Topic: Jesus is Giving up on You and Me for Lent (Read 10632 times)

Anonymous · « **on:** February 25, 2004, 10:42:15 PM »

http://www.gotthegeek.com/images/chris_avatar.gif" alt="Submitted by Chris" border="0"> Submitted by Chris

http://www.gotthegeek.com/images/mardi_gras/mardi_gras_01.jpg" alt="We just wasted out life savings on these beads!">

Hey Kids! Look! We just wasted your future college money on these beads! I hope you like beads!

The “festival” that has produced the original Girls Gone Wild through Girls Gone Wicked Wild, Lost Their Wallet, Don’t Know How to Get Home Because They Drank So Much That They Threw Up On Some Guys Lap While Pleasuring Him 987^67E which is commonly referred to as “Mardi Gras” has fallen upon us once again, and has already passed us because I take so damn long to write these things. This “festival” marks the time of year when a bunch of people, who are usually between the ages of 18 and 25, go down to New Orleans, drink until their kidneys jump out of their bodies in a drunken rage while singing the theme song from the Banana Splits, smoke until their eyes develop cataracts, and engage in a vast orgy of drinking, smoking, and partying. What else would they engage in? What the hell were you thinking of when I said “orgy”? You sick bastard, I bet you were thinking of the band Orgy. As if these people didn’t suck enough at life, they go down to New Orleans, waste the rest of their money on a plane ticket, a few bottles of cheap booze that their frail bodies will buckle from upon consumption, a bunch of beads, and a disposable camera so they can show their children just how lucky there are to be alive because it’s still illegal to kill retards like their mother and father.

Other than being a marketing game for beer, bead and condom companies in the United States, and helping to decrease the population of retarded people that insist on wasting all of their money to go down to New Orleans in the north for the period of one week, give or take a day or two, Mardi Gras actually has some significance. As hard as it is to believe, this “festival” actually has a meaning behind it, just like Christmas and Easter do, or at least once did. I know, some of you reading this right now might be in a state of shock, or might actually be in front of their computer on the floor having convulsions and choking on their tongue because they had no idea there was some significance behind these holidays, or because they suffer from sporadic seizures and they just so happen to be having one while reading this article. As a matter of fact, some Atheists might be opening up their email clients right now preparing to write me a nice long email stating that religion is fake and it intoxicates the mind with false beliefs. Towards the end of their emails, they usually note that their religion is bigger, stronger, faster, and generally better, and state that I should join them in the quest for world domination.

http://www.gotthegeek.com/images/mardi_gras/lent.jpg" alt="Lent is coming">

Get ready for Lent, don't get caught with your pants down like Helmut Lent did.

Mardi Gras, which can also be called “Fat Tuesday”, as I know it, is the day before Lent begins. This thing called “Lent” lasts for some 40 days, or considerably less depending on how devoted you are as well as your religion. Obviously if you worship Buddha, you will not be observing Lent anytime soon. During this time, believers of “Lent” are supposed to give up something for that period of time, note how I said “supposed to”, most of the followers suck at life so much that they don’t even give something up. That means you, Chris. Believers also may not eat meat on Fridays, but are allowed to eat fish for some odd reason. Apparently fish are made of tofu, but it’s not good enough for vegetarians to eat. Believers also must send a check made out to Chris for 100 US dollars every Thursday.

With the advent of Lent, it’s time for all the good Catholics who aren’t going to hell and who attend church every Sunday, except when they have other plans, to give up something that they value. The time that is now free should be put into something more useful, such as helping others who are not as fortunate as they are. Again, notice how I said “should be”, and not “must be”. Unfortunately, after doing some extensive research, I have come to the conclusion that it is nothing but talk for 97.8% of all participants. The other 2.2% actually follow through with what they planned on giving up. Most of them chose clever things, such as a trip to the dentist because we all know we go there every Tuesday, or some homeless people give up showering for 40 days.

http://www.gotthegeek.com/images/mardi_gras/laibach.jpg" alt="Laibach">

This is a random picture of Laibach. They don't like Lent, and they don't like you very much.

To be honest, I haven’t thought of anything to give up for Lent yet. I’ve thought about giving up writing for this site for 40 days, and then I realized that wouldn’t do much considering that I write here about once every 40 days sometimes more, and sometimes a few days. Then I thought about showering, but I quickly realized that I don’t do that either, and if I do take a shower, I don’t use soap since it’s unclean, so that is useless as well.

There are a few famous, as well as not-so-famous people that I know who have given an arm and a leg this Lent. Well, not literally an arm and a leg, but close to it. It was more like a chicken breast and leg for Star Jones from The View. Normally, you would think that since they are rich and famous they wouldn’t give up much, but some of these famous people with the money are Jewish, and some just so happen to be die hard Catholics, such as Bruce Willis who just so happens to be the star from the Die Hard series. I decided that it would be a good idea to go around and ask some of my not-so-famous friends what they planned on giving up for Lent. Some of their responses were amusing, while others became heated when I asked them what they were going to give up for Lent, this might have been due to the fact that they were Indian and clearly were not part of the Catholic community.

