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Submitted byTheJudgeMy dear readers, I’ve decided to do something I’ve never done before; I decided to leave my strange sense of humor home. Indeed, I want to write about a topic that fascinates me greatly and I want to do it with an edge. For that purpose, I’ve called upon my friend Xolik and asked him if he would be kind enough to share some very personal events with us in regards to his homosexuality. This is the story of his voyage into manhood…
J: At what age did you begin taking an interest of sexual nature in other people?X: I would say the earliest I remember was probably when I was in eighth grade. That would have made me about 14 at the time, I think.
J: At that time, was this interest towards girls, boys or both? Elaborate. X: Honestly, it was only towards boys. I didn’t even notice girls. I can remember this one guy I had a total crush on who is in both my PE and Math class. He was very cute, athletic, and had a nice smile. I always wondered if he was a good kisser. There were a few girls that liked me, but I never really noticed them in the same way. They were nice people and all, but nothing ever clicked like it did for some of the guys I knew. Especially the guy I mentioned earlier. Whenever he was around me, my heart would start beating all crazy and I’d get all nervous.
J: Describe your first kiss X: This didn’t happen for a good long time. I didn’t get my first kiss until I was 20! I still remember it, though. I met him online, and we chatted for a good few weeks. Eventually we agreed to meet at a public place and have lunch. We dated in secret for while after that (as I was living at home and still firmly in the closet) and on the third date, he kissed me for my first time! I was shocked and didn’t quite know what to do at first. It felt a bit weird, but after a moment, that feeling changed from ‘weird’ to ‘normal’ and it was quite enjoyable.
J: Was your first "steady" relationship with a boy or girl? How did it start, how long did it last, and how did it end. X: Oh, this one is going to be big mess. My first steady relationship was with a guy. The same fellow who gave me my first kiss, actually. We met online via *gasp* and AOL chat room. (Hey, give me a break. AOL was almost the ONLY ISP at the time. I was young and everybody was doing it. We all make mistakes, right?) I was still living at home at the time since I was going through my first stint at college. It lasted about three months and then everything hit the fan. My mom figured out I was gay (Therein lies a whole sordid affair with much crying, threats, and ‘get the hell out of our house’ nonsense. I’ve been disowned three times, you know, but now my parents and I are on good terms), I confessed I was dating and all hell broke loose. They ‘persuaded’ me to stop seeing him. Looking back, I can tell you I’m not proud of what I did. I took the coward’s way out: Break up via Email.
J: When did you start to think that perhaps girls weren't your thing? What were the signs? X: I’d say back when I was in junior high. It’s not like I look a girl and want to puke or anything like that. It’s just that I never really had any emotional ties to one, nor have I found any to be physically attractive to me. I’d look at a girl and my friends would say about how cute she is or how nice her body is, and I’d just not care. However, I’d very much care when a good looking guy with a nice body was around. I’d start having the usual symptoms: I’d get nervous, my heart would start beating like crazy and I’d start acting all goofy if he’d talk to me. I started thinking something was a bit different about me back in 6th grade. That would make me about 12, I think. I would catch myself thinking, ‘hey, he’s cute!’
J: How did that make you feel initially? Did it scare you? Worry you? X: It made me feel weird. I was brought up in a pretty strong Christian, conservative household. For what I was told growing up, boys aren’t supposed to like boys. They’re supposed to like girls, or else it’s the Hot Place for you when you die. You can imagine what having that ingrained into your psyche can do to you when you are starting to realize that you may be going lavender. I didn’t want to wind up in the Hot Place, so yeah, it scared AND worried me. But only for a while.
J: And how did it affect your behavior? Did you try to pretend those feelings weren't true? Did you feel pressure? X: I made it a point to try to never act in a manner that would let others suspect what was going on inside my head. I knew the feelings were true and saw no point in trying to convince myself otherwise. Due to the nature of my household environment, I did feel an amount of pressure to make sure what I was starting to feel never surfaced. I just didn’t need any grief from my parents about this.
