Topic: Write the State of the Union Address (Read 4140 times)

reimero · « **on:** January 25, 2006, 10:31:26 AM »

Next week, our "esteemed" President will deliver the State of the Union address, and it struck me that pretty much all State of the Union addresses are generally pretty similar.

So I thought we as a group should go ahead and prepare the State of the Union Address for President Bush. Every SOTU needs at least the following elements (although the order can vary):
1. A cheerful, inclusive introduction with shout-outs to favored line-toers, fundraisers, lobbyists, token women and minorities and moderate members of the opposite party who didn't stonewall his pet projects.
2. If it's not the President's first SOTU, an overly optimistic glossing over of all the good things that happened in the previous year. There should be an applause break every 3-4 sentences.
2a. If it IS the President's first SOTU and he's replacing someone from the opposing party, he should carry on at great lenghts about the great job his predecessor did, while at the same time trashing just about every major accomplishment his predecessor pulled off.
3. Overly optimistic look ahead at the coming year. This section MUST include the phrase "but there is much yet to be done" or a variant thereof. This is usually an ideal time to justify the breaking of campaign promises while pinning it on the lack of cooperation by the opposite party. There should be an applause break every 6-8 sentences.
4. A "frank" discussion of problems facing the nation, almost all of which involve the opposing party or vague outside threats to "national security." This is the "serious" section, in which applause breaks are few and far between, but should be powerful. The most important problem facing America is ALWAYS this $outside_threat (it used to be communism, now it's terrorism), and the importance of coming together and uniting to combat this problem as one nation is underscored. The most important aspect of unity is, of course, accusing the other party of not caring about national security.
5. The economy through rose-colored glasses: the economy is getting better, more jobs are just around the corner and our nation's economic health has never been greater. Hand-picked numbers from several "key sectors" are cited as evidence, even though they have no bearing on reality. An "economic stimulus plan" is either introduced or a crappy plan stalled by disgruntled members of the opposite party in Congress is urged to be passed. The applause rate should pick up a lot of steam here.
6. The rah-rah go America let's all work together one nation's rockets' red glare from sea to shining sea section: This part should include an average of one sound bite every 16.4 seconds, and should have enough "spontaneous" applause that the President is routinely "interrupted" while trying to read his next sentence. The President's party's side of the chamber should be on their feet in near hysteria by the end of this section.
7. Very brief closing and basking in the obligatory standing ovation.

What can we come up with here?

reimero · « **Reply #1 on:** January 25, 2006, 10:32:38 AM »

Mah fellah Amercans,

2005 was a great year for us. We saw freedom and democracy grow around the world and we came together as a nation.

Vespertine · « **Reply #2 on:** January 25, 2006, 11:59:38 AM »

I'd like to thank ya'll for inviting me here to talk to you about the presentness and futurity of this God-blessed, God-fearing, pro-life, pro-death penalty, anti-gay country of ours.

reimero · « **Reply #3 on:** January 25, 2006, 12:20:36 PM »

With the support of Vice President Cheney, Karl Rove, Laura, Donald, Condoleeza, the good folks at Halliburton, and honest, hard-working Americans, last year was a remarkable year for us. We kept America safe (applause break.) We kept America secure (applause break.) We stayed true to American values (applause break, pan to scowling Edward Kennedy.)

Vespertine · « **Reply #4 on:** January 25, 2006, 01:57:34 PM »

We have successfully beat back the abortionists, the homosexshuls, civil liberties and the Iraqi insurgents. And, we did it all within the bounds of the law (applause break, pan to Edward Kennedy going apoplectic).

reimero · « **Reply #5 on:** January 25, 2006, 02:29:00 PM »

As great as 2005 was, we still have a lot to do, and 2006 promises to be an even better year. As we speak, we're looking to put one more good, solid Christian on the Supreme Court, who will be there for decades to come. And that's only the start.

We are winning the war on terrorism. I obviously can't go into details for reasons of national security, but every day, America is becoming more and more safer. Most people don't know this, but our folks have successfully prevented 39,284 terrorist attacks against this country in just the last 2 months! (Applause break, pan to cheering Arlen Spectre, pan to eye-rolling Barack Obama.) In 2006, we hope to break the 250,000 thwarted terrorist attack mark! (Polite smattering of applause, John McCain and Hillary Clinton both try not to look completely confused by that remark.)

xolik · « **Reply #6 on:** January 25, 2006, 02:39:57 PM »

"My fellow Americans, please accept this as my formal resignation, effective immediately."

Hey, I can dream can't I?

reimero · « **Reply #7 on:** January 25, 2006, 03:15:58 PM »

No no no! If Dubya resigns, Tricky Dick becomes president! All the evil without teh funnay!

TheJudge · « **Reply #8 on:** January 25, 2006, 03:23:09 PM »

Mah fellow americans, I was watching SNL reruns the other night. That Will Ferrel guy would make a cool president! I wanna appoint him to be the official USA presmidential mascott! With a guy like that around, who cares about the economy? Let's just smoke weed and get drunk!

