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Author Topic: Pick Me Up, Pick Up Truck  (Read 5749 times)

Chris

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Pick Me Up, Pick Up Truck
« on: May 19, 2008, 03:19:32 PM »

URL: http://www.gotthegeek.com/content/view/211/1/

It's hard for me to believe that I've been out of the state of New Jersey in which I grew up in for more than a year now. It seems like just yesterday I had to say goodbye to my entire life, and it seems like I've been away from myself for an eternity, but that just makes me sound emo, and no one likes people who are emo.

In the past year I have come to realize that Pennsylvania and New Jersey are quite different for several reasons including the population density of towns and cities, the amount of noise pollution outside of my house, the average level of education children receive (Or don't receive, depending on how you look at it), as well as the types of cars that people drive.

After a year of living in The Keystone State (Which is Pennsylvania for those of you who don't know or who just don't know all 50 states in the country in which you live) I've come to the startling realization that almost everyone here in Northampton County in eastern Pennsylvania owns at least one pickup truck - if not more - even if they have no reason to own one at all which includes not holding a valid driver's license. It's almost as if you're not a fully established citizen until you own a pickup truck. I refuse to drive one for the simple fact that I have no use for one - just like almost everyone else that owns one.

Just as how the Centurion credit card from American Express is a status symbol that you're super rich and deserve to have your ass wiped for you with sheets of gold by another rich man, a pickup truck that requires a ladder to enter, and is audible for miles away symbolizes that you're an uber redneck and you mean business. From the Ford F150 (Which doubles as the family car of choice in eastern Pennsylvania) to the Twin Turbo Super Duper Crew Cab Powered by Jet Engines Pickup from Dodge that can haul three dozen hogs, each pickup symbolizes some form of status in the subculture here in Eastern Pennsylvania, and I think I'm just starting to get it down after a year of careful observation.

Ford F150
The F150 is the longest running series of pickups offered by Ford, and just about any other auto maker in the world for that matter - it's like the Honda Civic of pick up trucks. The Ford F150 is an average truck for average to semi-average people. By average truck, I mean that it can haul about a dozen mules, (Which equates to about ten hogs), it's audible for only about 600 feet given its modest size and stock touring tires, and can seat up to 4 people (10 if you're Hispanic) if you decide to go with the extended cab version. Average to semi-average people implies that people who own an F150 most likely have about two acres of land, own just one pick up truck, 8 hogs, and have some degree of college education since they didn't waste all of their money on a pick up truck.

Extra red neck points are awarded to those who decide to lift the truck by 6 inches or more, install a mammoth tow hitch or a plow boom, or those who add blinding fog lights that are left on even during day time driving in an effort to force oncoming traffic into a ditch because they lose sight of the road.

Chevy Silverado 2500 HD
The Chevy Silverado 2500HD is a step up from the Ford F150 in the sense that it costs more, is slightly larger, can haul more cargo (hogs), and most importantly, it makes you look like an even bigger red neck than the F150. With the base model of the Silverado 2500HD boasting an impressive fuel-hungry 6.0L V8 engine that will keep your pockets hungry for more money along with dual glove compartments, it's sure to get the attention of your neighbors who have an inferior SUV or even worse, a four door sedan.

Because of the size difference between the Silverado and the F150 as well as the price difference, the Silverado earns you more red neck points because it shows that you're pretty serious about your commitment to keeping the red neck tradition going in eastern Pennsylvania.

Think of it this way, just imagine the size of the Confederate flag that you can hang from the back of the 2500HD - your friends will be green with envy since your truck is bigger and better than theirs.

Dodge Ram 3500
Dodge is to pick ups as Intel is to computers - they're everywhere. The Ram series of pick ups is quite possibly the pick up of choice here in eastern Pennsylvania. The Dodge Ram 3500 is especially growing in popularity thanks in part to trucks going for cheaper prices due to high fuel prices. One would think that high fuel prices would actually make people think twice about getting such a fuel inefficient truck as the Ram 3500, but instead of thinking even one time, they don't think at all.

Ram owners can earn more red neck points by installing an after market exhaust system that comes up through the bed of the truck just behind the cab. This after market exhaust system allows the truck to be audible for just over a mile which is what you want if you've got red neck in your blood. If you go with the after market exhaust system, be sure to have the Confederate flag displayed somewhere on the exterior of your truck.

The Ram 3500 is a symbol that you've got what it takes to be an all out red neck. You've got a large piece of property with a stable somewhere on it, two dozen hogs, two dogs to round up the hogs, and a wife who has a smile that looks like an abandoned factory with two lights left on.

Ford F450
Before doing some research, I didn't realize that some people driving those ridiculous-sized pickups were driving around Ford F450s. I thought that the F350 was as high as the F-series went, however in 2008 Ford decided to up-the-anti to celebrate rising fuel prices by producing an even less fuel efficient truck than the F350. With an impressive 8.2 miles per gallon on average (When factoring in both highway and city mileage) the F450 is truly a red neck mobile.

The F450 can tow up to 24,000 pounds, which means that you can possibly tow your trailer home to and from the brick yard without having to actually leave home. It brings a new meaning to working from home. This truck is a great option for brick yard managers who believe that they haul bricks to and from work, thus they need to get an F450 for personal use on the weekends to drive around like a four door sedan.

It's not possible to gain anymore red neck points since the F450 is the ultimate red neck mobile. Any modifications would detract from its red neck appeal. The only modification that could be done to this truck is painting a Confederate flag onto the hood to ensure that everyone knows you're as red neck as they come.

Lincoln Mark Series 4x4
The Mark Series of pick up trucks from Lincoln are the Bentleys of pick ups. Though I have yet to see anyone here in Northampton County drive one simply because brick laying doesn't pay enough to make the monthly payments required to own such a fine automobile, the amount of red neck points you would earn from owning one would be astronomical - almost as much as the Ford F450 earns you. If indeed there is someone in eastern Pennsylvania who owns one, they most likely don't have a house or clothing as a result of their absurd purchase.

Don't be fooled by the looks of this pick up from Lincoln. It still packs a punch with lots of power, lots of features, and of course the name to go along with the truck. Lincoln (Ford) has done a great job in terms of maximizing revenue by designing a pick up truck that appeals to red necks, as well as city goers who want the prestige of owning such a fine automobile.
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sociald1077

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Re: Pick Me Up, Pick Up Truck
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2008, 04:55:32 PM »

I have a '79 F-150.

But my 2001 mazda gets much better gas mileage and overall better chicks.
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"Guns don't kill people! PHYSICS kill people!" - Dick Soloman

ydnamtnediserp

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Re: Pick Me Up, Pick Up Truck
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2008, 08:04:42 PM »

it must be a whole different world up there. don't get me wrong- we have our share of truck-driving rednecks here, too, but i personally know very few people who actually own a truck. it's not something i really think about until i'm in need of a friend with one (for taking shit to the dump or picking up furniture, for example) and can't find anybody. clearly, i just live in the wrong part of pa.
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