The Geek Forum
Main Forums => Sticky Stuff (no pun intended) => Topic started by: Demosthenes on January 13, 2011, 12:58:25 PM
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Post your funny Me/Them stories here.
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one time at high school, in grade 11. Our math class won a trip to Canada's wonderland. i was really pumped. i was soo pumped up i head butted my teacher. (not really) but, i was sent to the office for being late. and im always late.. so i wasnt allowed to leave school grounds for a "punishment".. they said i had to pick up garbage.. but i said no way.. i rather spend the whole day with the principal at canadas wonderland.. BY THE WAY... the office knows me very well.. And they always treat me like shit.. iam mouthy and dont really care much.. but i dont care about that.... so they decided that they would make me spend the whole day at canadas wonderland..(fdor you people who have a serious buzz and dont know what canadas wonderland is.. its an amusment park) under supervision.. i was pretty pissed at that.. but i wasnt pissed after i got out of the office becuase i saw up the secritarys skirt and i poped like 16 boners.. i went home and fooled around with my girlfriend, as i thought about the secritary.. anyways..
So friday comes along.. in the morning before we left we had a breakfest.. i smoked a nice jay in the car, priror to this breakfest soo i ate soo much i didnt even eat lunch..
so after the nice jay my buddy and i walked into the school and notice they had coffee there.. i like coffee cause it gets me pumped.. soo i notice ms.tinney standing near the coffee.. and luckily i had some "king bio natural" which is a liquid similar to exlax.. makes you take serious shits. soo i decided to do something.. ha ha ha.. (this story may seemed fucked, but its 8:00am and ive been up all night drinking, smoking dope, and doing some other "stuff")
i approached the coffee stands with a smile and ms.tinney noticed me right away.. she smiled at me and said something stupid.. i think it was "hey, you showed up!" and i just said good morning to her... i then grabed a cup and handed it to my buddy.. who was eating all the pancakes on the other side because we smoked a nice jay and he had serious munchies.. so my buddy who has the serious munchies pours about a quarter cup full of "king bio natural" (the stuff that makes your ass leak) i then took the cup back and filled it up with coffee... i noticed she was talking to other students soo, i distrupted her and said "her, lets start out day off right" or something like that.. i sort of forget cause i had smoked a nice jay in the car prior to the breakfest... She smiled at me and said something really gay like.. soo, far. mr.cant say my last name, it seems like we're off to a good start.."
sooo the fat grease ball(my principal) pours creme and sugar into her "coffee".. i then just walked away and said something like ill see ya in a bit...
soo we bored the fackin buses and of course my principal says you cant sit with any of your friends.. or girls.. soo i had to go sit up at the front of the bus with the fat grease ball princial.. she took up soo much room on the bus seat i had to sit on the edge, the side of the seat was going up my ass.. but i knew it would be worth it...
soo shes still drinking her coffee, siping on it like a facking know it all..
by the way it was about an hour drive and the whole way there she kept asking me idiotic questions about my family... i she wanted to get to know me.. she says she knows my dad.. (everyone knows my filthy father.. he is the only neuro surgeon in and around the city) soo, we finally arrive at Canada's facking Wonderland, and she's acting all cool with her dorky glasses and fat ass.. she gives us instructions on when to meet back at the buses and stuff like that.. and everyone gets their tickets and spreads way.. im still with the ms.tinney, the fat grease ball, i noticed in line she was getting uncomfertable.. as soon as we got in.. she said lets go to the washroom first... meanwhile shes walking soo fast for a large person, it was an attraction its self.. she then went into the washroom.. im with my buddy and his girlfriend.. my girlfriend was with her friends, and they wernt far behind.. soo im waiting in front of the smelly washrooms for about 10 minutes.. 15 minutes go by and i finally tell my friends girlfriend to go in there too see if she is alright... my buddys girlfriend comes out about 3 minutes later and says... lets go... and i say "what do you mean" and my buddys girlfriend says
"your allowed to go with your friends." after she said that i was laughing soo hard i went and took a leak..which was sweet.
Soo, at 3 o'clock we are supposed to meet up at the buses.. we meet there, and its about 3:30pm.. still no prinicpal....so i told ms.gullo, the other teacher who wears sweet thongs all the time, the last time i saw her was in the washroom.. and i told her she said i could go by myself.. the whole bus was quiet and listening to me.. which was sweet.. cause i got off of hanging with the fat greaser all day...
so ms. gullo goes to the washrooms checks.. no principal..
fuck this.. im just going to sum it up... ms.gullo goes to the information desk and asks about the principal...the principal was in the nurses aid.. with explosive diarehhea... i dont know what happend for sure in the nurses aid room because i wasnt there...
overall... she shat all day and probley all night.. she never knew it was me that put bio natural in her coffee...
that was long... holy shit
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Ok so what happened was this one time Randy Beeman was in his kitchen looking for a snack and he opened up the refrigerator and inside the refrigerator was a jar of yogurt and he started eating the yogurt and then Randy Beeman's mom came in and she asked him what he was doing and he said he was eating yogurt but then she said, "That isn't yogurt."
K, bye
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User: *walks into office*
Me: Can I help you?
User: I was trying to transfer some inventory and $ERP_app locked up and now my computer's just a blank screen!
Me: I can fix that from here if I can end whatever process is locked up on your computer. What's your computer number?
User: ...
User: How would I know that?
Me: It's the 4-digit number on the big, red and silver sticker we have on every single computer in the company. You know. The number we ask for every single time one of you calls us or asks any of us for IT help.
User: ...
Me: :roll:
Me: Right. Got it. Okay, let's go over there.
Me: *walks with User all the way across the production floor, into the warehouse, and all the way across the warehouse to where User's office is located*
User: See! Just a blank screen!
Me: You're not running $ERP_app locally. You're running it on the Terminal Server. :x
User: :?
Me: *sigh* I can't fix this from here. I need to log you off the server. I wish you'd told me that before I had to waste time walking all the way out here.
Me: *walks all the way back across the warehouse, back across the production floor, and into the IT office*
Me: *opens up tsadmin.exe*
Me: *right-click on User, log out*
What is normally literally a 30 second issue turned into 10 minutes of uselessness. And end users wonder why we get frustrated with them when they don't give us enough information. :roll:
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I should probably mention that I'm not opposed to getting up and walking across the whole big-ass building to troubleshoot something.
But when for one, said walkabout was completely pointless, and for another, when this happens 10 times a day, all those useless walkabouts add up to a whole lot of inefficient, wasted time.
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So you believe in being lean. Good.
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So you believe in being lean. Good.
As a matter of fact, that's precisely my point. And my employer does too. So I have a perfectly good justification to tell users "put in a ticket or call with your computer number when you have problems like this" that isn't just related to my annoyance at walking.
If every user did what this one did, I'd literally never get anything done but walking all day.
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It would be interesting if you wore a pedometer and calculated how many unecessary steps you have taken in a month.
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This happened over my lunch hour, while I was in the break room, quietly reading my book. The user in question walked up to me and started unceremoniously yammering at me.
User: I can't log in.
Me: Log into what?
User: Email.
Me: In what way?
User: It won't let me.
Me: :roll:
Me: I mean, what are you trying to log into? A workstation? OWA? What?
