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  • (October 29, 2012, 03:37:30 AM)
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Just think...all of this to save $50
Better late than never, I suppose. Normally most people start their Christmas shopping the second they put down the fork from eating pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving to go beat the living hell out of each other to save $50 on a shitty TV. I’ll admit, this year I have gotten off to a late start, and don't plan on starting anytime soon, to be honest.

You know the drill - It's always a hassle - what should I buy little Sally? Does Mike like video games? What about Beth, does she like working out? (Because I know I saw that post on Facebook about how she hates being overweight) Who the hell really knows because you only see them once a year around the holidays, and any more frequently than that and you would wind up in a federal pound me in the ass prison for killing them in their sleep.

In no particular order, I have put together a randomly selected gift list for little Sally, Mike, and Beth. Don’t blame me if they absolutely hate what you got them… seriously… it’s not my fault.

Little Sally - The Ultimate Selfie Stick
The Ultimate Selfie Stick is a MUST have for those women in their early 20s (Maybe even early 30s in some cases given society these days) who really enjoying taking selfies before they go for a night out on the town, leave the bathroom, or even something as simple as eat a cheese puff.

Are you not sure if Sally likes to take selfies? Just check her Instagram account to see how many self-absorbed pictures she’s taken of herself recently. Chances are there are probably a lot, and chances are she has a bunch that are pretty crappy quality. Enter the Ultimate Selfie Stick. The Ultimate Selfie Stick solves this problem because not only does it have a 7 foot telescoping arm that will be able to annoy the ever living shit out of anyone else within a 7 foot radius, but it has ultra-bright LED lights that can change colors based on mood, a built in fan to really work the hair, and built in filters to eliminate the need to “guess” what filter will make the picture look the best.

Be forewarned however: The Ultimate Selfie Stick only works with the latest version of the iPhone and in no way will it work with an Android device. Who even uses those things, anyway? So not cool.

If I had to look 'neck beard' up in the dictionary, this should be the picture next to its definition
Mike - The Hot Pocket Holder
Mike. You know… The neck-bearded video gamer who you call your nephew who is 16 but acts like he’s 8 and shows no sign of growing up because all he does is play video games in his pajamas and eat hot pockets like they’re going out of style. That Mike.

The Hot Pocket Holder is a sure fire way to make Mike’s terribly difficult existence even easier (As if it couldn’t have been an easier). Just think of the struggle he has when trying to eat while playing Call of Duty on his xBox 360. It’s hot, his fingers get greasy, he burns himself, he gets crumbs everywhere. Enter the Hot Pocket Holder. It attaches right to the controller itself to allow for interruption free hot pocket sessions while playing CoD. Problem solved. Now Mike’s biggest problem will be getting out of bed in the morning, and probably finding a girlfriend.

2 weeks of pull ups and you'll be looking like this in no time!
Beth - Total Upper Body Workout Bar
Ever since you saw that sad post on Facebook over the summer you have had the sneaking suspicion that Beth wants to lose weight and get into shape but doesn’t know where to go for help. You’ve had the urge to post on her wall asking her if she wants to drop a few sizes but realized that doing that might not be the best idea, and you’ve contemplated texting her but soon realized that doing so might spark up a conversation which you want to avoid.

How about using the holidays to suggest to her that she should get into shape? Get her the Total Upper Body Workout Bar to mount in her door frame. Never mind that pull ups and chin ups are almost next to impossible for a beginner to do, it doesn’t matter since you’ve seen countless infomercials proclaiming how great it is, and you’ve seen them used extensively in P90X videos that you illegally downloaded.

Make sure you encourage Beth to take a video of herself making the first attempt at using it. It can only end in the bar breaking free of its mounts and smacking out her front teeth and break her nose. And if she does, please make sure you encourage her to post the video on YouTube to "encourage" others.

We’ve got less than 20 days left until the big day so go ahead and get out there and start buying some useless crap for people you never see except around the holidays. Oh, and don’t forget… make sure you use the good old credit card to rack up the debt so you can complain about it year-round.

