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Author Topic: 2017 New Year's Resolutions for #FFFFF Guys  (Read 567 times)

Chris

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2017 New Year's Resolutions for #FFFFF Guys
« on: December 30, 2016, 09:31:50 PM »

To some, this is exactly what happened this year. To those same people, this is what is going to happen over the next four years.
Pretty clever, right? If you don’t get the joke I can’t help you. I can give you a hint though - have you seen MTV’s PSA outlining new year's resolutions for white guys? Let it sink in. You might have to do some Googling to figure it out if you’re not a true geek.  

So here we go again. Another year is about to end and another about to being. Me personally… I honestly don’t see the significance in celebrating yet another revolution around the star that is in the middle of our solar system. I guess it’s another excuse for most people to get shit faced drunk and make poor decisions. Whatever floats your boat, I guess? Social media has been blowing up with people claiming that 2016 has been the “absolute worst year evar” and I am seriously wondering why. Is it because of celebrity deaths? The US election? I sure hope it’s not celebrity deaths that have made this past year the worst ever for many. The geek community will be brought to its knees if we lose another tech icon - Steve Jobs was enough in 2011 let’s wait another few years before we let another tech great log off for good.  

So now it’s time for tons of people to make bullshit resolutions that they’re not even going to bother to keep two weeks after the start of the new year. Some of the most popular resolutions from previous years have been getting in shape, spend less and save more, get organized and read more.  

Fair enough. Those aren’t necessarily bad resolutions. I can get behind most of them. But that’s not what I found through doing my own research on this subject. I went around the local weekend flea market here in eastern Pennsylvania and asked a bunch of random people what their resolutions were and I figured I’d share some of the more interesting ones with you… God help us.  

This is pretty much EXACTLY what Stacey looked like
Stacey Clien, 22 
I’m not going to lie, I’m a sucker for dogs and she just happened to be walking around the flea market with her sister and they had their 3 year old collie with them and couldn’t resist going up to pet the little fella. It’s important to note that Stacey was wearing her favourite Drexel University hoodie and was walking around with her LuLaRoe leggings while carrying a Starbucks cup in one hand and her cell phone surgically attached in the other. I honestly should not have bothered to ask.  

When asked, Stacey told me that she is going to tune on mainstream media and rely solely on social media for her news because as she said “The news failed me this November when I thought Hillary was going to win but they were way wrong. I could have voted for the winning guy but since the news was wrong my vote went to waste” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing out of her mouth. For the hell of it, I decided to ask her what she was studying in college and what her career aspirations were afterwards. Sadly, she told me it was history and she wanted to teach high school students. That was enough for me.  

Brad Green, 28 
Brad was wearing a Bob Marley hoodie and I just wanted to see what he would say for the hell of it, knowing damn well I already knew what he was going to say. When I worked the question into the conversation it was almost like clock work. He went right into a scripted tirade as to why weed should be legal and how he is tired of having his pot sent to him through FedEx. When I asked him if he was worried about drug sniffing dogs one day discovering his package he said that he has tried to have his dog smell the marijuana and is convinced that she has never been able to pick up on the scent through the cardboard that it’s packed in.  

This is probably Dan every other time he is not out of the house
Dan Plock, 44 
Dan was actually a vendor at the flea market who had the typical run down pedo van with a sagging reason suspension and rusted out wheel wells. I honestly wasn’t sure what I was going to hear back from Dan when I haphazardly asked him what his resolutions was going to be. Sure enough, I found myself your typical radical right winged middle aged, white guy who thinks the government is out to get home. Go figure.  

Dan started to go on and on about how he’s going to stockpile as many guns and ammo as he can because he said the government is eventually going to take away the right to purchase firearms. Note that he said purchase, not own. Somehow he transitioned from the topic of guns to the topic of the police being out to get everyone. He was telling me something about one of his friends getting stopped by the police and as soon as the officer stepped up to the car he said “Alright, where’s all the money?” Dan is 100% convinced that the reason why the new $100 bill has the holographic stripe is so law enforcement can see how much money you have in your car and better determine who they are going to pull over.  

I’m guessing he forgot his tin foil hat that morning. Lucky for me an older guy wearing a Vietnam hat came up and that got his attention. Rumor has it that they are still there talking today.  

Abby Fry, 32 
This was an interesting conversation. I don’t even know how I got to talking to Abby and it only lasted for about a minute or two, but in the short time that I talked to her, she told me that her resolution this year was going to be to work even more than she did the previous year while throwing the fact that she works harder and makes more money in the face of her boyfriend “at least 3 times a day” because she said that her mom raised her to be that way and that men were basically inferior. She then proceeded to take out her phone and show me an app that has tracked all of her time she worked last year and was proud to show me that she logged in 74 hours in an average week. She also told me that she was hoping to reconnect with two long lost pen pals in Europe who tried to organize a 3 way with her several years back - she was “willing to give it another try - I was really shocked when I finally met up with them for the first time and realized that they were just trying to con an American girl into having a 3 way with them while writing me letters… I never saw it coming!”  

Uhhh… Right. Call me cynical but that was pretty obvious as soon as she started telling me that.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2016, 09:33:59 PM by Chris »
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BizB

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Re: 2017 New Year's Resolutions for #FFFFF Guys
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2016, 03:47:11 PM »

Dan is fluent in Klingon, too... I'm sure.
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Chris

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Re: 2017 New Year's Resolutions for #FFFFF Guys
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2017, 08:42:15 PM »

Dan is fluent in Klingon, too... I'm sure.

LOL! Looking at that pic again I can see the resemblance between him and Mr. Worf. Dan's hair is a little more on point if you ask me.
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