User: I don't know. I just need to get into my email and it won't let me.
Me: Okay, assuming you mean you're trying to log into OWA, [since this user is a production floor user most likely using a PC without MS Office installed on it], what happens when you try?
User: It says the username-domain passwords are wrong.
Me: *sigh*
Me: Show me.
Me: *follows user out to workstation where he's at an OWA login prompt*
Me: What's your user name?
User: It's $username.
Me: Okay, type that in the "user name" field.
User: *does so*
Me: Okay, then go ahead and type your password in the "password" field.
User: *does so* See? Won't let me in.
Me: And you're sure that's the right password?
User: Well OF COURSE it is.
Me: Well, maybe your account is locked out.
Me: *walks all the way back to own desk, logs in, pulls up active directory and notes that the user's account is not locked out*
Me: *walks all the way back to the production floor, finds User* Your account isn't locked out. I'm guessing you're typing your password wrong.
User: No, I'm typing it right.
Me: That could be, but what you're typing isn't the password.
User: [getting irritated] WELL I JUST NEED THIS TO WORK, SO FIX IT.
Me: Okay, let ME try it. *sits down* What's your password?
User: It's $password.
Me: *types User's username and password into OWA login screen*
Me: Looks like that works.
User: :-o How'd you do that!?
Me: Beats me. Looks like that is your password though. *logs out* Here, you try it again.
User: *sits down, types username and password*
User: Nope. Won't let me in.
User: So obviously something's wrong.
Me: :roll: Obviously. *logs user in again* I'm going to go finish my lunch hour now.
User: So... when will you fix this?
Me: *walks away*
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Back when I worked retail (I'm paraphrasing here)...
Customer: "I'd like to return this notebook computer"
Me: "Ok, what seems to be the trouble"
Customer: "It just shuts off after awhile"
I turn on the computer, it seems just fine
Me: "How long did it take to shut off before?"
Customer: "A few hours"
Me: "A few hours? Did you have it plugged in?"
Customer: "No"
Me: "Well, the battery probably just ran out. They only run 4-5 hours on the battery"
I don't remember the exact details after that, but we ended up doing the return since it was within a few days of the purchase.
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However, the craziest customer I ever helped, BY FAR, was a woman who was convinced that several huge corporations were after her. Disney was after her because she knew, or could prove, that one of their characters was plagiarized, and some huge fashion company was hacking into her computer to steal her knitting or crochet patterns.
How did she know someone was stealing her stuff? because sometimes her screen would flash as though someone were photographing it!
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(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/crazy2.gif)
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(http://www.customerssuck.com/board/images/smilies/runaway.gif)
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My opponent in this particular battle of wits is an out-of-state sales person who works for our company who called me up this afternoon.
Her: I'm at the Sprint store, they're giving me a different phone.
Me: Okay?
Her: They're helping me set up mail on it. What's my email password?
Me: :?
Me: What... do you mean?
Her: I need my email password to get my mail set up on my new phone.
Me: I have no way of knowing what your password is.
Me: I could reset it for you if you've forgotten it...
Her: Well I don't know what it is either, so resetting it is not a big deal.
Me: How... can you not know ... what it is?
Her: Well I never have to type it, so I have no idea what it is.
Me: You work from home there, right?
Her: Yes...
Me: With the company laptop we gave you.
Her: Yes... what's this have to do with anything?
Me: [thinking she's using OWA or something] How... do you normally get email? I know you have Outlook on your laptop. I installed it myself.
Her: Outlook doesn't ask me for my password. All my email is just there already in it.
Me: Well no, Outlook shouldn't ask you. But if you don't know your password, how are you getting logged on to our network remotely?
Her: :x
Her: Like I always do.
Me: It's the same password.
Her: NO. NOT my network password. I need my EMAIL password.
Me: You don't HAVE a separate password for email.
Her: *sigh*
Her: Look, I'm getting mail set up on my replacement phone, AND THERE IS A PASSWORD FIELD there
Her: And it won't let me leave it blank.
Me: So put in your password!
Her: I DON'T KNOW MY PASSWORD.
Me: It's the same password!
Her: I'll just call Adam when he's back on Monday
Me: Just try it. Type your usual network password in the "password" field and it will work.
Her: *click*
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Incidentally, this pretty much sums up how I envision most people who work in Sales, just based on years of having to provide tech support for them.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/elan_dunce.jpg)
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Obviously, Demo, It's more understandable to have different passwords for each work application you use.
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Actually I've had that happen to me. The network login and my email login were different; but only because the group I was in hadn't migrated to the new domain yet. So my email login had the new domain in it, and that password was different than the one I logged in "to work"; which was the 'old' domain login and password.
tada
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Jeez.
Co-worker: "... blah blahblah Mayans blablahblah 2012 blah blah better get yourself 'right' blah blah"
Me: "... wait, what?"
Co-worker: "2012. The Mayans predicted it."
Me: "The Mayans predicted. . . 2012?"
Co-worker: "Yeh! Their calendar predicted 2012; way back thousands of years ago!"
Me: "Um. No. 2012 comes after 2011; Mayans or none. They didn't predict 2012. Its a sequential year in the midst of thousands of other years."
Co-worker: "But they predicted it; how could they have KNOWN about 2012 several thousand years ago?"
Me: "They could COUNT?"
Retards aren't always fun to watch. :|
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I work in the bakery department of a grocery store in a very tourist-y area of the Pocono mountains. It's hell on Earth. Today:
Customer: I need a birfday cake.
Me: Well, you've come to the right place. All of our cakes are in this case here.
Customer: MAN, THESE AIN'T NO BIRFDAY CAKES! THEY GOT FLOWAHS AND SHIT ON 'EM!
Me: ...well, ma'am, they're pretty much general purpose cakes. They can be served for just about any occasion.
Customer: *stalks off to the Carvel ice cream cake freezer*
Customer: *shoves ice cream cake at me* Write "Happy Birfday, Shawn" on this.
Me: Is that spelled S-E-A-N?
Customer: :x ESS. AITCH. AY. DUH. BA. YOU. EN. :x
Me: *writes on cake and hands it to customer* There you are, ma'am. Thank you very much.
Customer: How much is it?
Me: $27.99; you can pay for it at the registers up front.
Customer: I AIN'T PAYIN' NO 30 DOLLAHS FUH NO BIRFDAY CAKE!![/b]
Me: *facepalm*
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While eating at a restaurant this weekend
wife:Wow, this is really great food
Me: Yep, it's good shit.
Wife (frowning): It's not "shit"
me: It will be soon!
(I'm such a romantic)
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You are not what you eat. You are what you don't shit.
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You mean this one? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VePks5E3QD4
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I bumped into an old co-worker at my new work. (Didn't knock her down.)
Me: Hey! Remember me? We used to work at Joyner together!
Her: Oh yeah! I remember you now. blah blah blah
Me: blah blah blah
Her: I know why I didn't recognize you. You were smaller then.
Me thinking: Wait, I was shorter then?
Wait, no, she's saying I'm bigger now, like fatter?
Does she know I'm pregnant?
Well, that doesn't matter, it's true, I WAS smaller then.
But can you say that?
She just did.
I was smaller then? Do people say that??
