Topic: Joke of the day (Read 32872 times)

Anonymous · « **Reply #50 on:** February 26, 2003, 02:56:06 PM »

Arrrgggg! The pain! The pain! Save me from this torture!

Rotgut, if you really have to share your "art", could you at least stick to one per day? PLEASE!!!! I can feel my life force weakening whenever I read your jokes. Do you want to be responsible for my death?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Written by Rotgut
Sponsored by The Judge
Endorsed by Jon
Used as a door stopper by many others

The critics say:

"After reading the first chapter, I tried to shoot myself. Thank God, in the confusion, I forgot to load the shotgun" - anonymous

"It will cause severe depression" - National College of Psychology

"Crap does not even come close to describe it" - The New York Times

"The publisher must have been on drugs" - American Collection Agency

"I will give a free copy of this book to all who oppose me!" Sadam Hussein

"Oh! It's a joke! OH! I get it! bahahhahahaha! Mmmmm Donuts..." - Homer Simpson

Jon · « **Reply #51 on:** February 26, 2003, 07:07:40 PM »

Ha, now those were actually pretty good.

rotgut · « **Reply #52 on:** February 27, 2003, 01:20:03 PM »

A Panda Bear went into a bar and ordered a meal, and when he had finished it he promptly got up, pulled out a gun and shot everyone in the bar, before calmly walking out ! When the police arrived the injured bar proprietor said that it was no surprise, because a Panda always "Eats, Shoots and Leaves"!

Anonymous · « **Reply #53 on:** February 27, 2003, 02:14:31 PM »

Rotgut, I need all of your attention here: Tonight they are showing a special show of American Idole. The best and the worst of American Idole. WATCH IT.

Pay very close attention to the last act they will be showing, the guy who sings "like a virgin" by madona. Now listen carefully to the comments Simon will give. Are you with me so far? Good!

Now, pretend you are on "Joke Teller Idole". Take the exact same lecture Simon gave to the madona wanna be guy. Any refferences pertaining to "music" change to "jokes". Re read it. Now, even the great Simon just told you to quit. He will tell you that yuou have no talent and no future in the joke industry. Telling another joke would be a crime. Listen to Simon because apparently my hints are not getting through.

Post back here tomorow and let us know how your "joke audition" turned out!

rotgut · « **Reply #54 on:** February 27, 2003, 02:55:13 PM »

Hi Judge!

Thanks for the info about the T.V.programme called "American Idole".

The problem is it's 8.pm already, so what time does it start?

The other problem is I've looked through all the T.V.listings for tonight and cannot find which channel it's on - Is it BBC 1, 2, ITV 1, Channel4 or Channel5?, or is it on one of the digital channels?

As for the jokes - I guess you've heard the expression "freedom of speech"?

I hope to be back with more jokes soon!

Anonymous · « **Reply #55 on:** February 27, 2003, 03:18:10 PM »

it's on FOX. I think it's at 7:00 Central time.

rotgut · « **Reply #56 on:** February 27, 2003, 03:37:17 PM »

What is the Fox channel?

I cannot get this channel and have never heard of it, Sorry!

snyperx · « **Reply #57 on:** February 27, 2003, 03:39:13 PM »

Where do you live, Rotgut?

Binoboy · « **Reply #58 on:** February 27, 2003, 04:00:44 PM »

Just think back to when Pop Idol was on. Pick the judge who was the biggest @$$**** and pretend you were telling jokes to him. That's what Judge was trying to imply, heh.

MISTER MASSACRE · « **Reply #59 on:** February 28, 2003, 01:14:13 PM »

British? I say!

rotgut · « **Reply #60 on:** February 28, 2003, 01:31:21 PM »

Where do I live? - United Kingdom - Now on with today's joke!

God forms Adam, and tells him to obey his instructions.

First, he tells Adam to go over the hill - "What's a hill" asks Adam"?, so God explains.

Then God tells Adam to go through the valley - "What's a valley" asks Adam"?, so God explains what a valley is to Adam.

God then tells Adam to enter a big cave - "What's a cave" asks Adam"?, so once again God has to explain.

God then says to Adam "Inside that cave is a woman" - "What's a woman" asks Adam"?, so God tells him what a woman is.

God then tells Adam to reproduce with the woman - "What does reproduce mean"? asks Adam - God duly explains.

God then leaves adam to it.

After a few minutes of shouting and screaming inside the cave Adam runs out of the cave, back through the valley and over the hill until he meets with God again.

"Well", God said "did you reproduce with the woman"? - Adam then said "can you tell me what a headache is"?

Binoboy · « **Reply #61 on:** March 01, 2003, 12:21:53 AM »

Quote from: rotgut

Where do I live? - United Kingdom - Now on with today's joke!

NO NO NO!!! TELL IT TO SIMON! TTTTEEELLL IIITTT TTTOOOO SSSIIIMMMOOONNN!!!!!!!!!!

rotgut · « **Reply #62 on:** March 02, 2003, 08:10:31 AM »

Never fear - Rotgut is here! Today's joke is:-

2 Italian guys were travelling on a public bus, and one was saying to the other "First Emma come, then I come, then a couple of ass's come together, then I come again, then we have a couple of ass's coming yet again, followed by I coming again, then we have a couple of pees and then finally I come again"

An elderly lady sitting behind the 2 Italians then starts to hit the Italian Guys with her handbag indignantly - "How dare you talk so explicitly about your sex life in public" she raged.

