Pishaw.  You're not even in your prime, yet.


Mmmmmmm Detta in her prime...

Hi.

Don't put any effort into your introduction, that way we'll never expect any creativity from you.

Are certs even valued in the industry anymore?

Only the ones with retsin.

Well, well... lookie here... SPAM!

Yeah, I just saw that on Drudge this afternoon.

So, if I choose to know who-dunnit, I have to sit through the first 58 minutes of the 60 minute show which I have already seen, or remember to switch over in the last 2 minutes thereby missing the last 2 minutes of some other show that I may be watching on a network that really cares about their viewers?  I'll pass.

I think CBS should give up 2 minutes of every commercial break period to show just those lost minutes and they should do it for the next 3 days.

Arafat was Muslim, wasn't he?  As such, shouldn't he be in the ground by nightfall the following day?  What gives?  Does this mean he won't get his virgins?

Last night, with about 2 minutes to go on CSI New York, when they were in the process of showing you how all of the pieces of evidence fit together so that you could believe that you had the crime solved moments before they did, CBS cut in with a "Special Report" to announce that Arafat was dead.

Tonight, just as they're about to announce the next cast member voted off of the Survivor Island, they'll bust in with a "Special Report" that the curse of the Bambino is over.

Then, at the same point in show CSI (The original), they'll interrupt with the announcement that Arafat is only sort-of-kind-of-a-little-bit-dead.

Bye, Yassir... we can make do without.

My version at work doesn't have a 'Mode.'

/me points and laughs.

He doesn't have mode!  ....and he admitted it!

Date: November 10, 2004.
Concern: All my coworkers are hung over and red-eyed.
Actuality: All your coworkers are staying up until all hours of the night playing GTA and Halo 2.

Resolution: Slow down and slack off a bit.  Nobody will notice.

I think something strange is afoot?

This, from one of my favourite wesbites...

Keep in mind as you read this that "Can you hear me now?" is Verizon's catch phrase.  My goal at the start of this was to make her say "Can you hear me now?" at least once.

