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Feb. 18 2018 - 4:14am
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  • (October 29, 2012, 03:37:30 AM)
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Here's how you become a millionaire online: You don't.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: The internet is a great place. It's a great place because not only can you obtain information that would be almost impossible to obtain without the invention of the internet, but it's also great because you can mask who you are in real life. Almost instantly you can go from being a fat 27-year-old male who enjoys playing D & D in his parent's basement with his other loser friends to being a successful 27-year-old business entrepreneur who is soon to start his own venture and enjoys lifting weights and going to beach in his free time... You know, a real man’s man. Oh, did I mention he also drives around in a brand new BMW?

There are thousands of people that have put together websites online that claim to sell you their sure-shot methods to making hundreds, thousands, and even millions of dollars online so as long as you buy their stupid e-book that will tell you how to do it step-by-step. I don't buy that, though. (No pun intended, guys.)

Instead, in this article I'm not going to tell you how to make millions online, I'm going to outline how you can make yourself look like an online millionaire - for free! These methods are tried and true - more than half of all online millionaires use these methods to make it look like they are rich each and everyday. You know, it's kind of like putting a rolled up sock in your pants. It's alright until it's time to show the goods for real.

1. Put together a semi-professional looking site:
The first step in the process of becoming an online millionaire is establishing an online presence. In doing so, avoid site designs similar to this. Sites that are designed like that give me the impression that the designer simply took their Microsoft Word document and used the "Save as web page" function in order to generate HTML coding to slap on their web server. And that's assuming that they know how to even login to their web server's FTP site. Having a sleek web design, a fast loading page, and a catchy logo will help to ensure your readers believe that you are in fact a true internet millionaire.

2. Create a catchy name, logo, and slogan:
This almost goes without saying: Every major organization in business today has their very own unique logo and slogan that they use to achieve brand awareness. Your fake organization should be no different. Take the time  to come up with a catchy name for your internet fortune, as well as a logo that will be sure to stick in your reader’s heads, and a slogan that will make them think, “Man, I wish I thought of that first!” If your logo is good enough you might be able to print it on t-shirts and have readers buy them off of you. If you’re really lucky you might be able to get a few hot females to send you back pictures of them wearing your logo. But don’t get your hopes up.

3. Make yourself sound credible:
When you go to a doctor's office 9 times out of 10 you see the diploma's and the certifications of the doctor hanging on the wall. You need to employ the same tactics online in order for people to believe that you know what you're talking about.

Create an "About" page on your site and list reasons why people should listen to what you have to say. Make up a fake story about how you almost didn't finish college because you were short on cash but were able to finish due to your online endeavourers. Tell your readers that you have been published in Time Magazine as well as the New York Times - they're not going to know whether or not you're telling the truth. Doing this will establish that you are a well established millionaire in the industry and they'll want to listen to what you have to say because, well, they read it on the internet, so it must be true.

4. Post fake pictures of your fake possessions:
This is possibly the most important part to becoming an online millionaire. In order to show the rest of the internet that you really have wealth and have bought items with your wealth, you need to show the internet the fruits of your labor. Use Google Image search to find images of two high priced cars, a nice house with an in ground swimming pool, and a few pictures of a home office that you can call yours. Be sure that they go together. You don't want to use a picture of a house surrounded by snow, and then two pictures of cars with snow around the wheel well.

5. Write believable success stories:
This might be easier said than done for those who don't have the ability to write clearly, but it will certainly seal the deal in terms of having your readers believe that you really are an internet millionaire. In order to get a feel for how it's done by the pros, browse through other millionaire sites and look at their success stories. Notice how they list specific dates, numbers, and other data throughout the page. Pretty convincing, right? These pieces of data are crucial when it comes to getting the attention of your audience.

Instead of telling your audience how you simply increased ad revenue on your website, tell them how "In the last three months I have been able to increase my Google AdSense earnings from 50 cents a day to 500 dollars a day by positioning my ads in better locations, adjusting the color pallets that they use, and the key words that I am targeting in my content." Stating your findings in this manner will more than likely get your readers to want to know more about how you did it. Obviously when they are done reading what you have written, you want them to believe that you're indeed an internet millionaire.

6. Mention a staff that you employ:
...But of course don't actually employ. Any real multi-million dollar organization has to have more than one person operating it, right? So why should your business be any different? If you need to, search Google for a random name generator to obtain names that are unique but still believable. Next, create email addresses for all of them that all forward to your own email account this way you don't miss out on anything. If required, post a few articles here and there from each of your fake staff members in order to make the ploy seem more believable to your readers. But be careful; don't use the same mannerisms and styles of writing for all your staff members. Observant readers may catch on to your tactics and expose you to the rest of the world.
Google - The search engine that has still yet to sell out and have tons of ads and other useless crap on their homepage - is one of the masters of invention and innovation. Google is probably one of the only companies that is able to reinvent the wheel and have it be successful. They are known for their ability to offer a new service to public users every half a year or so. From the world famous Google Image Search (GIS for short) to Google Earth which attempts to photograph the entire planet (Including the inside of your house) they have certainly come up with some of the most unique ways of manipulating data over the years.

