Topic: Mormons (Read 5160 times)

HeavyJay · « **on:** November 23, 2003, 09:52:13 AM »

Oh, those silly Mormons.

Whilst sitting on a bench yesterday with my good pal Brian, a few nice, young Mormon broads walked up to us. I recognized them right off the bat; they rang my doorbell every now and again trying to "spread the light of God." If they were anything other than Jesus freaks, I reasoned at the time, it would've been a great start to a porno movie. "Hello," they began, "We're from the local Mormon chapel. Have you heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?" "No shit," Brian replied scathingly, "It's followers only come to my house every other week."

The Jesus-sheep ignored his comment and kept on a-preachin'. Now, it was about this time that I started to thinkin'. Why would two young, unarmed Mormon girls be passing on the word of Cheez-Its to two morbidly obese teenage boys on a dark street corner? I'll never figure that one out for the life of me.

After several insults and "sorry, we're not interested"s, they still wouldn't leave us be. My ass was gettng a bit numb (my brain was as well), so I politely excused myself and crossed the street to the Krauzer's market. There I bought a cup of coffee and a couple porn mags, which I brought back across the street with me. I took a sip of my coffee, casually lit a cigarette, and pulled the pr0n out of it's brown paper bag. You should've seen these broads high-tail it. Apparently, the combination of caffeine, smoke from a Lucky Strike blown in their faces, and "Hey, Brian, get a look at the knockers on THIS bitch!" was enough to drive them away. Like garlic to a vampire...

Now, these ladies frequent my apartment complex. How would YOU deal with them? I want to have my fun, but not drive them away permanently.

Frozen Shade · « **Reply #1 on:** November 23, 2003, 11:24:03 AM »

When they're there next, walk out in nothing but a bath robe and ask them if they could help you decide on which pr0n magazine you should read on the can.

phyre · « **Reply #2 on:** November 23, 2003, 12:04:42 PM »

I've taken to saying "I'm sorry. Have a nice day." If that doesn't lose them, then I can feel free to tear into them. Haven't had the opportunity yet, though.

pseudonymph · « **Reply #3 on:** November 23, 2003, 06:56:25 PM »

I like the nekked idea.

HeavyJay · « **Reply #4 on:** November 23, 2003, 08:24:29 PM »

I was tempted to ask whether or not they'd give me a free toaster for signing up.

phyre · « **Reply #5 on:** November 23, 2003, 11:02:16 PM »

Quote from: pseudonymph

I like the nekked idea.

Heh. You would.

biggyfred · « **Reply #6 on:** November 24, 2003, 12:31:46 AM »

I used to be able to see em comin at my old apartment. They'd park at the other end of the complex and work their way down. About the time they should show up, I'd get naked, put on Operation Ivy loud as hell, and mosh my living room to pieces. They'd knock, I'd answer, they'd see a naked man huffing and puffing and sweating, with the living room ripped to shreds and vicious 2 chord songs raging in the background. They'd turn right back around and leave without speaking.

Got em about 3 or 4 times before they remembered and didn't come back.

Works on all denominations, not just mormons. Works on most upright mammals, now that I think about it.

Frozen Shade · « **Reply #7 on:** November 24, 2003, 06:10:19 PM »

Quote from: biggyfred

I used to be able to see em comin at my old apartment. They'd park at the other end of the complex and work their way down. About the time they should show up, I'd get naked, put on Operation Ivy loud as hell, and mosh my living room to pieces. They'd knock, I'd answer, they'd see a naked man huffing and puffing and sweating, with the living room ripped to shreds and vicious 2 chord songs raging in the background. They'd turn right back around and leave without speaking.

Got em about 3 or 4 times before they remembered and didn't come back.

Works on all denominations, not just mormons. Works on most upright mammals, now that I think about it.

YOU Sir, are my idol!

Anonymous · « **Reply #8 on:** November 24, 2003, 07:55:03 PM »

I'm lucky, I don't really have to deal with them. I've seen them maybe 4 times since I've lived in this house, which has been over 12 years now. Maybe they all moved by you guys. Something tells me they'll be coming my way since they know how sick you guys all are.

Personally, I just get a lot of emails about meeting other Christain singles in my area. I don't understand how they know I'm a Christain, and not a Scientologist.

Dark Shade · « **Reply #9 on:** November 25, 2003, 01:10:33 AM »

I get the occasional Mormon, but they've stopped bothering me now, thankfully. Didn't use any real tactic to drive them away, I took a little newsletter, and they've never come back.

pseudonymph · « **Reply #10 on:** November 25, 2003, 09:12:20 AM »

Quote from: phyre

Quote from: pseudonymph
I like the nekked idea.
Heh. You would.

evaday should be nekked day!

Law · « **Reply #11 on:** November 25, 2003, 09:59:43 AM »

I've never had a Mormon, JW, etc. come to my house. If they accost me of the street or the subway I wait until the offer to "give" me the Book of Mormon and then explain (in a loud voice) that I can't read and thank them very much for making me feel worse about myself that I can't even participate in religion properly.