Me : Hello?
Her: Hello sir.  My name is Ivanna.  Your name and number have been selected to receive a free cell phone from Alltel cellular.
Me : Hello? Hello?
Her: Hello sir.  Yes, you have been selected to receive
Me : [interrupting] Hello?
Her: Hello, sir.  Can you hear me?
Me : Yes.  Can you hear me?
Her: Yes. I was saying that your name and number have been selected to receive a free cell phone from Alltel including 600 free minutes per month, 100 text messages and blah blah blah. (I tuned her out because they were showing the Steelers highlights)
Me : Hello?  Hello?  Can you hear me?
Her: Yes, I can hear you.  Can you hear me?
Me : Yes.  Can you hear me now?
Her: Yes, I can hear you.  Your name and number have been selected to... (repeats deal)
Me : The whole thing is free?
Her: Yes, you need only pay for the usage charge of $39.99 per month
Me : What model is the phone?
Her: It is a Nokia 6104017 (or some number that I didn't catch) and it has all of the latest features found in today's most popular phones.
Me : Does it have a camera?
Her: No, sir, but you can get the Nokia 44005 (again I didn't pay attention to the number) and that would cost you a one time price of $75.00
Me : Well, that's not exactly free, is it?
Her: No, that one is not free, but you can...
Me : [interrupting] Hello? Hello?
Her: Yes, sir the Nokia...
Me : Can you hear me now?
Her: Yes, I can hear you.  Can you hear me?
Me : Yes, I can hear you now.  Can you hear me now?
Her: I can hear you now.  Can you hear me now?
Me : I can hear you.
Her: The Nokia phone with the camera is not free, but you can get the Nokia 6105017 for free.
Me : Okay.  I don't need the camera.  I was just wondering.
Her: Okay sir. You can get the Nokia 6105017
Me : Hello?
Her: Yes sir.  Hello?  Can you hear me now?
Me : Yes.
Her: So, you would be interested in this offer from Alltel?
Me : Yes, I would but how do I get it?  Will you bring it to me? Do I need to visit the store?
Her: No, sir it will be shipped to you via Fed Ex.  All I need is your name.
Me : No.  You told me at the beginning of the conversation that you had selected my name and number for this free offer, so you already have my name.
Her: Yes, Peter, we do have...
Me : [interrupting] Hello?  Can you hear me?
Her: (Practically yelling) Yes, Peter, can you hear me?
Me : Yes.
Her: And your phone number is (###)-###-####, right?
Me : Well, that's the number you dialed, right?
Her: (giggling) Yes.
Me : Then, that must be me.
Her: May I transfer you to my supervisor so that we can explain the shipping and handling charges and..
Me : [interrupting] I thought you said it was free?
Her: Sir, the phone is free, but you have to pay for the shipping to get it to you.
Me : That doesn't sound very..... Hello?
Her: Hello?  Can you hear me?
Me :Yes.  Can you hear me now?
Her: Yes. Sir, I need your credit card information.
Me : (a bit frantic in tone) Why?  It's free, isn't it?  The phone is free... you said so!  I remember!  You told me several times that it was free!
Her: Sir, the phone <U>is</U> free.  We need the credit card information so that we can bill you for the usage charges.
Me : Oh.  Well, I can't do that because I only have a cordless phone and my neighbor listens to my conversations.
Her: Sir, I need your credit card information in order to make thi
Me : Hello?
Her: Hello?  Can you hear me now?
Me :Yes.  I was just saying that my neighbor, Dave, listens to my conversations because I have only a cordless phone. If I give you my [long silent pause]
Her: Hello?  Hello?  Sir?
Me : Yes?  Hello?  Can you hear me now?
Her: Yes, I can hear you.  Can you hear me?
Me : Yes.  I think Dave is listening to our conversation.  Can you hear me now?
Her: Yes.  Sir, can I transfer you to my supervisor so that we can get your credit card information and your social security number?
Me : No!  I like you!  Don't transfer me!  Besides, I can't give you that information because I only have a cordless phone and Dave, my jerk neighbor, listens to my phone conversations.  Just the other day, I was out in my driveway going to my car when Dave came out and said I should be nicer to my mother on the phone.  He listens.  He hears it all!
Her: Sir, is there another time that I can call you when there won't be anyone listening?
Me : No!  I think he has it set up to record the conversations when he's not home.  He knows way too much.  It's scary!
Her: Sir, I understand your concerns but..
Me : Hello?  Hello?  Can you hear me now?
Her: Yes. Hello?  Can you hear me now?
Me : Yes, I can hear you. Dave, if you're listening, YOU'RE A JERK!  I HATE YOU!
Her: Hello?  Sir, can I transfer you to my supervisor so that...?
Me : No! I like talking to you.  Don't transfer me... please.
Her: Sir, I need your credit card information... Do you have another number that I could call you at... maybe a cell phone?
Me : If I had a cell phone, I wouldn't need your offer, would I?
Her: No.
Me : You see my dilemma, right?
Her: Yes.  But, sir, I need your social security number...
Me : But, Dave... Dave is listening!  I just know it.
Her: Sir, may I transfer you to my supervisor so that...
Me : [interrupting] Hey! Hey!  If I have a cell phone, then that JERK Dave next door can't listen in, right?  Cell phones are secure, right?  I mean, he wouldn't be able to listen in, right?
Her: Cell phones can not be listened to, sir.  Your calls would be secure.