Rick Castellan
Rick is your average 15-year-old kid. He also happens to be the same kid that lives in the house that’s next to mine, which makes him my next-door neighbor. Rick is not unordinary, he gets straight 70s in school, which is above average in my hometown, and has had a girlfriend since the age of 12, which is two years past the average here. Normally they are thinking about having children by age 15, and marriage comes sometime around 18-years-old if they’re lucky. I bumped into Rick on my way to work the other day, mind you, I have work at 9 A. M., and school starts at about 7:30 A. M. here. It isn’t unusual for kids to get into school at 12 and call it a day at 2. I asked him what he was going to be giving up for lent and he didn’t quite know what I was talking right away. He replied with, “Oh… right… Lent… Uh… I’m going to give up driving and I’m going to use that time to help my parents around the house.” I thought that was a pretty good idea, help his folks around the house instead of driving around like a maniac like all teens do. I got in my car, started the engine and realized that he’s only 15 and thought to myself, “THAT SON OF A BITCH! HE CAN’T EVEN GET INTO AN R RATED MOVIE YET!” I haven’t seen Rick in about four days now. My best guess is that he’s in his house hiding because he knows I’m waiting for him. Rick, if you’re reading this, I’m going to make you give up walking for Lent because you lied to me.

http://www.gotthegeek.com/images/mardi_gras/homie.jpg" alt="Bret Rosenberg, five weeks after graduation">
Bret thought he was cool in high school, and now he thinks he's even cooler at work.
Bret Rosenberg
Bret and I go way back to when we were in high school together. Bret used to be normal - he got pretty good grades all the way through junior year, he had a nice car, and a nice girlfriend. Napster came around early in senior year and I guess he began to download all sorts of music, and rap must have stuck with him. His grades began to slip, his girlfriend didn’t want to be with him anymore, and he became one of the biggest wiggers that I have ever seen to this day. He doesn’t work too far from where I do, and one day while in K-Mart I saw him working and decided to ask him how he was doing. He seemed to have developed some sort of drawl, which I found to be pretty funny considering that were are almost as far away from the southern states as you can get in the United States. I asked him what he had planned on giving up for Lent because I still had no idea what I was going to give up and he got pretty mad when I asked him. “Yo, what the fuck you talking about? Lint? Man, I hate that shit yo, it builds up in my dryer all the time at my crib and gets on my clothes”. After his violent retort of slurs, I slowly backed away from him because I noticed that we just so happened to be in the hunting department and despite Rosie O’Donnell’s best efforts, K-Mart still sells firearms. Later that day I realized what his problem was, Rosenberg isn’t exactly a common last name that Catholic people have and he must have been playing it off so I didn’t laugh at him for being Jewish like I used to back in the day.

http://www.gotthegeek.com/images/mardi_gras/stephanie.jpg" alt="This could be Stephanie, but it isn't">
Just imagine this Stephanie being 100 pounds heavier, 30 years older, and ten time more ugly, and you have your very own Stephanie Continol
Stephanie Continol
Stephanie and I have been working together now for several years and have been pretty good friends from the start. I guess you could say that she’s pretty religious, she has this blow up Jesus doll that she used to have next to her desk at work, but was told that she couldn’t have it in the office because it might offend Samir down the hall who is Hindu, and it might also offend Slade Craven (I think he changed his name for some reason. He’s Goth. That might explain why.) down the other direction of the hall who is a die hard Atheist who hates organized religion with a passion. I didn’t have to ask what Stephanie was giving up for lent, instead she asked me. I had no idea what to tell her, so I quickly said I was going to give up reading books and asked her what she was going to give up for Lent. She started with, “Well, you know that blowup Jesus doll that I have at home now? Well I’m going to sto…” I stopped her before she could finish what the was going to say. I didn’t need this coming out of a 205 pound 42-year-old woman’s mouth at 10 in the morning on a Monday. No thanks.

Lent isn’t an easy thing for many people to do. Take a look at New Year’s Resolutions, no one ever keeps them, and that’s for 365 days. Every year people think that they are going to lose 40 pounds and be buff for the summer. Summer time comes and guess what, they have another 40 pounds around their already grotesque waist lines Some people can’t even give up something up like going to the dentist for 40 days during Lent, that means you, Chris. I think Michael Jackson said instead of going after 11-year-old kids, he’s going after 15-year-old boys, you better watch out, Rick Castellan. You might not be walking for a very, very long time. At least not normally walking that is.

So, what the hell are you giving up for Lent. I bet nothing.

hackess · « **Reply #1 on:** February 26, 2004, 09:05:07 AM »

You're right. I'm a seriously lapsed Catholic. I don't believe in God. Yesterday was just another Wednesday.