With that, the Italian guy pleads with her quite innocently "Who tal'ka about da sex life?, I just trying to explain to my friend how to spell Mississippi"!

Banshee · « **Reply #63 on:** March 02, 2003, 11:58:25 AM »

I will never, ever, for the rest of my life, enter a thread called "Joke of the Day."

Enough said.

Binoboy · « **Reply #64 on:** March 02, 2003, 12:36:29 PM »

Quote from: Banshee

I will never, ever, for the rest of my life, enter a thread called "Joke of the Day."

Enough said.

Damn you, Banshee. DAAAAMMNNN YOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!

rotgut · « **Reply #65 on:** March 03, 2003, 01:23:36 PM »

Rotgut's Joke of the Day:-

A girl joins a protest against America's planned war with Iraq, and are calling for the removal of the President.

In the middle of the protest she lifts her dress, and is wearing no pants "Look", she says "See my lips - no Bush"!.

Binoboy · « **Reply #66 on:** March 03, 2003, 02:58:13 PM »

Quote from: rotgut

Rotgut's Joke of the Day:-

A girl joins a protest against America's planned war with Iraq, and are calling for the removal of the President.

In the middle of the protest she lifts her dress, and is wearing no pants "Look", she says "See my lips - no Bush"!.

Why would one wear pants AND a dress?
/dialect-based culture clash

rotgut · « **Reply #67 on:** March 05, 2003, 01:39:55 PM »

By way of a change, 2 Limericks today!

There was a young man from Peru
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe
He awoke in the night with a terrible fright
And found it was perfectly true!

There was a young man from Harlem
Who took out his testicles, to wash 'em
His mother said Jack, if you don't put them back
I'll step on the blighters and squash them!

.....and a few quick fire bird jokes for good measure:-

A man goes into a pet shop, and asks for a budgerigar. The man offers 500 hundred dollars for one, but the shop owner says "I'm sorry, I only sell them at 10 cents a time" - These only go cheep (cheap)!

Another man goes into the pet shop and asks for an exotic bird, but when he tries to give the shop owner the full cash payment the shop owner would not take his money. "Why won't you accept my money", the man asked the shop owner indignantly "I'm sorry sir", replied the shop owner " those birds are only available on Higher Perches"(Hire Purchase)!

Did you hear about the homosexual sparrow? - He went backwards, just for a lark!

LadyGendom · « **Reply #68 on:** March 05, 2003, 01:51:48 PM »

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Dark Shade · « **Reply #69 on:** March 23, 2003, 11:10:08 PM »

I swear Rotgut, that your jokes continuously get worse and worse every time you post them...repeatedly...when no one wants to hear them...

"Joke Of The Day"? More like "Headache Of The Minute". Just lay off of 'em for awhile...go to your proposed "forum", and see what they have to say about it.

God...I'm starting to get annoyed...Chris, is it possible to ban this guy? Has he violated any "rules"?

TerrorDronze · « **Reply #70 on:** March 24, 2003, 01:11:10 PM »

umm.... rotgut.... i think what you've been posting could be concidered psychological warfare.... or more accurately, torture of those of us who feel like we're POWs while reading this thread. perhaps i'll get to see the trial for your war crimes on CNN sometime... or perhaps BBC America.

here's my submission, and if the feedback is decent, i might post more...

A pair of people working for the Gas company were making their rounds, and at the last street, they decided to race back to the truck. They started from an old woman's house, with the truck parked at the other end of the block. When they started running, a little old lady began to run after them, keeping pace fairly well with the 2 guys as they raced back to the truck. when they had gotten to the truck, they saw the old lady coming up behind them, and asked her if she needed anything. "No... i don't need anything, but i got worried when i saw a couple of gas men running as fast as you were from my house."

and one more for the road...

An old lady walked into a sex shop one day, and walked up to the checkout counter. "Dddddoooooo yoooooou ssssssssell vvviiiiiiibraaaators heeeeeere?" she asked, politely.
The woman at the counter smiled and said "Of course we do, what are you looking for?"
The elderly woman said "Dddddooooo yoooooou sselllll vvvvvviiiibrators aaaabout tttthhhiiiiisss looooong?" as she held her fingers about a foot apart.
The customer service representitve said "Why yes, we do...."
At the customer service woman's reply, the old woman asked "Hhhhhhooooooowwww doooooooooooooo yoooouuuuuu tuuuuuurn iiiiiiiiiiiit oooooooooooooooff?"

Anonymous · « **Reply #71 on:** March 24, 2003, 02:50:51 PM »

Well, I think it would be lame to ban someone for bad jokes. Honestly. If you don't like'em don't read'em.

Terror, feedback on your jokes: The 1st one rotgut quality. OK, that was harsh. It just sucked. The second was much better!

Min · « **Reply #72 on:** March 24, 2003, 04:07:05 PM »

I agree...you couldn't ban him for telling jokes any more than you could ban me for being so damn cute.

(Just kidding....

)

And I disagree...I liked the first one better than the second. Although neither were up to the standards set by PeyoteCoyote's kid.

Anonymous · « **Reply #73 on:** March 24, 2003, 04:10:55 PM »

Yes that's true. We can only spank Detta for being so damn cute.

Min · « **Reply #74 on:** March 24, 2003, 04:12:35 PM »

And I thought I got rid of my "Dirty Dirty Girl" status.

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