."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you so much!"

I could probably write a book with the gems I've collected over the years, I'd just have to remember them all!

[Wunderkind]

Guy drives up a half-mile driveway to a building twelve stories high in the middle of golf courses with the words "Bigass Resort" on the side, the stantions, and the doors. Parks his car under the portico walks through the double doors, both sets of which read "Bigass Resort and Conference Center". He is greeted by the bellman who asks if he can valet his car, unload any luggage, ect., man responds by asking where the front desk is and is directed appropriately. Walks up to the desk, above which it is posted "Front Desk".

Guy: Is this a hotel?

I strongly resisted the urge to respond: "No, this is an elaborate set up by a privately operated espionage team. You've been selected from a highly elite list of canidates to undergo training. If you wish to continue please check-in, if not, please go around to the elevators, we would like to shoot... *ahem* excuse me - see - you downstairs."

[Chris]

I recently heard this question before taking a statistics exam:

"Is probability going to be on the exam?"

The course is nothing but probabilities.

[BizB]

The answer should have been, "Probably."

[Detta]

HA!

[Joe Sixpack]

At the doctor's office with my kid.  SpongeBob is on the TV in the waiting room.

Idiot Dad next to me:  This show is so unrealistic.  How can they start a campfire underwater?

Me (to myself of course):  How can you afford insurance?



PS - In an eerie case of synchronicity, Ween's "Ocean Man" fired up while I was typing this post. WooOOOooo...

[jimmi]

My dad to me:

"Why can't I find any orgy pornography on YouTube?"