Me: Yeah. Smaller. :|
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I bumped into an old co-worker at my new work. (Didn't knock her down.)
Me: Hey! Remember me? We used to work at Joyner together!
Her: Oh yeah! I remember you now. blah blah blah
Me: blah blah blah
Her: I know why I didn't recognize you. You were smaller then.
Me thinking: Wait, I was shorter then?
Wait, no, she's saying I'm bigger now, like fatter?
Does she know I'm pregnant?
Well, that doesn't matter, it's true, I WAS smaller then.
But can you say that?
She just did.
I was smaller then? Do people say that??
Me: Yeah. Smaller. :|
You should've knocked her down.
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Adobe should DIAF.
User: OMG NEED UPDATED FLASH
Me: No prob. I've been updating machines as people bring it up. I have the most recent standalone installer on a network share
Me: *remotes to User's computer*
Me: *logs in as self, runs standalone installer, just like every other time*
Installer: Successfully installed!
Me: There we go, ttyl
User: Thanks!
*10 minutes later*
User: Uh, this site still says I need Flash
Me: *re-remotes to User's computer*
Me: Huh. *looks at "Manage addons in IE*
IE:OMG I'M STILL USENING FLASH PLAYER 9.SOMETHING
Me: Uhhh
Me: *logs user out, logs in as self*
Me: *runs installer again for Flash 10.2*
Me: *launches IE*
IE: LOL NOPE STILL FLASH PLAYER 9.SOMETHING OMG Weird Tingly Feeling BBQ
Me: Weird Tingly Feeling?
Me: *add-remove programs*
Me: *uninstall Adobe Flash Player*
IE: LOL NOPE STILL FLASH PLAYER 9.SOMETHING OMG Weird Tingly Feeling BBQ
Me: *runs standalone Flash Player 10.2 installer again*
IE: LOL NOPE STILL FLASH PLAYER 9.SOMETHING OMG Weird Tingly Feeling BBQ
Me: *goes to C:\Windows\system32\Macromed and deletes the Flash directory*
Windows: Fuck you. Access is denied.
Me: *checks permissions, verifies full control*
Me: *tries deleting again*
Windows: Fuck you. Access is denied.
Me: *takes ownership of the Flash directory*
Me: *tries deleting again*
Windows: Fuck you. Access is denied.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
Me: *reboots*
Me: *logs in once it comes up*
Me: *tries navigating out to the Flash directory again, is interrupted by a notification that Adobe Flash needs to update*
Me: *goes on shooting spree*
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Demo, now I know you're embellishing.
Me: *logs in once it comes up*
You left out the part about getting a cup of coffee, watching a movie and reghosting 4 computers while waiting for it to come up.
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True.
As a side note, I couldn't turn off Offline Files on this stupid computer either. The user is always network-connected, has no need for this, and had complained about always having to wait for everything to synchronize every time he logs on or off. So I went into Explorer.exe=>Tools=>Folder Options=>Offline Files, unchecked "Enable Offline Files", which should kill the synchronizing. Right?
Wrong. Stupid pile of crap continued to sync every time I logged on or off while troubleshooting this dumb Flash problem. Even after a reboot.
I went back into the Offline Files options again and unchecked it AGAIN, and now it seems to have listened, but who knows.
Fact of the matter is, regardless of your login, if you're running Windows, you're clearly not in charge of your computer.
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She was talking about your pre-parenthood experience, not you belly.
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Still should have knocked her down.
DOWN!
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Doobie down down down
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Adobe should DIAF....
Yeah, I ran into Flash not properly updating several times.
Every now and then it simply will not update until you've nuked the old installation from orbit.
Doesn't help that the Specialized uninstaller program (http://kb2.adobe.com/cps/141/tn_14157.html) is buried in Adobe's site.
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Any Adobe installation should be completely removed and replaced with Foxit (http://www.foxitsoftware.com/downloads/index.php).
Adobe sucks harder than a fiending crackhead.
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Seconded on the Foxit PDF reader - so much smaller and less intrusive that the Adobe Acrobat Reader.
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Any Adobe installation should be completely removed and replaced with Foxit (http://www.foxitsoftware.com/downloads/index.php).
Yeah, I agree. But this was a Flash installation.
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Yeah, I agree. But this was a Flash installation.
(http://dvdtalk.com/dvdsavant/images/3223b.jpg)
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Him: *describes problem that was happening last night, but isn't happening now*
Me: Okay? :?
Him: JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.
Me: Thanks, I guess?
Him: SO, WHEN WILL YOU GUYS GET A CHANCE TO LOOK AT IT?
Me: Considering that you didn't bother telling anyone when it happened, and everything's working fine now... I guess never?
Him: WHAT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN?
Me: Maybe you should let us know when it's happening. Instead of waiting until the next day.
Him: I DON'T SEE HOW THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
Me: Okay then. Thanks!
Him: ...
Him: WELL SOMEONE NEEDS TO LOOK AT THIS.
Me: *looks at it*
Me: Yup. Looks like it's working. Thanks. Talk to you later.
Him: ...
Him: WELL THIS ISN'T ANY HELP AT ALL.
Me: Yes! I know exactly how you feel. Have a good one.
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Him: OMG I CAN'T GET TO ANY FOLDERS ON THE PDC SERVER!!!!!!
Me: Of course not. It was powered down 20 minutes ago. In fact, Eric and Charlie are probably in the process of pulling it off the rack and putting it into the storage room as we speak.
Him: BUT I NEED THE FILES FROM THAT SERVER!
Me: You... didn't copy the data you needed from it to the Departments server like the dozen or so emails warning of this advised?
Him: Where were we supposed to copy that stuff to?
Me: Each department had its own share on the Departments server. I'm not sure where you guys were supposed to go, off the top of my head. It was in all of the emails Charlie has been sending to department leaders for the past six weeks.
Him: BUT I NEED THOSE FILES!!!!!
Me: Well, put in a ticket stating which specific files/folders you need from the old server and once Charlie has time, I'm sure he'll still be able to power up the old PDC server and retrieve them.
Him: BUT I NEED THEM NOW.
Me: Well, you've had six weeks to get the things you needed off that server. This isn't any kind of surprise to anyone. We didn't keep it a secret. In fact, Charlie sent out the last email to everyone a half hour before he shut it down this morning, saying "at 10:30 this morning we'll be pulling the plug on PDC, so anything you still have not moved by then will be inaccessible to ALL from that point on."
Him: BUT I NEED THEM NOW.
Me: I can't get them for you... the server's powered off, and it's in the other building, totally inaccessible at the moment. You'll have to submit a ticket for it.
[15 minutes later]
Him: *submits ticket saying "Need to be able to transfer my files on my computer to the Departments share on $department_server."*
Me: *facepalm*
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Me: You're a delicious-looking pepperoni stick. You're labeled "Hot." Are you really "Hot"? The last few weren't really "Hot."
Him: ...
Me: You make a good point, "Hot" pepperoni stick. I will eat you.
Him: ...
Me: HOLY JESUS THAT WAS ACCURATE
Him: ...
Me: I HAVE HICCUPS AND WILL BE DEAD SOON
Him: ...
Me: *HICCUP*
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HER: Rosati's Pizza, how can I help you?
ME: I'd like to place an order for delivery please.