J: When you’re at the stage where you think you may be gay and "all signs point to yes", how do you know for sure? Is it trough sexual experiments? Please describe the process you had to go through before you could say "Oh yeah. I'm definitely gay." X: If I had any doubts, they were removed at two stages in my life. One was high school. Being gay in high school is not fun at all. Especially when your hormones are stating to kick in. I was starting to notice guys more and more and it was becoming a bit difficult to mask my, uh, ‘attraction’. It’s really freaking difficult to have to keep looking either at the floor or ceiling during PE and make up phoney excuses to get out of wrestling just to avoid any ‘unpleasantness’ that may occur. People joke about this sort of thing, but in reality, its hell. If anyone suspected I was gay or found them desirable, I could very well have the holy hell beat out of me, and I just didn’t want to take that risk. So knowing that I having these reactions only around guys helped me figure this out for sure.
The next part was after high school, when I was working at The Pit. This would be the experimental portion. While I was working there, we had a nice girl who worked on one of the registers. She was a lot of fun to talk to, and we started to hang out together as friends and so stuff like see movies or shop and the like. She knew I was gay and was cool with that. (Hell, I had just stopped dating my boss at the time we started hanging out. I don’t care what anybody tells you, take it from me: Do NOT date your coworkers if you can help it.) Well one night, we went out and got smashed as we usually did and were hanging out in the parking lot outside of her house, just talking, when she asked me if I’d ever kissed a girl before. Naturally I hadn’t so she took it upon herself to give me my first kiss from a girl. It was nice, but different. I can’t really explain how, but I just felt funny here with this girl kissing me. We kept going out every weekend, either just us or with some friends, and getting dunk as usual. Eventually we did have sex and THAT was really strange. I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to be doing. I kept looking for something that just wasn’t there, dammit, and had to think about guys in order to do anything. That was a total disaster. So you can’t say ‘well you don’t know if you like girls because you haven’t tried.’ I have, and I didn’t like it. So those two events pretty much wrapped it up for me.
J: You say your mom kind of figured it out. So I suspect one day she just confronted you and you just told her. Or did you deny anything initially? X: My mom has always been big on getting grandkids. She would ask me frequently while I was in high school if I was interested in any girls, to which I always replied “No, I’m too busy for that.” Then in college, she stepped it up a notch. One day when we were driving to the mall, she kept bugging me about getting a girlfriend. I stuck by my usual, “I don’t have time for one, I’m a busy guy” line but she didn’t take it. She kind of whispered “You’re gay, aren’t you?” My jaw dropped. Then came the biggest lie that ever hit the face of the Earth: “You can tell me if you are, it’s alright.” I denied it three times before cracking and saying, “Yes, yes I am. I just never wanted you to find out.” She got all quiet and acted a bit strange for the rest of the trip. Then things got really bad when she said “Well, you need to tell your father. When we get home. I’ll call him from work and have him come home.” Well, that’s just fucking great. I’m barely getting around to understanding myself and now you’re going to railroad me out to my father. Fan-fucking-tastic.