Main stream media - aka "the news" is reporting that fake news - aka "the news" - might have played a bigger part in the recent presidential election that was previously thought. They're blaming Facebook for propagating fake news which fueled Trump's rise to power because people who were on the fence for Hillary decided they read one too many negative news articles about her and thus voted for Trump. Obama is hinting at censorship to combat this problem, but I think the real problem is the fact that we actually have enough people in society now who are relying on a site like Facebook for their main source of news.

It was bad enough having to sift through the biased news articles on CNN's and FOX News' website because there were always considered to be questionable, but now we have people thinking Facebook is a real source for news? What's next? People are going to start relying on people's internet dating profiles for their autobiographies? That seems kind of crazy, right? Why? Because we all know that what people write on the internet is just one big lie to begin with.

"I read it on the internet, it must be true" was always a sarcastic dig at the internet's credibility up until about November 8th 2016 when Americans actually believed that because they read it on the internet, well, then it must be true! But what about before November 8th? Was fake news a problem then? Were there internet hoaxes before then? Of course there were! But people were mostly too smart at the time to fall for them.

Share this picture and BMW is going to give away a brand new BMW!

Share this picture of a BMW and win a new BMW!
Share this picture of a BMW and win a new BMW!

I have probably seen something like this at least 500 times on social media in the last few years. Actually, since it is close to the holidays, my news feed is long over due for one. And it usually isn't just BMW giving away one car, they some how made exactly 22 too many of a certain model and need to get rid of them so they're going to be giving them away to a random 22 people who like and share the image on Facebook.

Back in 2007/2008 when this sort of thing was tried not many people fell for it. Sure, there weren't as many people using social media at the time, but it just feels as though now people are more gullible and believe something like this more than they did in 2007/2008. Who knows though, maybe companies like BMW and RV companies are doing so well that they're willing to give away some free stuff. Hey, it's worth a shot, right?

What's the worst that can happen? Most of your friends will see that you shared it and think you're gullible. No. Don't be ridiculous - they're going to share it as well.

This guy who just won the Power Ball is going to give away $10 million!!!1

How many times have we seen this right after a big drawing? You know, the one that no one wins, yet somehow some asshole claims that they won and tries to go viral by posting a picture of him holding up a Photoshopped lottery ticket. The gimmick is that if you like and share the picture he or she will randomly select someone and see to it that they get $10 million dollars of their earnings.

I'll tell you what... If I just won a Power Ball drawing worth $300 million I would not be advertising to the world that I won and I wouldn't be advertising that I fake won, either. $300 million is a lot of cash and people will actually kill for that amount of money. That isn't just "well off" money, that is money that can start to shape local economies if used correctly.

This is almost like the people who are protesting Trump winning yet didn't even vote. Why would you do that? You got your chance at democracy and you blew it. If you actually win the lottery and then advertise it to the world that you won then you blew your chance at actually being able to enjoy the money.

Methodus Toolz

Pseudo Hacking Toolz for l33t h4x0rs
Pseudo Hacking Toolz for l33t h4x0rs

Talk about a blast from the past, Methodus Toolz was a program from 1999/2000 that was used to "hack" AOL accounts and give other users viruses if you felt inclined to do so. If I recall correctly, one of the features included a "hard drive spinner" that would make your hard drive spin wildly out of control and burn up and burn your entire house down while in the process.

Users of the program believed this so much that they would use it at the first hint of an argument in a chat room. Didn't think Britney Spears was hot? Get ready to get h4x0red!

What they failed to realize was that the program itself (Methodus Toolz) was more than likely some kind of virus that allowed its coders to gain sensitive information. The only down side about the whole plot was that the developer didn't realize that 12 year olds don't have bank account information on their computers.

The list can really go on and on. This is nothing new. It didn't take the internet to suddenly fabricate fake news or other fake stories. The problem is people's overall willingness to believe what they're consuming and taking it literally at face value.