...placing order stuff here....
HER: Will this be cash or credit?
ME: Credit.
HER: Go ahead with the card number whenever you're ready.
ME: Gives card number.
HER: Expiration date?
ME: June, 2012
HER: Oh, the card didn't run. Can I get the number again?
ME: Gives card number.
HER: Expiration date?
ME: June, 2012
HER: Weird...it failed again. Can we try it one more time?
ME: Sure. Gives card number.
HER: Expiration date?
ME: June, 2012.
HER: Um, that's..........08, 2012.......right?
ME: (totally deadpan but DYING on the inside) Uh, no...June would be the SIXTH month of the year.
HER: OH! It totally worked this time.
You guys have no idea how much I wanted to ask her if she needs help tying her shoes. I immediately hung up with her and called, like, three different people to tell them all the story. The scary and REALLY pathetic part is that this was about a month ago. I called a few days ago and she did the EXACT SAME THING.
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HECTAR!
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You guys have no idea how much I wanted to ask her if she needs help tying her shoes. I immediately hung up with her and called, like, three different people to tell them all the story. The scary and REALLY pathetic part is that this was about a month ago. I called a few days ago and she did the EXACT SAME THING.
... and yet you trust her with your credit card number?
:wink:
EDIT:
Upon further contemplation, it occurs to me that she's probably too stupid to be able to successfully do anything dishonest with it.
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Detta: Ok so I'm typing an email using gmail and I don't know what happened (crap like this always happens on this laptop), but all of a sudden everything is GIGANTIC!! But it's only in one tab. The rest of them are regular. I don't even know how to adjust the font size in Chrome since there are no menus on top. Does anyone know anything?
Me: You probably accidentally rolled the mouse wheel (or whatever is the analog for that on your laptop) while pressing the CTL key. That's what does it for me.
Detta: Hey!!! That fixed it! Thanks!
Me: All in a day's work, ma'am.
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Register.com: *ring ring* May I speak with William Merrifield?
Me: This is he.
Register.com: Hello, William, I am John from Register.com, and I see you signed up
for the five year plan on your last renewal. Would you like me to set that up for you?
Me: (a bit confused; I've never spoken with anyone about anything to do with my website or domain; all done online) Excuse me?
Register.com: I see you signed up for the five year plan on your last renewal.
Me: (knowing full well who Register.com is) Excuse me?
Register.com: William, I am John from Register.com
Me: I speak English. You mentioned renewal and -
Register.com: (interrupting) Yes, you were on the five year plan on your last renewal; can I set that up for you?
Me: First; you should state what you're renewing to people. I don't -
Register.com: (interrupting) Your domain name, "musichouse.biz".
Me: .... I.... do NOT like being interrupted. Also, I haven't spoken with any person about this previously, and have never
had someone call me to renew. If I renew; I will do it when I get online and am renewing things; I don't do that over the phone.
Register.com: Yes, well, I can go ahead and set that up for you right now -
Me: *click*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring* May I speak with William Merrifield?
Me:This is he.
Register.com: Hi, William, this is Samantha. Would you like me to renew your domain name?
Me: No. I already told you guys I don't do that over the phone. I -
Register.com: (interrupting) I can go ahead and set that up for you now, if you like, William.
Me: *click*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
***Next Day***
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
***Next Day***
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
***Next Day***
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
****two hours later****
Register.com:*ring ring*
Me: *looks at number; sees its Register.com again, silences phone*
(continues for TWO WEEKS)
***today***
Register.com: *ring ring*
Me: Hello?
Register.com: May I speak with William Merrifield?
Me:This is he.
Register.com: Hello, William, I am Charles from Register.com, and -
Me:(interrupting) YES, I KNOW AND IF YOU DON'T STOP BLOWING UP MY DAMN PHONE IM TAKING IT TO GODADDY. *click*
****two hours later****
...silence
****two hours later****
...silence
****two hours later****
...silence
....Maybe they got the message?
-
****The next day****
*ring, ring* This is Fred from godaddy.com, I see you've got a domain registered with register.com. Care to switch?
-
User: OMG I CAN'T GET TO THE INTRANET
Me: :? What happens when you try?
User: It just goes to MSN.com!
Me: W.T.F.?
Me: *remotes to User's workstation*
Me: Show me.
User: *launches Internet Explorer*
User: SEE!? It just goes to MSN!!!!
Me: ...
Me: That's because msn.com is the default homepage for Internet Explorer. Type "intranet" in the address bar.
User: :?
User: OMG THAT WORKS.
Me: Yeaaaah. Every time.
User: So when will you fix this?
Me: lol wut
-
User: I'm trying to get this Outlook voicemail plugin to work but it keeps telling me "authorization failed".
Me: Well, we sent out instructions last week for this. Are you following the PDF we sent out?
User: Yes! I even printed it out.
Me: Okay. What step are you stuck on?
User: The step where it says "Type your user name in the 'Alias' field".
Me: Gotcha. All right, I'm going to remote to your computer so I can see if anything else is going on.
Me: *remotes to User's computer*
Me: ...
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/spit.gif)
User: What's so funny?
Me: Uh. Where it says "Type your user name", it doesn't mean literally type the words "your user name".
User: Then what should I type there?
-
You're making shit up.
-
I wish I were.
To make things worse, about 10 minutes after that, I overheard a coworker on the phone with A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT USER who had done the exact same thing.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif)
-
You need to be more clear in your PDF files.
-
We were just discussing that, actually. Thing is, anything we've come up with as an alternate way of phrasing that step would still lead to the same result for the really dumb users.
At this point I'm torn between being overjoyed that users are actually paying attention to procedures we write, and saddened that they're too stupid to follow even the simplest steps in them.
-
Well, another alternative would be to change everyone's user name to "your user name".
-
Heh. Or, as one coworker suggested, make that part of the procedure a dynamic field that automatically pulls their %username% when they open it...
-
There you go. Or switch to a web-based UI and let FireFox remember their names for them.
-
Incidentally, "%username%" is what I write on name tags any time I have to wear them.
-
i am so stealing that
-
Hell, you could steal my actual old nametags and wear them. That's the great thing about global variables, isn't it? :lol:
-
All the world's a global variable,
And all the men and women merely fleeting values
Stored in RAM.
If God reboots, we're screwed.
-
Take as many as you want, Jesus is looking at the pomegranates
-
User: I can't reset my PIN on my voicemail.
Me: Since the phone system upgrade, PINs have to be minimum of 6 digits, and they can't be repeating or sequential.
User: Oh. Thanks.
Me: No problem.
[User hangs up, calls back a minute later]
User: Hm..
Me: Yes?
User: No, this still isn't working.
Me: Is your new PIN 6 digits?
User: Yes.
Me: Is it non-sequential?
User: It's 123456.
Me: That's sequential. You can't do that.
User: Hm.
[User hangs up, calls back a minute later]
User: Damn it. This STILL doesn't work.
Me: It can't be repeating either.
User: It's not. I set it to 987654.
Me: That's sequential.
User: No it isn't.
Me: ...
Me: Those numbers are in order.
User: They're backwards.
Me: BACKWARDS IS AN ORDER.
[User hangs up, calls back a minute later]
User: It's still not letting me set my new PIN.
