Topic: Part I: Hostile Holidays (Read 2693 times)

Anonymous · « **on:** November 17, 2003, 02:45:46 PM »

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This is what I didn’t do while being lazy. This is what others did while being lazy.

Some people don’t think that I have it in me anymore. You know, the ability to write endless articles that eventually come to an end, and when they do come to and end, you’re left thinking “what the hell was that about?” Yes, those ones. It’s been a long time, but I’ve come to realize that my precious 5 months of my “me time” where I sat around doing nothing for that entire period of time have finally come to an end, and it’s time for me to once again start doing what I don’t do best. You know, write these endless articles that eventually come to and end which also leaves people thinking, “What the hell was that about?”

The Judge and I thought it would be a good idea if from now until the end of the Holiday Season, which is sometime after New Years Day, or maybe just after Kwanza we have an article a week pertaining to the Holiday Season and just how sill it really all is. You know, the fact that people get so worked up about it, and then forget what it’s really supposed to be about – money, I mean, I don’t know what it’s supposed to be about, I’ve always thought it’s about money, but apparently I’ve been mislead.

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There are probably the same people you hate to see come over to your house. They're waiting on your doorstep as you read this.

Here it is, early November, only a few weeks left until it’s Thanksgiving here in the United States and only about 5 months since I last wrote anything, mind you. Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the Holiday Season here in the United States, and that means that for most people, annoying family members are only weeks away, and if you’re unlucky enough, they might just be living in your basement right now eating all your food. You know, those family members you hate with a passion, almost to the point that you want to kill them by sticking their head in the oven along with the turkey or whatever you might be cooking for your meal. The ones that bring you the most ridiculous gifts that you will not use in a million years, the ones that bring up all the wrong memories at all the wrong times, the ones that will keep you awake until 1 in the morning talking about those memories, the ones that don’t remember who they are because they are too old to remember and soil themselves in the middle of the night. Yes, those ones. I, on the other hand, am fortunate enough to not have to deal with those problems. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad at this point, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not writing an autobiography here. Who the hell would want to read that anyway?

The Holiday Season isn’t all about annoying family members anymore, or even holidays for that matter. Above all, the holiday Season is really all about merchandising. Yes, that’s right. Companies want to make as much money as they can possibly make between the months of November and mid January. How do they do this you ask. Simple. They advertise like hell. They won’t miss any chance that they get to advertise. If they could, they’d advertise on toilet paper, or even the very Depends that your annoying family members that soil themselves wear. Yes, that’s how desperate they are to make money. Here it is, only a week into November, and there’s already commercials on TV that are trying to sell pre-lit Christmas Trees. Here we are in November and it was 80 degrees the other day and they want to sell me a Christmas tree. They aren’t the only ones that are trying to get rich from the holidays however. Believe it or not, a lot of companies actually use holidays to their advantage without us even knowing it until we give it a good hard look, just like the tobacco companies do, or at least are supposed to do. And since I’m such a hard thinker, I’ve been able to decipher their madness, just like how Truth Media says there are ingredients on bottles of water.

Automotive Dealers
Car dealers know how to make money, and they use the Holiday Season to capitalize on it even further. They know that people feel like giving more during these months, so they gear their commercials into tricking people into giving their nice son or daughter a brand new car as a gift. First of all, why the hell would you want to give your son or daughter a new car? Most likely as a parent in this day and age, you didn’t have someone buy you a brand new car when you were growing up 20 or 30 years ago, so why the hell should you have to buy them a car? Let them get off their asses and work for it. I don’t want to hear that crap about them having too much to do in school and friends. You have to give a little to get a little, right? Isn’t that what this Holiday Season is all about anyway? You know, giving and receiving. Second, who has that kind of money to give an entire car away as a gift? It’s hard enough getting a car of your own, let alone giving one to someone as a gift. I don’t know what car dealers are thinking when they make these commercials showing cars being given away as gifts. Maybe they’re talking about Hot Wheels Cars or something.

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This is every food company’s dream. Fat people. Except this guy is going to get hit by a roller coaster and die.
Food Manufacturers
Even though the Holiday Season is all about unwanted family members that you want to kill and merchandising, it’s also all about food. Sure, isn’t it always about the food to us fat lazy Americans that have invented such things as the light bulb, the automobile, and possibly obesity, as well as diabetes which go hand in hand? Well, it’s even more about the food during the Holiday Season. Not only do the food companies want us to buy their products so they can get rich during these few months, but they want us to buy their products so we can gain weight and complain about our fat asses. “Why would they want us to gain weight?” you think. I’ll tell you why. You know all those emails that you start to get in May or so about weight loss pills that will somehow make you lose 43.2 pounds every time you eat more fattening foods after taking their pill? Well, the makers of those pills are the same ones that want you to get fat. You might not realize it, but I sure as hell caught on to it. The food industry has capitalized on the Holiday Season in America and has been making big bucks off of it for many years now, we’ve just been too stupid to realize it. I’ve heard rumors that the makers of the weight loss pills are working with car manufacturers on a way to speed up the process of global warming. This way they’ll always keep the weather cold and snowy so no one can go out side and exercise.

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Support Communism and download evil pirated music.
Record Industry (AKA: RIAA)
Despite the recording industry taking a “big hit” from online music sharing as well as them raising the prices for all their records and producing less products to begin with, they still know how to rake in the money when it comes around to the Holiday Season. They don’t employ the same methods as the rest of the businesses out there, however. Instead of making money on goods that they have sold, they make money on goods that have been stolen from them. That’s right, all you hoodlums out there think you’re doing them harm. Just wait until the Mailman shows up on your doorstep one day with a nice Cease and Desist letter. Come Christmas time, they can just print out a few more copies of those letters, send them out to some folks, and sue some people and use that money to hand out bonuses. Who cares if your bonus money came from a 6-year-old little girl, or a 70-year-old man? Hey, money is money, right? Desperate times call for desperate measures, so when the economy becomes sluggish, you know you can always rely on the court system to make some money instead of rolling with the punches like everyone else.

I’m sure there’s more than just that above. I’m sure there are a lot more companies out there that screw people for money when it comes to the Holiday Season. Well, not literally screwing people for money, but you know what I mean. Instead of the Holiday Season capitalizing on the fact that people should try to be even nicer to each other rather than use their cell phones while driving, driving on the wrong side of the road, or just being plain mean in stores while waiting online talking on their cell phone, businesses use this time to try to capitalize on capitol instead and enjoy screwing other people while in the process.

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Author Topic: Part I: Hostile Holidays (Read 2693 times)

Anonymous

Part I: Hostile Holidays