J: When you came out, the shit hit the fan with your family. Can you describe a bit more how your parents and siblings (if you have any) reacted? What events immediately followed your "announcement"? Did you actually end up on the street? X: It’s very awkward to have your dad called home from work because “He has something to tell you.” We’re sitting around the dining room table, my mom can’t look at me, and my dad has his head down and is holding one of my hands. I think he knew what was up. After much stuttering and stammering, I finally told him. “Dad, I’m gay.” Long silence. “Are you sure?” “Yeah, pretty sure, and I’m dating.” “Well, you know you can’t stay here and you have to stop seeing this person.” What could I do? I’m not going to lose my family over some guy I’ve only been seeing for two-three months, so I emailed the break up letter. I felt terrible for doing it this way. It was advised for me to pack some things and stay out of the house for awhile while they think this through. My mom started flipping out. She accused me of saying I was gay just because Ellen did on TV not too long ago. A screaming match ensued and I left. I stayed with my best friend’s house for almost a week before my parents called me back to stay with them again. Well, to them, obviously being gay is a mental disorder so the best thing to do is send me to counselling. But not just any counselling, Christian counselling. I had all these images of Pat Roberston-esque types putting me though psychological hell and was really scared. However, honestly, it turned out to be a good thing. My therapist was a very kind, caring man who did not judge me, nor once tell me my feelings were wrong or sinful. He helped me overcome anger issues and even helped me figure out how to handle my emotions better. I went to him for almost a year an a half before I called it off. I figured I had gained as much as I could from him and there was nothing more to do. To this day I still wonder if my parents were secretly hoping he’d de-gay me somehow. I’ve been told it’s a mental illness, that I’m just the same a drug addict, that I’ll be getting a warm reception in the afterlife, blah blah blah….These are not nice things to tell your son, no matter what. Also, while I was living with them, they insisted I get an HIV test every month, even though I wasn’t seeing anybody and never even had sex yet. Uttering the words “I’m gay” does NOT cause HIV to spontaneously appear in your blood stream, as much as you may believe otherwise. My brother, on the other hand, just laughed his ass off when I told him. He took it much better than the parents did. He even helped me figure out how to deal with them about it as well, which is very cool. He’s the only member of my family that I can actually talk to about these things with. My parents made me swear not to tell any other members of the family, especially my grandparents because “The shock would kill them.” I don’t care very much for the rest of my family anyways, so that’s really a non-issue.
J: Describe the healing process that took place over time. I'm sure there were ups and downs along the way, but you say you are on good terms now. Do you still have a healthy father-son relationship, or is it more that you can both manage to stand each other? Do you feel there ever was true understanding of your situation and real support from your family? X: Time heals all wounds. Well, not exactly. What we have now is the elephant in the room that nobody talks about. My sexuality is not discussed by my parents and myself. As long as this is the case, we get along great. My dad and I have the best relationship. I can even make minor jokes about it with him. My mom will go bat-crazy if I bring it up, so I stay away from that subject around here. I don’t need her breaking down in tears over the “family shame.” I suppose that’s me. God forbid their neighbours find out they have a gay kid. What would they think? What types of parents allow their son to be gay? This is the joy I need to deal with. Yeah, being gay must be a choice, right? I totally choose to invite all this shit in my life. There will never be true understanding with my parents. Their OS is pretty much Read Only and won’t change their minds. In fact they’ve even said “We’ll never accept this behavior.”
J: What about your friends? How did they react? X: I didn’t have many friends, as I’m usually a very shy person, but they took it really well. “Uh, hey, I think you should know that I’m gay.” “Oh, really? Way to come out! Now, what do we do about lunch?”
J: I know for a fact that you are still very much a religious person and you go to church regularly. How did this self discovery affect your spirituality? Apparently, the church you believe in doesn't approve of people like you. Did you feel lost, or even abandoned, on the spiritual level? X: I don’t really go regularly; I tend to worship in my own way at home. I do enjoy the few time I decide to go, but it is not often. They way I view it, God has decided to create me in this way as a test of my faith in Him. Perhaps He wants to see if I can live my life in accordance to His will to the best of my human abilities, withstand the doubts cast at me by others who claim to be brothers in Christ, and manage to keep my faith. The church may abandon me. That’s fine. They are just an institution and have no power over my soul anyways. I will not abandon God. I don’t care how many priests condemn my soul to Hell or much hateful rhetoric I have tossed at me on the airwaves, I won’t give up that easily. Christianity is the only religion that felt right to me (and I have looked into several different religions) and it is the one I will follow until I’m called home.