Me: What did you try this time?
User: 555555
Me: That's repeating.
User: So NOTHING I set will work?
Me: *sigh* Just make it non-sequential and non-repeating!
User: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
Me: Clearly. Look. Try this: 369258.
User: Ok.
[User hangs up, calls back a minute later]
User: OMG THAT WORKED.
Me: Good!
User: Why did that one work when none of the others did?
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif)
-
That one deserves a Darwin award. They beat the odds.
-
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: I can't reset my PIN on my voicemail.
:-) Me: Since the phone system upgrade, PINs have to be minimum of 6 digits, and they can't be repeating or sequential.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: Oh. Thanks.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/wink.gif) Me: No problem.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) [User hangs up, calls back a minute later]
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: Hm..
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/paranoid.gif) Me: Yes?
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: No, this still isn't working.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idea.gif) Me: Is your new PIN 6 digits?
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: Yes.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/huh.gif) Me: Is it non-sequential?
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: It's 123456.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/rofl2.gif) Me: That's sequential. You can't do that.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: Hm.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) [User hangs up, calls back a minute later]
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: Damn it. This STILL doesn't work.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/huh2.gif) Me: It can't be repeating either.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: It's not. I set it to 987654.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/thwap.gif) Me: That's sequential.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: No it isn't.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/thunder.gif) Me: ...
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/crazy2.gif) Me: Those numbers are in order.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: They're backwards.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/pissed.gif) Me: BACKWARDS IS AN ORDER.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) [User hangs up, calls back a minute later]
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif)User: It's still not letting me set my new PIN.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/angry.gif) Me: What did you try this time?
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: 555555
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/wow.gif) Me: That's repeating.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: So NOTHING I set will work?
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/cry2.gif) Me: *sigh* Just make it non-sequential and non-repeating!
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/thwap.gif) Me: Clearly. Look. Try this: 369258.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: Ok.
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) [User hangs up, calls back a minute later]
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: OMG THAT WORKED. (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/computer_punch.gif)
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/knockknock.gif) Me: Good!
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/idiot.gif) User: Why did that one work when none of the others did?
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif)
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/deadhorse.gif)
FTFY. Now with more appropriate avatars.
User: Why did that one work when none of the others did?
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif)
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif) (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif) (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif) (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif) (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif)
-
HECTAR! That's awesome!
-
Me: Is it non-sequential?
User: It's 123456.
Me: I have the same combination on my luggage!
-
So I'm at work just now and my phone just rang. I suspected it was a telemarketer, but they never answer truthfully if you just ask them that, so I made it easier for them to admit it.
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello I am [unintelligible] from [somesort of shady online office supplies store nobody's ever heard of].
Me: *sigh*
Them: I would like to speak to someone who can make purchasing decisions for your IT or support department please.
Me: That would be me.
Them: I would like to introduce you to our--
Me: Hold on there. Are you trying to sell us something?
Them: Well--
Me: What kind of car do you drive?
Them: ...
Them: I would like to introduce you to our--
Me: What kind of car do you drive?
Them: Uh.
Them: Why does--
Me: If you tell me what kind of car you drive, I'll buy what you're selling.
Them: I drive a Toyota.
Me: I lied.
Them: Wait, what--
Me: *click*
-
Another one just a few minutes ago.
(phone rings)
Me: Hello?
Him: Hiya, this is Paul from Cartridge Savers.
Me: Oh.
Him: I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about saving some money on--
Me: Paul.
Him: Uh. Yes?
Me: ...
Him: Yes?
Me: What's the capitol of Missourri?
Him: ...
Him: Uhh... Excuse me?
Me: If you tell me the capitol of Missourri, I'll buy something from you.
Him: Uh.
Him: Hang on.
Me: Take your time.
Him: JEFFERSON CITY!
Me: Ooooooh, I'm sorry.
Him: But it *IS* Jeff--
Me: That answer wasn't in time.
Him: But you said--
Me: Buhbye
*click*
-
I was just on an Information Security conference call (I've taken on the role of Information Security Analyst where I work, so I'm involved in lots of this kind of stuff), specifically to talk about what we're going to need to do if we end up wooing a couple of clients in the medical field.
Coworker: We need to come up with a new data security protocol and propagate it
Coworker: We could make a lot of money doing training/seminars for it
Me: For the medical community?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: What would we call it?
Coworker: Hmm
Coworker: North American Medical Business Licensing Association
Me: NAMBLA? (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/spit.gif)
Me: I think that's already taken... (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/rotf.gif)
-
Did he look like Marlon Brando?
-
Me: Hello, *Blah Blah Blah* How may I help you?
Them: MY SERVER IS DOWN.
Me:*Thinks to self: O RLY? You should fix that....* Ok, are you using outlook express?
Them: WHY IS MY SERVER DOWN?
Me: Ok, let me take a look for you. Are you using outlook express?
Them: I AM USING INTERNET.
Me: Ok. Now when you get your mail do you go to ___________.com or do you use a program?
Them: I USE THE INTERNET. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING?
Me: Yes, I am just gathering information so we can resolve the problem.
Them: OK THEN FIX IT.
Me: Ok. Now can I have you open your email?
Them: NO. I AM ON THE PHONE AND SINCE I HAVE DIAL-UP I CAN'T DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.
Me: Ok, for this part we don't need to connect to the Internet.
Them: OK IT'S OPEN.
Me: Alright.
*45mins of customer's confusion on what is actually happening*
Me: Alright, So all of the account settings are correct. Can I have you try that and give me a call back if it is not working?
Them: WELL I CAN'T BECAUSE I AM TALKING TO YOU.
Me: Alright. Could we end the call, have you try, and then could you give me a call back?
Them: YES. BYE.
Me: Ok, Have a *Customer hangs up* great day...
*Customer calls back*
Them: IT's STILL NOT WORKING! I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
*10 Minutes of calming customer down*
Me: Ok, So when you go to get your email does it make the dial-up sounds?
Them: NO.
Me: Ok, so when it goes to connect do you get an error message?
Them: IT DIDN'T CONNECT.
Me: Did you connect to the Internet?
Them: NO. DO YOU WANT ME TO TRY THAT?
Me: Yes please. If that does not work please let me know.
Them: OK. BYE.
Me: Alright, have a *customer hangs up* great day...
*customer calls back*
Them: THAT WORKED.
Me: Alright, I will update the trouble ticket, If you have any more issues please let me know.
Them: THANKS. *Customer hangs up*
-
(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/elan_dunce.jpg)
-
Jesus.
-
Me: Did you connect to the Internet?
Them: NO. DO YOU WANT ME TO TRY THAT?
I mean, Jesus.
-
At that point I should have driven to their house... and confiscated their computer...
Them: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: Making the world a safer place.
-
At that point I should have driven to their house... and confiscated their computer...
Them: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: Making the world a safer place.
This.
-
At that point I should have driven to their house... and confiscated their computer...
Them: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: Making the world a safer place.
This.
A variation on "This tool will simplify your life".
-
Indeed. I like this new person. He's our kind of scum.
Think we should invite him to the secret forums?
-
Well, let's delete all the crap we said about him first.
-
Well, let's delete all the crap we said about him first.
*Cough* I forgot what we said, could you remind me?
