Do You KNow Someone Who Isn't Funny?

[Demosthenes]

I keep misreading the subject of this thread as Do You KNow Someone Who Isn't Furry?

[pbsaurus]

I'm pretty furry, but I'm not a furry.

[12AX7]

 LMAO!!! Did you hear the one about the guy who had trouble loading Google using Firefox?

   He had to run Spybot, and undo the DNS hijack in his Network settings!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!

[12AX7]

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

  "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." 

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

  "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." 

The guy replies,

  "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep." 

[Detta]

HECTAR!!!

[pbsaurus]

Chortling HECTAR!

[12AX7]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.   

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied.  'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said...  'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[LuciferSam]

Ha!

Edit: Oh, and a joke:

An Episcopalian church deacon walks into his therapists office one afternoon, and complains of some marital issues.

"My wife wants to expand our sex life, she's quite adventurous, but I am having a lot of trouble going along with what she wants," he tells the doc. The doc inquires what interests his wife.

"She wants to get involved with groups, orgies - the swinger life style!" the troubled man opines. The doctor nods, and asks if this prompts feelings of jealousy or insecurity in the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "but my hand gets so worn out writing all the thank you notes afterwards!"

[LuciferSam]

I guess that should be a rector, not a deacon. Anyway, one more:

Guy is on a train, frantically running through all the cars.
"Help! Help!" he is yelling, "is there a Priest on this train? A catholic priest?"
Up and down the length of the train he goes, to no avail - priests are not in supply. Then, he makes another circuit, shouting: "Is there a rabbi!? A rabbi on this train?" But again, there appears to be no such individual on board. He makes yet another circuit - "Help!" he cries, "is there an Anglican clergyman aboard? Any at all?"

The whole length of the train, he finds no such Anglican. Finally, as he stops at the last car and sighs, a man tugs his sleeve and says that he's a Presbyterian minister, and asks if he can help. The man turns to him, and gives him a short look.

"No, pastor, that's no good - we're looking for a corkscrew."

[pbsaurus]

HECTAR!

[ivan]

HECTAR!

concurred

[ivan]

A few old Soviet jokes from a random old Soviet joke site:

Однажды в городе появился попугай. Летает везде и кричит всякие гадости про советское правительство. Дошло это и до Большого дома. Обходят владельцев говорящих попугаев. Приходят к одному чудаку, он открывает дверь:
- Здравствуйте.
- Здравствуйте. У Вас есть попугай?
- Да.
- Можно на него посмотреть?
- Пожалуйста.
Приглашает их чудак на кухню, открывает холодильник и достает оттуда попугая. Попугай сидит весь нахохлившийся, клюв под крыло засунул и, мелко так, дрожит.
- А он говорящий?
- Да, говорящий, спрашивайте, о чем хотите.
- Ну-ка, Попка, скажи нам чего-нибудь.
Попугай:
- Долой американских империалистов!!! Да здравствует наша родная Коммунистическая Партия во главе ... (ну, и так далее)!!!
Товарищи говорят:
- Гляди-ка ты, какая умная птица!
Ушли. Хозяин проводил их, дверь закрыл, возвращается на кухню и говорит попугаю:
- Ну что, дурак, понял, что такое Воркута?

В СССР самая высокая секретность. Во Франции на одном заводе не знают, что делают на другом в той же фирме. В Англии в одной лаборатории не знают, что делают в другой, в соседней. В США сотрудник не знает, что делают за другим столом. У нас сотрудник сам не знает, что он делает.

Еврей объясняет в ОВИР, что две причины заставляют его поехать в Израиль:
- Первая причина - мой сосед говорит мне: "Погоди, жидовская морда, как только советская власть кончится, в тот же день тебя зарежу!"
- Чего же вам бояться? Советская власть никогда не кончится!
- Вот, вот! Это и есть вторая причина.

- Когда состоялись первые советские выборы?
- Когда бог поставил перед Адамом Еву и сказал: "Выбирай себе жену!"



So this parrot starts flying around the city, spewing the most vile seditious rhetoric against the local Soviet administration. News of this reached the Big House. Known parrot owners were visited. Finally they get to this one guy's appartment and knock on the door. He opens it:

"Hello."
"Hello. Do you own a parrot?"
"Yes."
"Can we see it?"
"Sure."
The parrot owner takes the apparatchiks to his kitchen, opens the refrigerator, reaches in and takes out a parrot. The poor bird has his feathers ruffled, beak tucked under wing, shivering.
"Does it talk?"
"Ya, sure. Come on, Polly, say something."
"D-D-D-DOWN WITH AM-M-M-M-ERICAN IMPERIALISTS! LONG LIVE OUR G-G-G-GLORIOUS COMMUNIST PARTY!"
"What a smart bird!" the apparatchiks say.
The parrot owner sees them to the door, shuts it, and returns to the kitchen.
"So, you stupid bird, I guess you understand what I mean by "Siberian Gulag", eh?

---

The USSR has the highest level of security in the world. In France, one factory owned by a firm doesn't know what another factory owned by the same firm is doing. In England, one laboratory does not know what a neighboring laboratory is doing. In the US, a worker does not know what his coworkers are doing. But here in the USSR, a worker doesn't know what HE is doing.

---

A Jew is explaining to an OVIR (department of visas and registration) bureaucrat that he has two reasons why he should be allowed to emigrate to Israel:

"Reason one: my neighbor is an anti-semite who routinely says to me "Just wait, as soon as the Soviet regime ends, I will cut you to ribbons!"

The bureaucrat replies, "So what are you afraid of? The Soviet regime will never end!"

"That's the second reason."

---

Q. When were the first Soviet elections held?

A. When God presented Eve to Adam and said, "Choose your wife."