J: Let's talk a bit about dating. Dating is difficult enough for a straight kid. When you're young and you've reached the conclusion that you are gay and you have no actual dating experience, where do you go from there? I wouldn't know where to begin! How do you meet others like you? And when you do what do you tell them? Is it pretty much a "hey guys, I just joined the club and I could use pointers" type of deal or am I watching too much Will & Grace? X: I had no idea where to start, after the whole AOL chat room debacle. The one thing I got out of my relationship with that person was my first trip to a gay bar/club. I had no idea places like this existed! I saw guys dancing with other guys, holding hands, hugging and laughing like there wasn’t a care in the world. It was very encouraging to me. I know these places aren’t the best to meet guys, but I’m met my current boyfriend at a club and we’ve been together for three years now! I had a hard time meeting guys at first. Even at the clubs. Everybody was so dressed up and good looking and confident…I didn’t know what to do. But I was lucky, sort of. One of the guys I worked with was down there the same time I was. That was a shocker! We both didn’t suspect the other was gay. So we hung out and he introduced me to his friends and slowly I met other guys and learned a bit about what it’s like being gay and such. It was very helpful. To tell the truth, I’ve never really watched Will & Grace!
J: Dude, you need to watch Will & Grace. Seriously!
Let’s talk about the present. Now that its all said and done and that society in general is a little more evolved than it was say 10 years ago, do you often face situations where you are misunderstood? For example, do you ever experience harassment just because you are gay? Do people try to avoid you or feel uncomfortable around you? Do men think that because you are gay, you want to have sex with them? What do you want to tell people about prejudice? X: I have yet to experience any harassment, thank goodness. Generally most people can’t really tell I’m gay. I remember I had this one guy I worked with who really didn’t like gay guys at all. Seriously. We got along great. We hung out together, rode our motorcycles together, everything. His girlfriend worked with us as well. She knew I was gay and told me that if I ever told him, his little world would come grinding to a halt. I’ve been told tons of times after somebody finds out about me that “You know, you’re really cool for a gay guy.” Uh, thanks, I think? Quite a few times I’ve been asked to perform acts on a ‘straight’ guy when he finds out I’m gay. I remember one time at my last job one of the other techs, straight as an arrow by all accounts, asked me for something. It was kind of cute. He’s all stuttering and looking at the ground all the time while mumbling “uh, yeah, so my girlfriend is gone on vacation for two weeks, uh, and I know you like dick so, uh, do you want to, you know…suck me off sometime? I mean, I’m NOT gay, it’s just, it’s been so long and…” I would have been offended, but it was just so cute the way he was blushing and all. And NO, I didn’t take him up on that offer.
Gay guys, generally, are just normal folks like everyone else. Don’t let that weird stuff you seen on TV during Pride parades make you think we’re all like that. I can’t stand those things, personally. I feel they set the movement back by decades each time one happens. Another thing about being misunderstood: I’m a gay Christian with strong Conservative leanings. I’m in a super-minority here. I’ve taken a lot of flak from the gay community for believing the things I do. I can’t be a Christian, apparently, because everybody knows they hate gays. I can’t be Conservative either, because they hate everybody. I’ve even been accused of Homophobia! Sorry, but my sexuality isn’t my defining characteristic. Too many ‘open minded’ gay guys go ballistic when they’re introduced to somebody who is gay and doesn’t think they way they do. I’m not a self hating, Matthew Shepard killing, neo-nazi. Please stop assuming this.
J: At this stage in your life, did you ponder on the possibility of having a child? If you wanted one, what would you need to do and what are your options? X: This is an easy one. No, I don’t want a child. If God wanted me to have a child, He would have made me straight.
J: What advice would you give to people who are at the stage where they question their sexual preference? X: Don’t rush to come out! Take it easy and figure it out in your own time. There are TONS of people who’ll take advantage of you at this stage in life. Be careful with you trust. If you think you are gay, there are places that can help you figure your emotions out. Gay and Lesbian centers, various web sites, your library. There are tons of good resources out there. Use them!
J: What advice would you give to people who know for sure, but don't know what to do next?X: Don’t jump into anything head on. Go to a club and be a wallflower. Just sit back and observe. You can learn a lot just by that. Don’t have sex on the first date. This is really really important because you can catch God knows what and dying of AIDS is a terrible way to go. Get to know the gay friendly areas around where you live. If you really want to meet a nice guy, find a gay friendly church, like the MCC.