-
Ok... Here's an old one...
Me: Hello, *Blah Blah Blah* How may I help you?
Them: Is there something wrong?
Me: Not that I am aware of, what seems to be the issue?
Them: I cannot connect.
Me: Ok, let me take a look. What is the last name on the account?
Them: Well it's _______.
Me: *looks up name*
Them: But it's probably under __________.
Me: *FACEPALM* *Pulls up other last name* Ok, and what are you using for a username and password?
Them: How should I know? You set it up. (Customers choose their username and password and the account is 10 years old, I technically would have been 9 at that time, how exactly did I choose the username?)
Me: Ok, it should be _________ and ________. What Type of computer do you have Windows or Mac?
Them: I don't know, how would I tell?
Me: What does the desktop look like?
Them: Whats the desktop?
*Restrains self*
Me: It's where all the Icons are...
Them: ...
Me: There should be some small pictures with text under them.
Them: Oh. Ok... There's a picture there.
Me: Ok. Do you have a bar at the bottom?
Them: Yes.
Me: does it have a Start button or a circle with a flag on it on the very left?
Them: No.
Me: Ok, so it's a Mac.
*Goes through dial-up settings*
Me: Ok, that is all correct. Let me see what the modem logs say.
*looks up logs which are FILLED with modem errors*
Me: It looks like the modem is going out.
Them: That's Impossible.
Me: Ok...
Them: This computer cost $2500. Your logs are wrong. The modem isn't going out.
*I get a 'Mac is superior cuz i paid more' lecture*
Me: Alright. Based on the information provided, and the troubleshooting we did, There are two possibilities. One is that the modem is bad, the other option is that there is something wrong between your phone lines and your computer. Unfortunately, we don't do computer repair, but I know a local shop who offers free diagnostics, and *Customer hangs up*
-
We have a customer who frequently comes into the office and requests that we launch a hot air balloon with a 2.4Ghz radio to broadcast wireless internet to him. He has gone as far as drawing up 'schematics'.
-
We have a customer who frequently comes into the office and requests that we launch a hot air balloon with a 2.4Ghz radio to broadcast wireless internet to him. He has gone as far as drawing up 'schematics'.
Actually...
-
Hey TE, when you get to the secret forums, can you try to convince then to let me in?
-
Hey TE, when you get to the secret forums, can you try to convince then to let me in?
Sure. But I will need a few things first. I need a waffle Iron, a turkey baster and and onion. Without these I may not succeed.
-
You can also use an electric griddle instead of the waffle iron if you have to and shallots work too, in a pinch.
-
In fact, in some cases, shallots are preferred.
-
In fact, in some cases, shallots are preferred.
Quite true.
@Wunderkind I agree, it does make the process a tad faster too.
@Min So when can we get started?
-
No dice, I don't want in that badly.
Besides, if I had a waffle iron...I'd be eating waffles right now instead of responding to you.
-
In fact, in some cases, shallots are preferred.
(http://www.blogcdn.com/www.popeater.com/media/2010/11/1289391136348.jpg)
-
*slow clap*
-
This happened awhile ago...
Me: Hello, *blah blah blah* How can I help you?
Them: Why are you guys always down?!
Me: Ok, we are not having any issues at this time, what seems to be happening?
Them: I can't connect, I haven't been able to for 4 days!
Me: Ok, and have you called in and spoken with anyone about this?
Them: NO!
Me: Ok, let me take a look into the radio...
*looks into tower and client gear while making "Alright" "ok" and "hmmm" sounds because people constantly go "ARE YOU STILL THERE?!"*
Them: WELL?
Me: I can connect to the antenna on the outside of you home, but it doesn't see anything connected to it. Do you have a router?
Them: Yes... (In the "Of course I have a router" type of voice)
Me: Ok, could I have you disconnect the power for about 10 seconds?
Them: I ALREADY DID THAT! EVERY TIME I CALL YOU GUYS HAVE ME DO THAT! I WANT YOU TO FIX THIS!
Me: Yes, we do this to make sure that each point in the system is working properly.
*Finally convince him to reboot router, bypass the router and finally identify router as the problem*
Them: NO! IT CANNOT BE THE ROUTER! I JUST BOUGHT THAT 6 MONTHS AGO!
Me: Ok, unfortunately, Everything else is working correctly, and when you bypass the router you can connect to the Internet. With most electronics, the lifespan of the product varies. I have had routers that were broken out of the box, some that lasted years, and some that lasted only a couple of months. If you would like to bring it in I can look at it in person.
*Customer hangs up*
2 days later -- Customer Brings in router, router will not power up.
-
Just had this exchange with a coworker.
Him: So we just bought a wireless baby monitor.
Me: To monitor your wireless babies?
Boss: [just walking by while taking a drink from his water bottle] (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/spit.gif)
-
it's done with mirrors.
-
Just had this exchange with a coworker.
Him: So we just bought a wireless baby monitor.
Me: To monitor your wireless babies?
Boss: [just walking by while taking a drink from his water bottle] (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/spit.gif)
All babies go wireless the minute they cut the umbilical cord.
-
The well hung ones though, still have big pipe.
-
Here is a quick exerpt form Post-It wars on failblog...
http://work.failblog.org/2011/08/05/job-fails-post-it-wars/
Lalah
August 5, 2011 at 09:17
oh, so Nintendo and Super Mario are American?… yeah right, of course an american would think so… the you dont know why the rest of the world think you are dumb.
Reply
Somefins Fishy
August 5, 2011 at 23:20
I love it when people from other countries look at one person and choose to judge a whole country by them. Every country has their idiots, I’m sure yours is the same. I’ll choose to overlook your comment and not deem your country of choice as a bunch of pretentious snobs.
Reply
me
August 10, 2011 at 13:37
The rest of the world doesn’t pretend their country is the center of the known universe, though. Too many Americans do. Note that I didn’t say “most” or “all”, only “too many”, because in my book, 1 is too many. When are you guys pulling out of the Middle East, where you clearly have no business to be?
Reply
Claire
August 14, 2011 at 15:29
Actually they do. It’s called ethnocentrism.
Reply
santiveron
August 17, 2011 at 05:57
plus, it’s easy to be like that when you know nothing from the outside world. we all watch american movies, but americans watch american movies. etcetera
Reply
M Mouse
August 26, 2011 at 04:11
yeah… u’r in the middle east too dumbass – Libya sound familiar?
Reply
C Cat
August 29, 2011 at 00:34
OMFGLMAO! No one except the US would even consider calling Libya part of the Middle East. At least not until the US forced the term “Greater Middle East” upon the rest of the world a couple of years ago.
Reply
Shmi
September 25, 2011 at 09:09
I bet the Fox would =D
Reply
Favo
September 24, 2011 at 12:33
That’s where the americans SHOULD be. That’s where they need their help (Too bad there’s not enough petrol there as in the middle east!).
Reply
Arrogant and proud
September 1, 2011 at 18:58
If I fly a few planes into major buildings of your country and kill a few thousand of your citizens, I’ll make sure to remind your country they clearly have no business attacking me. Seriously think before you type, because in MY book, 1 ignorant person is too many.
Reply
Commenteur
September 3, 2011 at 14:13
Anders Brievik is a Norwegian and bombed Oslo and committed the massacre on Utoya. Should Norway declare war on itself?
