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31 Jan 2003 - Hard Ass Talk Maker 2000

The first email:
Name: -DISCLAIMER-
Email: blu_beret@theteebox.com
Subject: dead website!
Message: hey hu r u callin stupid huh?! u or me?!! u have the most LAMEST website ever!u luv junk? here's a pile of 'em! hey shit face! listen up! u guyz had better roll up yer carpet n get the hell outta here! u ain't do any good man! in fact u r juz crammin up da search engine's list! what kind of website is this? there r dead hyperlinks evry'where!! even the deadest of all deadest website seems to be much less stupid-looking! n hey yer webpage's layout is soooo..DAMN...TYPICAL! i bet u used frontpage to invent this horrible lump of shit!!! Look! i really wished i cud type a 1000 words juz to **** u guyz, but...awwww... i ain't have a sec left for u all man! AND oh! before i forget, PLEASE OH REALLY PLEASE DO PUBLISH THIS LETTER ON YOUR WEBSITE! u luv dat dun'chya? *WINK WINK* signing off now!!

HAVE A TERRIBLE DAY AHEAD OF YOU!!!!!


He obviously didn't like the comment on the fake mp3 page that read something to the order of, "Boo hoo hoo, there are no mp3s here. The mp3s do not like you. The mp3s hide from stupid people." Well I'll give him credit for realizing what he read, that was a slick use of trickery on my part! But not quite slick enough for it! Oh, it also looks like I'll have to stop using Front Page to update this page, sorry guys :( .

The first reply:

Dear Madam,

I am very pleased that you have taken great disinterest in our web site! We value all replies to us, as well as good and bad. Although you did mention some rather childish, 12-year-old derogatory remarks about the content and the layout, we still appreciate your comments!

Stacy, now that you have called me and my "deadest website" stupid and all, why not critique what you have let your cat pound out for you on the keyboard? Well, basically, in a nut shell, you're writing is quite IGNORANT. I bet you used Hard Ass Talk Maker 2000 to come up with such a pile of horse doo-doo as I have just read!

Speaking of a terrible day, let me tell you what happened! Well, first the Miami Dance Machine didn't show up on time to give me lessons, and just now I can hear a pack of Power Washers heading this way to attack my outpost not too far away!

Greetings,
-Chris.

P.S., Before contacting me again, please disengage your Hard Ass Talk Maker 2000 as it is not needed here, there is no need for such hatred and foul language.
P.P.S., I'd like to know where I can download this program called "Hard Ass Talker Maker 2000" that you used to send me that wonderful message, it can really come in handy for me as I am always talking to fellow hard asses online and I am generally not a hard ass!
P.P.P.S, Before I go to fight off the swarms of power washers, why are you looking on search engines for mp3s?

HAVE A WORSTESTER DAY BEFORE YOU!!!


There still has not been any attempt to make a reply towards my corner of cyber space.

31 Jan 2003 - Stupid Server Error 5.0

The first email:
Subject: mp3 de guns n roses
mario andres (mariox_andrexvisox.@hotmail.com)
Name: mario andres
Email: mariox_andrexvisox.@hotmail.com
Subject: mp3 de guns n roses
Message: hi im mario and i need with urgency the mp3 of guns n roses , thanks


The first reply:
Greetings, mario andres!
There seems to have been an error while processing your request to the mp3 server! The requested file, "mp3 de guns n roses" could not be found in the database and has made the server take a terrible tumble because of this fatal error. Our highly trained team of Skajaquda are currently probing through the wreckage for the black box so we can go through the logs and see just what went wrong. The possible reasons for this fatal error are as follows:

1. You did not enter in a valid song title.
2. You did not enter in a valid album title.
3. You did not enter any data at all.
4. The data that you did enter may have been wrong \(IE: your street address, date of birth, or social security number\)

If you wish to try again, do so at a later time when we might get the server back up and running from it's terrible demise. Until then, thank you for your request for the disposal of our insanely priced bandwidth, it is greatly appreciated and we take pride in what we do!

Once again we'd like to tha[An error occurred while processing this directive! Contact the head Skajaquda for further details and instructions!]

We hope this does not cause too much of an inconvenience, thank you for being patient in these dark hours!

Regards,
The Skajaquda Team Leader, Loxly.
_____________________________________________________________________
This message has been sent to you using the Stupid Server Error 5.0 program. For more information on this and other great products, point your browser to www.aol.com

31 Jan 2003 - Printing Made Easy

I have a printer. I have a printer that sits in my basement that's hooked up to a crappy computer that I refer to as the "print server", whiles others refer to it as their "portal to the internet". Either way, there's still a printer down there even if there isn't a printer server, or a portal to the internet. (I've been looking for a while for this 'portal' thing and still haven't found it. I've searched the wall and the floor and nothing.) This printer of mine has lately been naughty (That's also not why it's down in the basement for all of you with sick minds.) when it comes to printing simple things out, such as gay porn, porn, pictures of dead animals, and even text encrypted with satanic messages. They simply wouldn't print out right. I got enough money to go out to the local computer store (Which is about 25 minutes away - not quite local) and buy a brand new printer cartridge. "Great!", I thought, "Now I can print out all the satanic messages I want without hassle!".

No. It wasn't going to let me out that easy. Now I get inverted colors and messages from God through the printer. The inverted color thing was cool, but then when I started getting messages that seemed to be signed, "-God." that was the end of the line, I couldn't take it anymore.

Luckily for me the internet delivered just like it always does when looking for stuff like Britney Spears naked. I checked my email about an hour ago, and along with an email that read, "Chris! Increase your breast size up to 10%!" I found the email that changed my life. FINALLY something that I could use coming right to my very own email account! PRAISE ALLAH!
 

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It's got everything. There are very few things that acknowledge Satanís birthday, and this has it! Along with Christmas Trees and right up there with the Menorah it has a burning telephone pole to symbolize the birth of Satan almost 3000 years ago! WOW! WOW!! WOW!!!

After providing them with my Social Security Number, credit card information, and various other information that they needed before I could even enter their site, I was quickly on an order form for the Satan Print Server. After ordering it, I got about 10 confirmation emails stating that I would get it within 10 days - I got it in 3 days! Installation was easy, all you had to do is open the box, put it on your computer desk and it will do the rest for you. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO OPEN YOUR CD ROM FOR THE PROGRAM TO LOAD!

If you're tired of dealing with printer ink, or any other stupid "print server" that claims it will let you share a printer to your sole and doesn't deliver, get the Print Studio Suite! You're family and Satan will thank you many times!
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