J: If you could be the "club's spokesman", what is the most important message you would want to communicate to the general population?X: To the people of America: You’ve got nothing to fear from gay people. The only ‘Agenda’ we have is to live our lives peacefully with the same benefits and protection under that law that straight people have. Special note to the Republican Party: Stop with the gay hating. We’re Americans too and you don’t own the monopoly on morality. Special note to the Democratic Party: Stop taking us for granted. And stop throwing the word ‘Homophobe around’, you’re cheapening it.
To the current gay leadership and producers of gay themed prime time television: Stop it. Seriously. You’re making us look bad.
J: As I was reading the replies from Xolik, I was reminded of my own discovery of sexuality and various events surrounding it. When it comes down to it, we essentially went trough very similar experiences and challenges. I’m confused at how society reacts to homosexuality as a whole when it fact it has such similarities to heterosexuality. Other than genber, they are identical. Let me quote a few statements and elaborate:
“Honestly, it was only towards boys. I didn’t even notice girls.”
You know what, when I was that age and started taking interest in other people, it was the exact same thing: I was interested in girls and never actually noticed the boys. There’s a distinct gender attraction and it isn’t generated by choice. It just happens in both cases.
“It felt a bit weird, but after a moment, that feeling changed from ‘weird’ to ‘normal’ and it was quite enjoyable.” (Xolik talking about his first kiss).
You’re not going to believe this but I experienced the EXACT SAME THING! My first kiss was awkward as hell but after a few times, I really enjoyed the unique properties of a kiss.
“However, I’d very much care when a good looking guy with a nice body was around. I’d start having the usual symptoms: I’d get nervous, my heart would start beating like crazy and I’d start acting all goofy if he’d talk to me. I started thinking something was a bit different about me back in 6th grade. That would make me about 12, I think. I would catch myself thinking, ‘hey, he’s cute!” NO FUCKING WAY! Me too! I had the exact same symptoms as a young boy with hormones out of control trying to not to physically draw attention of girls while hoping that I would and leave my mark! You know, being calm cool and collected? Ya… Didn’t quite work.
“I was starting to notice guys more and more and it was becoming a bit difficult to mask my, uh, ‘attraction’.” OH… I was getting out of control boners too. Man! Those, I could have done without. Especially when I was reciting a book report in front of the class (with my hands in my pocket and fingers crossed). The things we boys had to go through! Sexuality is though no matter which way you swing.
“So you can’t say ‘well you don’t know if you like girls because you haven’t tried.’ I have, and I didn’t like it.” You tried, but you shouldn’t have to in the first place. When you think about it, it’s outrageous. Can you imagine if I had to “try it” with a guy just to be sure I’m straight? And by the way, I didn’t really enjoy my first time either. In fact, when I was done, I though “Weird Tingly Feeling? That’s it? What’s the hell was all the fuss about?” (But that’s only because I did it wrong. The second time was awesome! Let’s not bring up that event. KTKS!)
“She kind of whispered “You’re gay, aren’t you?” My jaw dropped. Then came the biggest lie that ever hit the face of the Earth: “You can tell me if you are, it’s alright.” I denied it three times before cracking and saying, “Yes, yes I am. I just never wanted you to find out.”Same thing happened to me, but it was my dad asking me if I smoked!
Anyway, I could go on, but I think you should get my point. How is it that we end up labelling something so damn normal as something so damn abnormal? Personally, I’ve never had problems with homosexuality. Sexual preference is simply irrelevant as far as I’m concerned. I am accepting of others because I value diversity and understanding. I was going to say I value privacy, but after my l337 stalking escapades, it wouldn’t feel right! OK, so maybe I didn’t leave my sense of humor back home completely. Sue me.
I want to personally thank Xolik for his time and collaboration. It means a great deal to me because it gives me an opportunity to show you a perspective that we often overlook or dismiss. And by “we”, I'm really not including myself!
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