Inb4 reductio ad abdsurdum.
Reply
Arrogant and proud
September 3, 2011 at 15:50
They should exact justice on Anders Brievik, like we are exacting justice with the deaths of Osama Bin Laden and a few other Al Qaeda people.
Reply
Bartonar
September 26, 2011 at 21:10
dont you know that America funded Osama bin Laden to fight the Russians? It’s little known (in government disfavour) history that Osama was given money by the US during the cold war so he could keep russia out of the middle east. Maybe if america wasnt being so self-important, he would have never happened
Reply
edwards
September 28, 2011 at 07:49
I think that fact is widely known, its just the people who know it for some reason think they are in on a little secret that no one else is aware of
Reply
Favo
September 24, 2011 at 12:35
Think like this. Bin Laden bombed the WTC
Reply
Favo
September 24, 2011 at 12:38
Bin Laden fly some planes and kill two thousand people in the US. US declare war with the middle east. US drops a bomb at Japan and kill a few 200.000+ people AND as a bonus turn that area radioactive. Japan can’t do nothing. YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN THAT.
Reply
Malfean
September 26, 2011 at 16:40
Japan first flew some planes into Pearl Harbor. Moral of the story: don’t fly planes into our stuff. Bad things happen.
Reply
Ooarashi
September 28, 2011 at 09:46
The Japanese military (not a proper representation of all peoples of Japan) executed an attack on a country that wasn’t participating in the ongoing war at that time. The attack on Pearl Harbor forced the US to get involved in the war.
In response, the US executed two horrific bombings on Japan to stop the Japanese involvement in the war… and it did so at great cost. A cost of many innocent Japanese lives.
The war in the “Middle East” was started by someone the US government funded without the knowledge or approval of the US citizens.
My point here is all of our various governments do crap behind our backs that get us in trouble and the loud mouthed, bigoted, raciest, arrogant, extremist, and xenophobic people of the world do not speak for everyone.
Reply
zd
October 1, 2011 at 00:09
I like toast
Reply
Hannah
October 2, 2011 at 08:48
This is my favourite. by far. :D
Reply
Placeholder
October 4, 2011 at 13:49
The bombs were dropped because an invasion would have cost many, many more lives. The Japanese had programs to arm schoolchildren with automatic weapons and grenades in preparation.
Approximate Allied casualties- on the conservative side- would have been in excess of a million dead. Not counting wounded. Had mainland Japan been invaded.
That also doesn’t count Japanese military dead, or Japanese Civilian dead.
This also came at the end of a long, ugly war, and a host of atrocities. (look up Unit 731.)
If the bombs hadn’t dropped, there would have been a good several more years.
Cheers.
Reply
Angry_Russian
October 9, 2011 at 08:42
The war would have lasted for only several more months. The Soviet Union had already begun to invade several Japanese islands; if there was an invasion of mainland Japan, a multi-pronged invasion from all the allies would have decimated Japan. Japan really doesn’t have too much territory. It would cost 250,000 Allied casualties tops. A great deal more for Japanese, but w/e.
I love the "japan first flew some planes into Pearl Harbor. Moral of the story: don’t fly planes into our stuff. Bad things happen." part...
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That thread got so close to mentioning Nazi's I think we should just go ahead and call Godwin's Law on it.
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That thread got so close to mentioning Nazi's I think we should just go ahead and call Godwin's Law on it.
Lol... I didn't go very far into the comments, so it probably did turn out having nazi's in it.
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Enrique: Wow, you must have had a bad day. You're as happy to see me as you would be to see your dentist!
Me: My dentist is kind of cute. I don't mind seeing him.
File that under "W" for WRONG THING TO SAY.
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If your dentist looks like John, he might get jealous....
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I don't get it.
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Ponch's partner on CHIPS.
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Ohhhhhh. Haha! Good one. Too bad I'm too slow sometimes.
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It's called Mommy-Brain. Dealing with kids does that to even the best of us.
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I overheard this conversation this afternoon. :)
Coworker: What's the username for the $app account?
Programmer: Username?
Coworker: Right. The username.
Programmer: Username.
Coworker: Right.
Programmer: Okay.
Coworker: ...
Coworker: So... the username.
Programmer: Huh?
Coworker: What's the username for the $app account?
Programmer: USERNAME?
Coworker: YES.
Programmer: THE USERNAME IS 'USERNAME'.
Coworker: ...
Coworker: Oh.
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/rotf.gif)
Coworker #1: :(
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I overheard this conversation this afternoon. :)
Coworker: What's the username for the $app account?
Programmer: Username?
Coworker: Right. The username.
Programmer: Username.
Coworker: Right.
Programmer: Okay.
Coworker: ...
Coworker: So... the username.
Programmer: Huh?
Coworker: What's the username for the $app account?
Programmer: USERNAME?
Coworker: YES.
Programmer: THE USERNAME IS 'USERNAME'.
Coworker: ...
Coworker: Oh.
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/rotf.gif)
Coworker #1: :(
Back in the olden days I liked to periodically change the supervisor account password to things like "pissoff", "noneofyourdamnbusiness", "howthehellshouldiknow", "iforget", etc., and wait for one of my co-admins to ask me what the new password was.
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That reminds me of my angrily-made Game Center username . . .
(http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c328/squirelmasta772/photo-3.jpg)
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Always have a backdoor just in case. For that make the password goatse.
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User: I can't log onto my computer. It says that this workstation is locked by Pete and only Pete or an Administrator can unlock it.
Me: I'm kind of in the middle of some stuff right now, but you can fix this yourself by rebooting.
User: I already did.
Me: ...
Me: No, because if you rebooted, it wouldn't be locked by Pete anymore. You'd be able to log in. :roll:
User: I already rebooted it, and it came back up to the same thing.
Me: But--
User: I really need to get logged in.
Me: Fine, I'll be over there in a minute.
Me: *walks all the way over to the shipping department*
Me: *powers down User's computer*
Me: *powers it back up again*
Me: There you go.
User: OMG THAT DIDN'T WORK WHEN I TRIED IT.
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/huh2.gif)
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And they just keep coming.
Account Manager: Hey, is it all right for me to submit an SFTP setup request for this new customer way in advance, even though they won't be needing it for a few weeks?
Me: Not only is it all right, but that's the way it SHOULD be done. We like lots of lead time on things like that. Especially if they won't actually be using it for a few weeks.
Account Manager: Great! I'll submit a ticket for it then.
Me: Cool, thanks.
[10 minutes later]
Account Manager: *submits an "Urgent" ticket for this setup*
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif)
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Heh. This happened right before lunch today.
Coworker: *sigh* Well, I guess I should get around to shredding all the CDs on this list
Me: Because it's technically customer data, make sure you destroy the list too
Coworker: Oh yeah, good point. Thanks for reminding me.
Coworker: *shreds list*
Coworker: :-o
Me: Did... you... just...
Coworker: Whoops. I probably should have destroyed the list last, huh.
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Me: What Operating system are you running? Windows or Mac?
Them: Windows.
Me: Ok, in the lower left hand corner can you click on the start button?
Them: Start button? I don't see one.
Me: Ok, There should be a circle with a flag in it or a green bar that says start.