Me : So, back in the 1996 elections, when they listened in to that one guy's cell phone and it made it onto the internet and it made Clinton look good... that can't happen any more?
Her: I don't know about that, sir.
Me : You don't know if cell phones can be heard?  Aren't they like walkie-talkies?
Her: Sir, if you'll allow me to transfer you to my supervisor, I'm sure he could answer these questions for you.
Me : Hello?
Her: Yes, Hello?  Can you hear me now?
Me : Yes.  I can hear you.  Can you hear me now?
Her: I'm going to transfer you to my supervisor so that he can answer your concerns.
Me : Okay.  Dave, if you're listening, SEE WHAT YOU MAKE ME GO THROUGH? JERK!
Her: Hello?
Me : Yes, go ahead.  I was just yelling at Dave.
Her: Okay, please hold on for one moment while I transfer your call.
Me : (Each time sounding more frantic) Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Eventually I just hung up instead of waiting.  I thought this little gag was over and then the phone rang almost instantly after I hung up.  As I answered, I could hear someone speaking with an Indian accent (speaking to someone else).
Me : Damn it Dave!  I knew you were listening!  You're a jerk!  I can't wait to move away from you!
Him: Sir? Peter?  Hello? Peter?
Me : Oh... I'm sorry.  I thought you were my neighbor, Dave.
Him: No.  Sir, my name is Egbert and I'm the supervisor at Alltel wireless.  My associate told me that you have concerns about your neighbor listening to your phone conversations.
Me : Yes.  My neighbor, Dave, is a jerk.  He always listens to my phone conversations.
Him: Sir, this line is completely secure.  There is no way he can listen to what we say.
Me : No! I have cordless phone, only.  He can pick up the signal.  He is very smart on technology stuff.  He even has internet.
Him: I understand, sir.  Is there another number that I can call you at?
Me : No.
Him: Can you call me back from a different location?
Me : They don't let me call out from the home.
Him: Can you maybe go to a pay phone?
Me : A PAY PHONE!? BRILLIANT!  WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?! It's obvious why YOU are the supervisor at that company.  I can just walk down to the pay phone and call you back.
Him: Yes, sir.  You can reach me by calling 1-866-447-6448.
(Note: I am not suggesting that any of you call Egbert at that number and give him a hard time.  I would never suggest such a thing.  After all, it is his job to call people at their homes and interrupt whatever it is that they are doing.  However, at the same time, I wonder if he needs any boy scout popcorn, girl scout cookies of candy-bars supporting your favourite charity)
Me : And your name was...?
Him: Egbert
Me : (after a considerable pause) Hello? Hello?
Him: Hello?
Me : Can you hear me now?
Him: Yes, I can hear you.  Can you hear me?
Me : Yes.  Dave can hear you, too.
Him: Sir?
Me : So, if I call you back from the payphone down at the gas station, I can get this cell phone for free with free minutes and everything?
Him: Yes, just call me back from a location where you can give me your credit card information.
Me : And Dave won't be able to hear my conversations any more?
Him: No, sir. He won't.
Me : But, what about the walkie-talkie thing back in 1996 when they recorded someone's cell phone conversation and it got Bob Dole in trouble and it made Clinton look good?  Can they still do that?
Him: Sir, this is a 100% secure phone.
Me : Does it have digital?
Him: Yes... satellite only
Me : No analog?
Him: No, sir... 100% digital.
Me : Okay.  How do you spell your name?
Him:E-g-b-e-r-t
Me :Nope!  I gotcha!  It's y-o-u-r n-a-m-e!  That's my daughter's favourite joke.  It's funny, isn't it?
Him: Sir?
Me : Hello? Hello? (continuing as he responded) Hello? Hello?
Him: Yes... hello?  Can you hear me?  Hello?
Me : Yes, hello.  Okay.
Him: So, you call me back and we'll get you this one time offer.
Me : Okay. I'll walk up to the gas station and I'll call you back.  I have to walk because I don't drive.
Him: That's fine sir.  Just call me back at that number.  Did you write down the number?
Me : Yes.  I have it.  I wrote it on my mom's shopping list pad.  Do you think mom will get mad?
Him: Thank you sir.  Please call soon.
Me : Okay. I'm walking up there, now.

I saw that nasty white page.  Yuck.

My deity can create a rock so heavy your deity can't lift it.

Ohhhh... good stuff, Judge.  In addition, I'd like to offer:

When looking for a parking space, if you must park next to someone and you're lucky enough to find a spot along a wall or somewhere that you'll only have one neighbor, park as far away as possible from your neighbor within the spot you've picked.

If you're someplace where you'd normally not expect people to have a passenger (like at work), park closer to the passenger side of the car on your left so the driver on your right has all the room he could want.  You're capable of being carefull not to ding the car to your left with the driver's side door.
The opposite is true of places where there are likely to be child passengers (the mall).  Park closer to the driver's side door of the car on your right giving plenty of room for the rug-rats to swing the door on your left.

Make note of the color and license plate number of the car that you park next to.  If there is a big white dent when you return and you get the license number and color, you may have some recourse.