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• (January 12, 2023, 01:18:11 AM)

[Anyanka_was_framed]

A little while ago I went to a small city with a couple of friends.  All parking in this town is metered, and the first parking garage cost $1.50.  Neither friend offered to pay or put a quarter in, nothing.  I figured, ok, maybe at the next one.  The next place we went to (not within walking distance of the first, thus switching garages) cost $4.  I am currently not working and had saved my money for the purchases I had made that day, and with all the driving around I ended up needing to get gas ($30 even).  Now that I can understand them not wanting or feeling like they should put in any money because I started out the day with under 1/2 a tank. 

We are all students, so I get that money is tight, but they volunteered to come along.  I might have refused their money, but the point is to offer to help pay, no?  That's how I was raised.  Your ass sat in the car, you help pay, or at the very least make the offer to do so.  I offer to help pay for gas, parking meters, etc every time I am a passenger.  I'd feel guilty if I didn't.

Now, I am not about to go back and ask them to pay up.  I do not feel right asking people for money in vague circumstances.  Here is my question:  Am I overreacting?  Is the person driving solely responsible for all costs of said trip?  Even if they are minimal?

[BizB]

Yes

[Anyanka_was_framed]

Thanks

[TheJudge]

Yes, I think you are over reacting and you're doing so because you had expectations that were never communicated. Here's a rule of thumb: People with little or no money generally don't vonlonteer to give it away out of the goodness of their heart. It doesn't make them mean, or assholes, they just want to hold on to the little money they have if possible. Since you are all students, I think this applies to all equally. And yes, it would be a nice gesture on their part to offer to cover some expenses, but don't have this as an expectation. You'll end up being dissapointed most of the time.

The solution is simple. Clarify the terms pior to departure. Say you're all going on a weekend road trip and you expect that it will cost you $50 in gas, tell them ahead that you expect that $50 to be a shared expense. If someone has a problem with that, then they don't get in the car and you invite another friend instead.

I wouldn't expect or ask people to pay for parking meters, but I would accept someone's loose change if they offered it..

[BizB]

That's what I meant.

I wonder how many times one should offer, though.  I recently went to visit friends and over the course of the 3 days that I was there, they treated for EVERYTHING.  I offered to pay for my stuff and offered to treat every single time, but they never let me.  How hard do you "insist"?  Do you stop offering after the second day?

They were letting me stay in their home for crying out loud!  The least I could do is buy them an ice cream cone.

[TheJudge]

Or stay off their lawn. 



Degree 1: Offering just to be polite but secretly hoping they don't take you up on the offer- You offer, they say no, you thank them and never bring them up again.

Degree 2: There's offering with intent of actually paying - you offer, they say no, you insist and state it's not a problem and you'de be happy too, they still say no

Degree 3: There's offering to the point of being obnoxious - you offer, they say no, you don't back down and it almost turns into an arguement where in the end one party abruptly states how it's going to be, then there is awkward silence.

Degree 2 is where you want to aim. Unless you know for a fact that no matter how much you offer, they will never let you pay, then degree one is OK.

[d_money]

Seems to happen to me a lot. I got to the point to where when somebody asks me to go somewhere I act like I automatically assumed they were going to drive. Everytime a friend seems to want to go somewhere they end up trying to talk me into taking my truck (which gets about 15mpg city and 20mpg highway) and I hate that.

Also have you ever had a friend order something in the drivethrough and then give you what the meal costs on the menu, not including tax? One of my friends did that to me like 10x, so the next time I went with him and he asked me for the money I gave him about $4 short and told him it was for shorting me every time I went with him. He then stopped.

[Vespertine]

Then there's the other (and very rude) extreme.  Back in April, my sister's friends threw her a surprise party for her 25th birthday.  It was at a somewhat pricey restaurant.  I quietly arranged to have the entire bill brought to me, and I paid it off to the side, so that no one would really realize what was going on.  Turns out that the people sitting closest to me spread the word that I picked up the entire tab.  I knew a few people would protest and try to give me money, but it was my sister's party, and I wanted to do it.  This one particular girl just kept harrassing me in the middle of the damn restaurant, yelling, "I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!  I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!  YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING DONE THAT!"  I seriously wanted to slap the little twit.  In terms of manners, just say thank you and then SHUT UP!

[dcrog]

Vesp,

What I do in a situation like that is simple.  They want to pay for what they had.  I've already paid the bill, I say fine, give me the money.  Then when the waiter/waitress comes by I give it to them as an additional tip.

Really pisses them off.

[BizB]

I'd have ordered the lobster.

[dcrog]

Well I wouldn't have paid for yours then.   
But they usually don't raise a stink until after they find out you paid for everything.

Anyanka, did you ask them to go with you?  Or was it a mutual want or need to go?

[Anyanka_was_framed]

Not really.  We all were free that day and wanted to do something, so we decided on going into town.  I'd like to say I invited them to come with me, but it seemed more mutual.  In the past when someone else has driven there I always pitch in for meters and whatnot.  I guess maybe I shouldn't anymore.  In general I usually aim for degree 2 under what TheJudge mentioned earlier.

[pbsaurus]

I offered to buy Vespertine lunch and dinner but she insisted on picking up the tab.  I figure that I'll get my turn next time we meet.  Making a big stink about something like this is rude and that woman needed to be taken outside and slapped silly 

As for the people treating to everything.  I visited DM about a week and a half ago, he put me up in his house and paid for everything.  I offered to buy dinner and pick up all sorts of expenses.  It would have been nice to treat he and his lovely wife to dinner, but that's OK.  When he comes out here, we'll take care of him.

As for road trips when one is a college student, I recommend sharing the driving/costs.  Let's say you drive and cover expenses this trip.  Rider 1 drives and covers expenses the next trip.  Rider 2 the one after that.  Etc.  Otherwise beforehand come to an agreement about expenses/potential expenses.

With my current set of friends for bridge tolls/parking whomever has the cash quickest will pay, it could be the driver, it could be the passenger.  These fees are pretty petty for us but can be quite cumbersome for a poor college student which is why I recommend the reaching agreement beforehand.

Another helpful way of looking at this is karma.  I anticipate having lifelong friendships with most of the people I hang with.  So accounting for this or that is unnecessary as it will all equal out in the wash someday.

[Nosferatu]

Degree 3: There's offering to the point of being obnoxious - you offer, they say no, you don't back down and it almost turns into an arguement where in the end one party abruptly states how it's going to be, then there is awkward silence.

That's funny as hell at work, when you've got two people standing at your till fighting over who's gonna pay (An interesting note, is that I don't think I've ever seen two men at degree three, there've been a few two's, but generally it's women who'll fight to pay...)

When there's two people holding out notes, each tring to knock the other's hand out of reach, I generally just go for the amount that's easiest to change up =P

[BizB]

The one time I remember this happening at my register, I took both bills and provided equal change to each person.  Basically, I split the bill for them.

[Nosferatu]

You sir, are a better man than me!