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Submitted byTheJudgeLet’s continue the tale of my religious epic. Last time, I ended my story with me begin for forgiveness to Jesus because I told him to eat shit for making me fall of my bike. The way I saw it is he either forgave me initially or he got feed up with all the prayer harassment and forgave me so I would shut up. Where do I go from here? Oh… I know…
At some point in my childhood, I don’t remember exactly when, I was told various stories of divine apparitions so I figured if Mary or Jesus could appear before other people, surely Jesus would appear before me if I really focused. My faith was strong; I was trying to lead my life based on the teachings of my religion. Why on earth wouldn’t Jesus grant me an apparition? Or even just a sign that he’s around, watching over me.
So for months, I tried to spot Jesus. A couple of times, I thought I did, but then I realized my mind was playing tricks on me. It’s like partridge hunting: You’re so desperate to see one that your mind creates one, but when you shoot it and it doesn’t move, you realize you’ve been staring at a rock all along.
Eventually, I gave up on the whole apparition and concluded that it must require a lot of divine energy to accomplish such a feat. Perhaps I was asking too much? So then, I started focusing on little things. I’d put a pencil on a table and ask Jesus to move it if he was present. Or I would sit on the piano bench ask pray that a note would magically be heard. No success… I tried simpler things: a candle. Surely Jesus could extinguish the candle without trouble! But alas, despite my best efforts, I didn’t achieve the results I was aiming for. None of my prayers were answered so I went back to the drawing board. Obviously, I wasn’t praying hard enough, or I didn’t have enough faith. I was doing something wrong. As I was reevaluating my method, I remembered a critical element: Believe without seeing! Right! That’s why Jesus didn’t show up! He doesn’t have to! I should believe, and I do believe, therefore I’m just wasting my time! Boy did I feel stupid! But then… why is it that he appeared before others? Was it because they didn’t believe? I was left with more questions than answers.
A big part of religion is death. I remember the first funeral I attended. I was young, perhaps too young to understand fully what was going on. My uncle had passed away. He fell off a building and died while he was working. So there I was, standing before his coffin… I wasn’t sad. A part of me was actually happy because there was no doubt in my mind that he was now with Jesus. So… why was everyone around me in tears? Obviously, they didn’t have a strong faith like I did. “Don’t you people know that he’s in heaven now? With Jesus!” is what I felt like screaming. “He’s probably walking along a path, chatting with Jesus and looking over us, asking us not to worry! Relax people!” That’s how I pictured it in my brain. And the thought stayed in my brain and never materialized. Thank God! Can you imagine?
So then, I became fascinated with death. I too wanted to meet Jesus. I had been trying to do so for so long! Perhaps death was the only way. Now, let’s get the facts straight here, I didn’t want to end my life or anything like that. But often, I was looking forward to the day I died so that I could finally meet Jesus and ask him about all sorts of things that I didn’t understand. So for a while, especially when I wasn’t the happiest kid on the block, I prayed to Jesus and asked him to come and take me in my sleep so I could finally meet him. I wasn’t scared. I couldn’t help but to feel a little disappointment every time I awoke each morning. But then, I figured Jesus had plans for me. It wasn’t my time yet. I trusted Jesus with my life and trusted in his ability to execute what ever plan he had in store for me. And just like that, my fascination with death passed just as quickly as it came.
More to come…
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