Crystalmonkey · « **Reply #9 on:** January 25, 2006, 04:20:44 PM »

I have here a list of people who are workin' with the terrerists, lemme read ya sum:

Every Democrat
A Few Republicans
Every person who doesn't think I am good
God-haters

This is a scary group of people, who should be exculeded from our country.

God Bless America (The right part of it, anyway)

Chris · « **Reply #10 on:** January 25, 2006, 05:50:19 PM »

Quote from: Crystalmonkey

I have here a list of people who are workin' with the terrerists, lemme read ya sum:

Every Democrat
A Few Republicans
Every person who doesn't think I am good
God-haters

This is a scary group of people, who should be exculeded from our country.

God Bless America (The right part of it, anyway)

You forgot "evil-doers"

hackess · « **Reply #11 on:** January 25, 2006, 07:35:10 PM »

I'm just the media. I'll report on this event -- and will put my own witty spin on it, of course.

Vespertine · « **Reply #12 on:** January 26, 2006, 12:21:18 AM »

Okay, here's what we have so far.

Quote

Mah fellah Amercans,

2005 was a great year for us. We saw freedom and democracy grow around the world and we came together as a nation.

I'd like to thank ya'll for inviting me here to talk to you about the presentness and futurity of this God-blessed, God-fearing, pro-life, pro-death penalty, anti-gay country of ours.

With the support of Vice President Cheney, Karl Rove, Laura, Donald, Condoleeza, the good folks at Halliburton, and honest, hard-working Americans, last year was a remarkable year for us. We kept America safe (applause break.) We kept America secure (applause break.) We stayed true to American values (applause break, pan to scowling Edward Kennedy.)

We have successfully beat back the abortionists, the homosexshuls, civil liberties and the Iraqi insurgents. And, we did it all within the bounds of the law (applause break, pan to Edward Kennedy going apoplectic).

As great as 2005 was, we still have a lot to do, and 2006 promises to be an even better year. As we speak, we're looking to put one more good, solid Christian on the Supreme Court, who will be there for decades to come. And that's only the start.

We are winning the war on terrorism. I obviously can't go into details for reasons of national security, but every day, America is becoming more and more safer. Most people don't know this, but our folks have successfully prevented 39,284 terrorist attacks against this country in just the last 2 months! (Applause break, pan to cheering Arlen Spectre, pan to eye-rolling Barack Obama.) In 2006, we hope to break the 250,000 thwarted terrorist attack mark! (Polite smattering of applause, John McCain and Hillary Clinton both try not to look completely confused by that remark.)

I have here a list of people who are workin' with the terrerists, lemme read ya sum:

Every Democrat
A Few Republicans
Every person who doesn't think I am good
God-haters

This is a scary group of people, who should be exculeded from our country.

God Bless America (The right part of it, anyway)

I stand before you today to make a promise to all true Americans. In 2006, we are going to win the war on terrism (pause for thunderous applause). We are going to this by stamping out dissent in this great land of ours. As we all know, dissenters are unpatriotic and unpatriotism causes terrrism (pan to Bill Frist and Tom DeLay weeping with joy). As I do this, some people will cry about the Constitution. I vow to you that the Constitution does not apply to the fight against terrrism.

LuciferSam · « **Reply #13 on:** January 26, 2006, 05:04:21 AM »

Can't beat a Bush that's already grown

/pun maliciously intended

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MamaMoonie · « **Reply #14 on:** January 26, 2006, 06:15:50 AM »

Quote from: Chris

Quote from: Crystalmonkey
I have here a list of people who are workin' with the terrerists, lemme read ya sum:

Every Democrat
A Few Republicans
Every person who doesn't think I am good
God-haters

This is a scary group of people, who should be exculeded from our country.

God Bless America (The right part of it, anyway)

You forgot "evil-doers"

OO! Don't fergit the pagans, hummasekshuls, oh......wait....I guess "Every person who doesn't think I am good" covers them...lol

jeee · « **Reply #15 on:** January 27, 2006, 05:52:05 PM »

"And don't you all forget the death penalty is also in effect on Guantanamo bay, so don't spend your holiday there Osama (break for polite applause as a reaction to a very bad joke)"

xpgeek · « **Reply #16 on:** January 29, 2006, 08:55:06 AM »

Mah fellow Americans, the rich ones anyway I don't care about the rest, 2006 is going to be a great year, if I'm not impeached. The NSA will be given even more power to do whatever they want, the christian church will officially take full control of all public schools and eliminate all science studys, homosexuals will finally be exposed as all being al queda members, and finally I will personally seize all control of Google just for spite, how dare they oppose me. But worry not easily distracted Americans, 95% of you won't notice any of this happening because I'm going to start at least two more needless wars to keep peoples attention off anything else.

TheJudge · « **Reply #17 on:** January 29, 2006, 08:40:34 PM »

In conclusion, fer 2006, it would be depreciated if everyone stopped joking about how I mispronociate big words.

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Author Topic: Write the State of the Union Address (Read 4140 times)