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| Doing a YIS for "Television, I come up with this. A radio. What is the world coming to? |
Since the 1950s, television has been a big part of the American culture. From news networks, to ESPN, to modern porn networks which have news updates with naked people talking about sports all day long, it's all on TV, and the scope of the baby sitter is still growing and continuing to corrupt the minds of our children by making them want to shoot up schools and beat the shit out of everyone left and right.
If I turn on the TV here, I'm not greeted with all those fancy channels that most of you enjoy, you know, like HBO, Show Time, and a few others, instead I get blasted with a barrage of Spanish stations that babble something about the news - Yet, I still think they're talking about me. Well, ok, I lied. I have all those "fancy" stations and a few others, but only on one TV. I was going to merely use that as my excuse why I don't shoot up schools, but no one would believe that, I mean, after all, I do use the internet! Sorry.
This fall the Used-To-Be-Major-Network-But-Now-A-Big-Joke FOX is going to expand its ever-slipping grasp on viewers with a slue of new break-off networks that will hopefully capture the attention of different people of all different backgrounds around the nation, and hopefully over seas as well to help put a dent in their competition, which currently consists of Channel 00, and your local access channel. The FOX executives said they believe these new break off networks will "bolster their earnings 176% guaranteed" this fall. When I asked them what they would give us if they did not meet the guarantee this fall, they all replied in unison "More shit." and left the room. Needless to say, their proposed networks suck. Big Time.
Either I'm just out of the loop, or they have all lost their minds, their proposed networks make less sense than President Bush makes when reading off of
pre-written cards, but in this day and ages aren't even written on cards, but instead displayed on a monitor below the camera. I understand that FOX wants to appeal to everyone, but some of these networks just won't cut it, they simply appeal to the wrong viewers.
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Network Name: Trading FOXes
Description: I thought that was a clever name for about three seconds after I read it, and then realized how much thought really went into the name - NONE. Good job, guys! I'm sure a 5-year-old sniffing glue could think of a better name than that.
FOX wants to reach the audience that loves Trading Spaces, and While You Were Out as seen on TLC while still appealing to their largest audience - the 35-year-old male in Alabama living in a trailer home who makes $11,000 a year - and is going to cater to them as well. Instead of trading homes, the contestants drive their neighbors trailer homes away into huge storms (AKA: Tornado chasing) and remodel them after they are completely wrecked by simply buying a new one. Again, FOX thinks this network is going to be a huge hit, but they don't seem to realize that Alabama isn't exactly in "Tornado Alley", and that people might actually get killed while doing this.
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| Breaking News 24/7! Nothing but this screen and some fancy music. |
Network Name: Teh Breaking News!!! Network
Description: Again, another stupid name made up by some l33t 16-year-old hacker who likes exclamation points and cannot spell the word "The" properly. TBNN (Teh Breaking News!!! Network) features non-stop, commercial free breaking news to its viewers. Reading further down FOX's description, they say that the only breaking news that they will cover is from the Middle-East, and, of course, any news that people pay them to air on their network.
I take it FOX doesn't already know that we have about eight of those types of networks already on air that have non-stop Iraq breaking news action which consists of "ANOTHER US SOILDER HAS DIED FROM AN IRAQI MASTERMIND WITH A GUN!". Instead of having just one of those eight networks, FOX said that they could even reach more people by providing nothing but Iraq news to their viewers, bringing up their Talley to two out of nine.
Network Name: ComNet
Description: FOX delivers with a name that doesn't sound like a retarded kid with one eye and two teeth didn't make up. "ComNet" is a network devoted to nothing but the latest and greatest commercials that are on the air today. Ok, maybe the name isn't that bad, but who the hell thought of this idea for an entire network devoted to the "latest and greatest commercials" on TV? We already have several channels like that, you know... MTV, MTV2, and BET. The all show about 10 minutes of actual programming, and another 50 minutes of commercials to pay off their bookie, or god knows whatever else they have to pay off. Who knows, maybe even male strippers!
I'm not much a TV person myself, but these ideas just make me want to throw my TV away even more. It's already taking up space and collecting dust, and now it's just a portal for utter crap? No.
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