This will generally flumox them enough to make them go away.

Or I ask if "I join, do I get to see the Golden Plates?!? Can I go to the secret parts of the Tabernacle? Cause that would be sooooo cool and then I could write a book and such..."

This does not go over well.

Anonymous · « **Reply #12 on:** November 25, 2003, 11:00:42 AM »

Had JW once. I invited them into my house with arms wide open and proceeded to a interogation that led them to question their own beleifs. Then my work was done.

pseudonymph · « **Reply #13 on:** November 25, 2003, 11:09:11 AM »

My mom is a JW, she kinda got tiffed when she saw my stricker on the door:

phyre · « **Reply #14 on:** November 25, 2003, 11:22:50 AM »

My friend Lee held a discussion with a couple of JW's over the course of several weeks one time. He's more religious than they were- and very self-educated. If he had spent the time he spends studying the bible in a college he'd have multiple doctorates.

Anyways, he sat them down the day they came over and started questioning every single statement they made, and with comebacks. I happened to be around at the time and could just barely keep from laughing and telling them to quit while they were ahead. It ended with him giving them a list of questions to take back to their elders (points he made that they couldn't refute), and telling them to come back with the elders answers. They came back alright, to let him know that the elders determined that his questions didn't need to be answered, and that he was just trying to get them onto the "wrong path", or some bullshit that basically meant that they didn't know enough about their OWN religion to support it.

Yet another reason I'm agnostic.

Demosthenes · « **Reply #15 on:** November 25, 2003, 11:48:25 AM »

I'd be agnostic too, but I just don't know about that viewpoint....

Min · « **Reply #16 on:** November 25, 2003, 11:58:12 AM »

Quote from: phyre

My friend Lee held a discussion with a couple of JW's over the course of several weeks one time...

Heh heh. Yup, that's my step-dad.

He'd probably have a good coversation with Demo. So totally logical, he is. I've thought a few times about inviting him to HN to take part in some of the discussions.

Then I thought better of it.

Demosthenes · « **Reply #17 on:** November 25, 2003, 12:24:55 PM »

Like everything else, it would just degenerate into OMFGLOL!!1 STFU J00 ST00P1D N00B!!111 after a few posts.

phyre · « **Reply #18 on:** November 25, 2003, 02:06:23 PM »

Quote from: Demosthenes

I'd be agnostic too, but I just don't know about that viewpoint....

Neither do we. That's the point.

Quote from: Detta

Quote from: phyre
My friend Lee held a discussion with a couple of JW's over the course of several weeks one time...

Heh heh. Yup, that's my step-dad.

He'd probably have a good coversation with Demo. So totally logical, he is. I've thought a few times about inviting him to HN to take part in some of the discussions.

Then I thought better of it.

He'd never go for it. It's all anyone can do to get him to use email. Nevermind a discussion forum... now, I can see him setting up a forum for all his religious peeps... I might suggest that, actually, for him to use in conjunction with this new software he released...

Oh, and Demo... Lee's fifty. I don't think I could persuade him to use LOL if I held a gun to his head.

Demosthenes · « **Reply #19 on:** November 25, 2003, 02:37:24 PM »

Quote from: phyre

Oh, and Demo... Lee's fifty. I don't think I could persuade him to use LOL if I held a gun to his head.

I didn't mean him....

Anonymous · « **Reply #20 on:** November 25, 2003, 02:44:16 PM »

Quote from: Dark Shade

I get the occasional Mormon, but they've stopped bothering me now, thankfully. Didn't use any real tactic to drive them away, I took a little newsletter, and they've never come back.

You took a newsletter from them and they never came back? Tell me where you live, I want to move there.

If you take a newsletter from them here, you're screwed. They see that as you taking interest in them and will make many follow up visits to bother you even more.

hackess · « **Reply #21 on:** November 25, 2003, 03:54:56 PM »

I dated a Jehovah's Witness once. He spent many an afternoon rambling at me about being saved (this is when I was still calling myself Catholic!!). I'm amazed that relationship lasted the three months it did.

There is nothing scarier than a religious zealot.

pseudonymph · « **Reply #22 on:** November 25, 2003, 04:23:35 PM »

http://smartasschronicles.com/?strip_id=3

biggyfred · « **Reply #23 on:** November 25, 2003, 06:46:36 PM »

I'm an agnostic zealot.

Dark Shade · « **Reply #24 on:** November 25, 2003, 10:54:51 PM »

Quote from: Chris

Quote from: Dark Shade
I get the occasional Mormon, but they've stopped bothering me now, thankfully. Didn't use any real tactic to drive them away, I took a little newsletter, and they've never come back.

You took a newsletter from them and they never came back? Tell me where you live, I want to move there.

If you take a newsletter from them here, you're screwed. They see that as you taking interest in them and will make many follow up visits to bother you even more.

I was just as surprised as you. I thought for sure they'd be back, ringing my door. But there's been nothing for the past 4 years.

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