What you don't know, however, is the hidden agenda of Google. Information from the Googleplex has leaked regarding some of their upcoming services that they plan on offering to the public. We here at The Geekery were able to obtain a copy from an anonymous reader who doesn't wish to be identified in an effort to stay alive. We however, aren't afraid. But in an effort to stay somewhat under the radar, we will not be publishing this 209 page PDF file. Instead we will simply post up some of the juicy details of their upcoming products and services.

Google Food
Google Food will attempt to archive and share all different types of food found throughout the world. From Hot Pockets to fried calamari, Google Food will be able to instantly send you hot and fresh food upon request. Google proposes to invest $1.87 billion into researching and developing what they call "food printers" which will "print" finished food products by using special ink cartridges called "flavor cartridges" that only need to be replaced once a year for quality and food safety purposes - regardless of the amount of use the cartridge has performed.

Google plans on doubling revenues with the addition of this product since they will hold the patens necessary to produce the food printers. Any company, such as HP, that wishes to produce food printers will have to pay Google some form of royalty fee. Additionally, Google hopes to put fast food giant McDonald's out of business for good by allowing urban professionals the ability to bring lunch to the office without actually packing it.

This invention, if it becomes a reality, will change the way we live our lives much like the internet has changed the way we do business. Soccer moms who once were hard pressed for time and insisted on feeding their children utter trash from fast food restaurants will realize that this will save them time and money - both are a scarce in this day and age.

Google Gas
Just the name of this service is catchy - the utilization of alliteration helps to promote brand awareness since people are able to easily remember the name.

Google Gas will attempt to do several things for consumers. It will attempt to gather and index all fuel prices in the United States according to location (Town / ZIP code) and upload them in real time to your handheld device or GPS in an effort to save you money while on the road by telling you where the busy buy is in relation to where you are. Additionally, the developers of the Google Gas service have plans on developing a 100% synthetic and a 100% renewable fuel that has the same properties of gasoline. Though in the early stages of development, the document outlined how the process of making the new fuel will some how utilize the heat generated by the 20,000+ servers that Google currently operates.

This project will probably be kept under wraps for quite some time given the amount of money riding on an alternative to gasoline. World domination will truly be theirs if they are successful in finding a replacement without making any modification to the current gasoline deployment system already in place.

Google TV
Though not as complex as some of their other upcoming inventions, Google TV isn't very much different than most major cable providers. Google plans on allowing small businesses to advertise their products and services on a national level rather than the local level that only reaches several thousand viewers at a time. This advertising will be up to 50% more effective according to speculation since commercials will utilize a similar system to their AdWords service: Advertisers will set a maximum that they are willing to pay, and publishers will have air time that they are willing to sell. Whoever has the highest bid for the spot wins and their ad is aired. Most importantly, the ads will be targeted to viewers who are likely to be interested in the products that are being advertised.

Google Security Identification (GSI)
Similar to a social security number offered at birth by the United States Government, a GSI will be issued to all of those who wish to use the internet. In order to get online, users will have to authenticate with their system using their GSI along with several other randomly selected personal questions that only the user would know the answer to. Google hopes that this security will lessen the chances of identity theft, as well as lessen the amount of spam that is transmitted over the internet.

Google itself admitted in the document that the GSI system most likely will not take off given the United States Government will have to over-see its operation given it would restrict access to a service that is currently governed ('sorta' they said in the document) by the FCC.

From the sound of it, this service is specifically designed to compete with Geocities offered by Google's enemy Yahoo!. Google plans on launching this service within the next year and will hopefully lure clients away from Geocities by offering up an impressive amount of free web space and an unlimited amount of transfer per month so as long as the content being transferred is in agreement with their TOS.

Google plans on sharing the user's web space with their Gmail account's quota. Most users enjoy around six or seven gigs of free web mail space from Gmail. This same space will then be shared with their GoogleCities account. Users who need more than their allotted free quota are welcome to purchase more for the price of $3.25 per gig.

Users who opt to use this service from Google will be pleased to know that their website will be automatically spidered by the Google crawlers daily since indexing will take a fraction of the time since the content is already on the Google network. This certainly will change the way things are in the hosting industry as well in the super saturated SEO industry.

It's hard for me to believe that I've been out of the state of New Jersey in which I grew up in for more than a year now. It seems like just yesterday I had to say goodbye to my entire life, and it seems like I've been away from myself for an eternity, but that just makes me sound emo, and no one likes people who are emo.

In the past year I have come to realize that Pennsylvania and New Jersey are quite different for several reasons including the population density of towns and cities, the amount of noise pollution outside of my house, the average level of education children receive (Or don't receive, depending on how you look at it), as well as the types of cars that people drive.

After a year of living in The Keystone State (Which is Pennsylvania for those of you who don't know or who just don't know all 50 states in the country in which you live) I've come to the startling realization that almost everyone here in Northampton County in eastern Pennsylvania owns at least one pickup truck - if not more - even if they have no reason to own one at all which includes not holding a valid driver's license. It's almost as if you're not a fully established citizen until you own a pickup truck. I refuse to drive one for the simple fact that I have no use for one - just like almost everyone else that owns one.