Them: No, I don't see it.
Me: ok, can I have you open your Internet explorer.
Them: Ok, so... I click on the start button and... ok, It's open.
Me: :?
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Me: Hey Mother, you using the internet?
Mother: No, why?
Me: My computer's missing a proprietary driver I need in order to connect to the wireless, so I'm going to plug this *holds up cord* into the computer, but that will take your internet away for a few minutes while I download. Is that okay? (I started off strong but then remembered who I was talking to, so calmed it down a little towards the end there.)
Mother: Yeah, yeah, whatever. (She doesn't usually listen when I start talking about computers.)
Me: (Plugged up, downloadin' drivers n' shit like no other.)
Mother: Hey, why won't my email load?
Me: ...
Mother: Come on, fix it!
Me: ...
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So I have a traditional IRA with Primerica. It's where I've rolled all of my miscellaneous retirement plan orphans from former employers and other similar work catastrophe shrapnel so that it can actually make me some money.
Recently, because I'm not getting any younger, it seemed a prudent choice to convert it into a Roth IRA (and pay the taxes on it so that I never have to once I'm drawing on it assuming I ever get to retire). This is how this went, figuratively.
Me: *fills out the paperwork to convert the traditional IRA to a Roth IRA, specified to withhold 25% of it so that state and federal taxes are covered*
Primerica: Done! Here's your statement!
Me: Uh. This is a total value of $14,000+. You can't possibly tell me that from December 2011 to January 2012 my little portfolio made $3500+ in gains after the 25% withholding I know you made.
Primerica: 25 what now?
Me: Line 24 of the conversion form. It says "Withholding: 25%".
Primerica: lolwut
Me: You didn't withhold anything?
Primerica: Oh yeah, it says 25%, huh?
Me: Yes. Yes it does.
Primerica: Whoops. Nope, we didn't do any shit like that.
Me: ....
Me: So. Fix this.
Primerica: lolwut
Me: It's on the form. I did everything correctly. You didn't follow instructions. Fix it. Immediately.
Primerica: No way dude. We already reported to the IRS the distribution of $14,000 for you as income in 2011.
Me: ...
Me: What? (http://guildhaven.org/images/smilies/huh2.gif)
Primerica: Yup. Sorry. Our bad.
Me: That's.... going to fuck us for taxes. You realize that the IRS is going to be wanting a big chunk of that, right?
Primerica: lolwut
Me: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/banghead.gif)
Me: Then you need to fix this. Withhold after-the-fact and send a correction to the IRS.
Primerica: LOL
Primerica: No can do, man! Sorry. We fucked up. But we're not going to lift a finger to fix this.
Me: I beg to differ.
Primerica: You whatnow?
Me: FUCKING FIX THIS.
Primerica: why u mad bro?
Me: Because when tax time comes around, I won't have $3,500 to send to Uncle Fucking Sam, that's why! (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/mad.gif)
Primerica: LOL! Yeah. Sorry about that. Our bad.
Me: I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO.
Me: *proceeds to rip this idiot a new one*
Primerica: (http://www.guildhaven.org/images/smilies/scared_hiding.gif)
Primerica: Jesus. Okay, okay. Fine. Just stop yelling at me. There's no way you could know my personal habits, but I'll admit, you guessed correctly on at least three or four of those.
Me: So. Ball's in your court. What are you fucking morons going to do to fix this?
Primerica: Uh. Well, we need to put our brains together, because by pooling them we can form a collective intelligence with an IQ of roughly 90, and that's what we need at this point.
Me: And?
Primerica: We'll call you back.
Me: When?
Primerica: Huh?
Me: When will you call me back?
Primerica: LOL! You got us. We weren't actually going to. But since you're cornering us like that... uhhhhhhhhhhh.... how about tomorrow after 6pm your time?
Me: Excellent. And in case you don't?
Primerica: Well here's my phone number. 508---
Me: I don't need your phone number. I need your manager's. If you don't call me back when you say you will, I have no further need of you.
Primerica: Oh. Shit. Okay, here's my manager's direct number...
Me: Thank you.
So, today, dipshit actually called me back shortly after 6pm. :-o
Primerica: LOL I AM CALLING YUO!!!!!
Me: Congratulations. You mastered the art of winning my trust. Have you fixed the mess you made yet?
Primerica: Well..... no.
Me: Wrong answer.
Primerica: We can't send a correction to the IRS.
Me: Bullshit. It happens all the time. In fact, I have had employers do it when they misreported payroll. I know a major financial institution like Primerica can manage a simple "Whoops, our bad, we meant this...."
Primerica: No, we're too fucking stupid to manage something as complicated as that thing small businesses do all the time.
Me: Well then we're stuck. You fucked this up, and you're fixing it.
Primerica: Welllll..... we can send you a check out of your balance for the 25%. Then you can set it aside and send it to the IRS when you do your taxes.
Me: Aaaaaaand you won't charge me a big fucking penalty for withdrawing $3,500 from my portfolio? And you won't report this distribution to the IRS as additional income for 2012?
Primerica: LOL NO! BIG WORDS, ME NOT UNDERSTAND
Me: Sure. Well, assuming you aren't just lying to my face, that is an acceptable solution.
Somehow I doubt they'll manage something as simple as cutting a check for a set dollar amount. But hey. I didn't think the idiot would actually call me back, either. So who knows?
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Boss: So, how do you feel now that you've talked to Bob? (NOTE: Bob is an alias for my boss' boss...my 2nd level manager)
ME: Um...dirty.
Boss: *laughs uncomfortably* Did you say 'dirty'?
ME: Yep.
Boss:......
ME: I hung up the phone, sat there for a bit feeling dirty and mildly used, then I went for the ice cream. The ice cream didn't help, so now I'm planning a Silkwood Scrubdown in the shower in a little while.
Boss: *laughs uncomfortably again* Um, this really isn't a good thing...the way you're feeling.
ME: Gee, you think?
:w:
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I am an SFTP administrator where I work, and we have an automated process that watches upload directories, and automatically moves files that customers upload to the appropriate directory on our Data Processing servers.
Sometimes this breaks, and the files won't get moved automatically, and require a restart of the services that handle this.
Anyway, this happened today.
Account Manager: Hey, I got an email notification that said that ABC Company uploaded a data file this morning, but Data Processing says they still haven't received it.
Me: Ah. Let me check.
Me: Yup. Looks like the file is still on the SFTP server. I'll see if things have broken in the automated file moving side... Yup. There we go.
Account Manager: So it's there?
Me: It's running now.... okay, looks like it moved the file. It should be fine now.
Account Manager: Cool. Thanks!
Me: No problem.
[20 minutes later]
Data Processing: Hey, we still haven't received $file from ABC Company. Can you check on that?
Me: :?
Me: Uh. I just fixed that like 20 minutes ago. Have you checked more recently than that?
Data Processing: OF COURSE I HAVE AND THE FILE IS NOT THERE I JUST CHECKED.
Me: *checks*
Me: Um. The file is on the Data Processing server. It got moved there 20 minutes ago when I fixed this.
Data Processing: HURR NO IT DIDN'T IT WASN'T THERE WHEN I JUST CHECKED BUT NOW IT IS SO LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.
Me: :roll:
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