Demosthenes · « **Reply #2 on:** February 26, 2004, 09:18:19 AM »

So in other words, you gave up Catholicism for Lent a long time ago?

hackess · « **Reply #3 on:** February 26, 2004, 09:27:33 AM »

Quote from: Demosthenes

So in other words, you gave up Catholicism for Lent a long time ago?

I'll have to remember that for when my SO's parents get on us for not going to church.

Frozen Shade · « **Reply #4 on:** February 27, 2004, 12:54:50 AM »

I dont believe in god either to be quite honest. So, no lent for me. I sleep in on Sunday.

Demosthenes · « **Reply #5 on:** February 27, 2004, 09:46:37 AM »

"Lent" sounds a little too much like the stuff I have to clean out of the dryer screen, to me.

The Humanist · « **Reply #6 on:** February 28, 2004, 11:26:26 AM »

You hate people too eh'?

xolik · « **Reply #7 on:** February 29, 2004, 03:31:49 PM »

I'm giving up sexorz for Lent.

**Edit ten days later**

I didn't work.

Demosthenes · « **Reply #8 on:** March 01, 2004, 09:32:16 AM »

Quote from: The Humanist

You hate people too eh'?

Who?

Me?

Only the stupid ones. And even then, only the stupid ones that affect me in some way.

TerrorDronze · « **Reply #9 on:** March 04, 2004, 03:25:48 AM »

I have come to the conclusion that "True" catholics are just plain hypocritical. they have "Lent", which seems like they want more donations, but never "Paid", when they give all the money back.... what's the deal?

pbsaurus · « **Reply #10 on:** March 08, 2004, 06:34:33 PM »

I kind of like the idea of sacrifice. It can teach will power. It has potential to build character.

Those who partake in this activity and take it seriously, I respect.

TerrorDronze · « **Reply #11 on:** March 12, 2004, 09:13:50 PM »

so do i, as far as the sacrifice goes, so be it. but why not try doing it year round, or just completely giving up whatever your giving up for good?

maylee · « **Reply #12 on:** June 24, 2004, 10:38:55 AM »

I'm an Atheist there fore I don't believe in God or Jesus or whatever you wish to call such a so-called "creator."

hackess · « **Reply #13 on:** June 24, 2004, 10:39:56 AM »

Ferfucksake...

xolik · « **Reply #14 on:** June 24, 2004, 10:40:34 AM »

Quote from: maylee

I'm an Atheist there fore I don't believe in God or Jesus or whatever you wish to call such a so-called "creator."

Are you sure you're not a necromancer?

Anonymous · « **Reply #15 on:** June 24, 2004, 10:45:47 AM »

Or a threadomancer?

Law · « **Reply #16 on:** June 24, 2004, 12:19:25 PM »

And what the hell does Che have to do with anything?

xolik · « **Reply #17 on:** June 24, 2004, 12:22:23 PM »

Quote from: Law

And what the hell does Che have to do with anything?

Che is being horribly misused by every 3dgy wanna-be who doesn't understand a damn thing about him or what he really stood for but wants people to think he's cool and a rebel by wearing\posting his image.

gorgeous_si · « **Reply #18 on:** June 24, 2004, 12:23:31 PM »

Quote from: Law

And what the hell does Che have to do with anything?

I don't know ... although constantly seeing Che on T-Shirts and other merchandice is one of my pet hates - don't these people see the blatant irony in paying for anything with his picture on?!?

Demosthenes · « **Reply #19 on:** June 24, 2004, 12:25:34 PM »

Quote from: gorgeous_si

Quote from: Law
And what the hell does Che have to do with anything?

I don't know ... although constantly seeing Che on T-Shirts and other merchandice is one of my pet hates - don't these people see the blatant irony in paying for anything with his picture on?!?

Personally, I think that's by far the funniest part of all this. I find that uproariously funny.

pbsaurus · « **Reply #20 on:** June 24, 2004, 01:51:13 PM »

Quote from: Demosthenes

Quote from: gorgeous_si
Quote from: Law
And what the hell does Che have to do with anything?

I don't know ... although constantly seeing Che on T-Shirts and other merchandice is one of my pet hates - don't these people see the blatant irony in paying for anything with his picture on?!?

Personally, I think that's by far the funniest part of all this. I find that uproariously funny.

Yup. You gotta love all the nonconformists conforming to their nonconformist ideal....

Anonymous · « **Reply #21 on:** June 24, 2004, 10:25:04 PM »

HAY GUYS I ATTACHED SOME BANANAS FOR YOU!

Demosthenes · « **Reply #22 on:** June 25, 2004, 09:11:38 AM »

..... aaaaaaand apparently Chris is now experimenting with psychadelics.

MISTER MASSACRE · « **Reply #23 on:** June 25, 2004, 10:33:26 AM »

TOO MUCH POTASSIUM FOR ME THANKS

pbsaurus · « **Reply #24 on:** June 25, 2004, 03:44:54 PM »

favourite fruit of primates, dude!

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