Just as how the Centurion credit card from American Express is a status symbol that you're super rich and deserve to have your ass wiped for you with sheets of gold by another rich man, a pickup truck that requires a ladder to enter, and is audible for miles away symbolizes that you're an uber redneck and you mean business. From the Ford F150 (Which doubles as the family car of choice in eastern Pennsylvania) to the Twin Turbo Super Duper Crew Cab Powered by Jet Engines Pickup from Dodge that can haul three dozen hogs, each pickup symbolizes some form of status in the subculture here in Eastern Pennsylvania, and I think I'm just starting to get it down after a year of careful observation.

Ford F150
The F150 is the longest running series of pickups offered by Ford, and just about any other auto maker in the world for that matter - it's like the Honda Civic of pick up trucks. The Ford F150 is an average truck for average to semi-average people. By average truck, I mean that it can haul about a dozen mules, (Which equates to about ten hogs), it's audible for only about 600 feet given its modest size and stock touring tires, and can seat up to 4 people (10 if you're Hispanic) if you decide to go with the extended cab version. Average to semi-average people implies that people who own an F150 most likely have about two acres of land, own just one pick up truck, 8 hogs, and have some degree of college education since they didn't waste all of their money on a pick up truck.

Extra red neck points are awarded to those who decide to lift the truck by 6 inches or more, install a mammoth tow hitch or a plow boom, or those who add blinding fog lights that are left on even during day time driving in an effort to force oncoming traffic into a ditch because they lose sight of the road.

Chevy Silverado 2500 HD
The Chevy Silverado 2500HD is a step up from the Ford F150 in the sense that it costs more, is slightly larger, can haul more cargo (hogs), and most importantly, it makes you look like an even bigger red neck than the F150. With the base model of the Silverado 2500HD boasting an impressive fuel-hungry 6.0L V8 engine that will keep your pockets hungry for more money along with dual glove compartments, it's sure to get the attention of your neighbors who have an inferior SUV or even worse, a four door sedan.

Because of the size difference between the Silverado and the F150 as well as the price difference, the Silverado earns you more red neck points because it shows that you're pretty serious about your commitment to keeping the red neck tradition going in eastern Pennsylvania.

Think of it this way, just imagine the size of the Confederate flag that you can hang from the back of the 2500HD - your friends will be green with envy since your truck is bigger and better than theirs.

Dodge Ram 3500
Dodge is to pick ups as Intel is to computers - they're everywhere. The Ram series of pick ups is quite possibly the pick up of choice here in eastern Pennsylvania. The Dodge Ram 3500 is especially growing in popularity thanks in part to trucks going for cheaper prices due to high fuel prices. One would think that high fuel prices would actually make people think twice about getting such a fuel inefficient truck as the Ram 3500, but instead of thinking even one time, they don't think at all.

Ram owners can earn more red neck points by installing an after market exhaust system that comes up through the bed of the truck just behind the cab. This after market exhaust system allows the truck to be audible for just over a mile which is what you want if you've got red neck in your blood. If you go with the after market exhaust system, be sure to have the Confederate flag displayed somewhere on the exterior of your truck.

The Ram 3500 is a symbol that you've got what it takes to be an all out red neck. You've got a large piece of property with a stable somewhere on it, two dozen hogs, two dogs to round up the hogs, and a wife who has a smile that looks like an abandoned factory with two lights left on.

Ford F450
Before doing some research, I didn't realize that some people driving those ridiculous-sized pickups were driving around Ford F450s. I thought that the F350 was as high as the F-series went, however in 2008 Ford decided to up-the-anti to celebrate rising fuel prices by producing an even less fuel efficient truck than the F350. With an impressive 8.2 miles per gallon on average (When factoring in both highway and city mileage) the F450 is truly a red neck mobile.

The F450 can tow up to 24,000 pounds, which means that you can possibly tow your trailer home to and from the brick yard without having to actually leave home. It brings a new meaning to working from home. This truck is a great option for brick yard managers who believe that they haul bricks to and from work, thus they need to get an F450 for personal use on the weekends to drive around like a four door sedan.

It's not possible to gain anymore red neck points since the F450 is the ultimate red neck mobile. Any modifications would detract from its red neck appeal. The only modification that could be done to this truck is painting a Confederate flag onto the hood to ensure that everyone knows you're as red neck as they come.

Lincoln Mark Series 4x4
The Mark Series of pick up trucks from Lincoln are the Bentleys of pick ups. Though I have yet to see anyone here in Northampton County drive one simply because brick laying doesn't pay enough to make the monthly payments required to own such a fine automobile, the amount of red neck points you would earn from owning one would be astronomical - almost as much as the Ford F450 earns you. If indeed there is someone in eastern Pennsylvania who owns one, they most likely don't have a house or clothing as a result of their absurd purchase.

Don't be fooled by the looks of this pick up from Lincoln. It still packs a punch with lots of power, lots of features, and of course the name to go along with the truck. Lincoln (Ford) has done a great job in terms of maximizing revenue by designing a pick up truck that appeals to red necks, as well as city goers who want the prestige of owning such a fine automobile.
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