People - you need to wake up. You can't rely on The Onion for news, nor can you rely CNN, Fox News, a website with the term "3 percent" in the domain name, or a site like Jezebel to deliver unbiased news. Use multiple sources and most of all use you common sense. Jesus.

01 Dec 2016 - Trump's First 100 Days

I don't know who did this, but whoever did deserves a cookie.
I don't know who did this

Unless you've been living under a rock these past several days, Donald Trump has won enough electoral votes in the United States to secure the office of President starting in January of 2017. Obviously this has rubbed some people the wrong way. Pretty much every campus in the United States is up in arms about Hill-dawg loosing and people have taken to the streets in protest, claiming that Donald Trump is bad for the country and the world... ironically all while they are destroying their very own communities in some cases.

I hate to sound cliche but at this point what's done is what's done. It's an absolute shame that it came down to those two. In almost every election Americans seem to think that they are forced to pick between the lesser of two evils and this election it was even more evident that ever before.

Trump has an ambitious first 100 days all planned out once he officially takes office on January 20th. In fact, I checked his website and I figured I'd share some of the more outrageous "ideas" he's hoping to implement with the help of the House and the Senate.

Banning the Use of the Phrase 'Trump Card'

Trump said he is going to require all tax payers to indicate how many times they used the phrase "trump card" within that tax year and charge them a tax accordingly based on the number of times it was used. He's tried of it being used as a pun towards him and wants it to stop right away. His economists claim this alone will generate nearly $1.3 billion in extra cash flow to the federal government during the first 2 years of his presidency.

Mandatory Spray Tans for All

This is actually pretty brilliant. Trump says that he is going to ditch Obamacare and use some of the money that the government would have spent administrating the program to provide spray tans for all 360 million Americans regardless of their sex, sexual orientation, religion, age, nationality, or political affiliation. He estimates that by doing this he will create upwards of 100,000 jobs in the spray tan industry, which was a once struggling industry after MTV stopped airing Jersey Shore.

Debate Course for All College Students

And no, he's not going to make college free. But within the first 100 days in office Trump wants to make sure that each and every college student gets a chance to take a debate course that he and his campaign staff have put together curricula for. Glancing through the proposed learning outcomes, Trump says that his hopes are that each student will graduate knowing how to debate someone to get what they want: interrupt them after each sentence they speak, answer a completely different question than that was asked, and effectively talk with your hands. He says that young adults these days don't really know how to effectively debate which is evident during the post-election protests and riots taking place.

Immigrant Wives

Trump was able to get Anna Kournikova to endorse his plans to revive the mail order bride industry
Trump was able to get Anna Kournikova to endorse his plans to revive the mail order bride industry

In an effort to fix relations with foreign countries (Mainly Russia) Trump says that he is going to re-kindle the old Russian Mail Order Bride business. He said that with today's technology and the US Dollar becoming strong once again, it will only allow the service to take off and provide hope for many young Russian women. He will enlist the help of Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder and CEO of eHarmony to get the service off the ground. He did mention that a serious system of checks and balances need to be in place to assure that no Russians who have links to terrorist organizations are allowed in. Some of these immigrant women will be allowed to work in the spray tan industry once they arrive.

Casinos in Every City

Everyone puts the name "Trump" with Casino. They go together like tuna fish and lamb. If you've been to Atlantic City in the last 10 years or so, it's no secret that the city is doing rather poorly. Many casinos have since closed their doors and if you walk one or two blocks off the main strip after sundown you're most likely going to get mugged. Trump's idea to revitalize this once booming industry is to make casinos more common in the United States. It's next to impossible for a new casino to open up in an urban area because of all the red tape associate with opening up a new one. He's going to work to get rid of a lot of that red tape and bring the minimum age down to 16, citing that young kids need to learn what bad choices are at an early age rather than having to wait until they're 21 to realize that gambling is a huge waste of money.

Those were just some of the things he's planning on doing during the first 100 days that he's in office. Based on the above, I think it's a solid game plan and I think he's going to have a great 4 years ahead of him for the simple fact that he's going to save the spray tan industry.

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