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  • (January 12, 2023, 01:18:11 AM)

Author Topic: The Ultimate 2016 Christmas Gift Buying Guide for Those you Hate  (Read 2636 times)

Chris

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The Ultimate 2016 Christmas Gift Buying Guide for Those you Hate
« on: December 07, 2016, 01:30:28 PM »

Just think...all of this to save $50
Better late than never, I suppose. Normally most people start their Christmas shopping the second they put down the fork from eating pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving to go beat the living hell out of each other to save $50 on a shitty TV. I’ll admit, this year I have gotten off to a late start, and don't plan on starting anytime soon, to be honest.

You know the drill - It's always a hassle - what should I buy little Sally? Does Mike like video games? What about Beth, does she like working out? (Because I know I saw that post on Facebook about how she hates being overweight) Who the hell really knows because you only see them once a year around the holidays, and any more frequently than that and you would wind up in a federal pound me in the ass prison for killing them in their sleep.

In no particular order, I have put together a randomly selected gift list for little Sally, Mike, and Beth. Don’t blame me if they absolutely hate what you got them… seriously… it’s not my fault.

Little Sally - The Ultimate Selfie Stick
The Ultimate Selfie Stick is a MUST have for those women in their early 20s (Maybe even early 30s in some cases given society these days) who really enjoying taking selfies before they go for a night out on the town, leave the bathroom, or even something as simple as eat a cheese puff.

Are you not sure if Sally likes to take selfies? Just check her Instagram account to see how many self-absorbed pictures she’s taken of herself recently. Chances are there are probably a lot, and chances are she has a bunch that are pretty crappy quality. Enter the Ultimate Selfie Stick. The Ultimate Selfie Stick solves this problem because not only does it have a 7 foot telescoping arm that will be able to annoy the ever living shit out of anyone else within a 7 foot radius, but it has ultra-bright LED lights that can change colors based on mood, a built in fan to really work the hair, and built in filters to eliminate the need to “guess” what filter will make the picture look the best.

Be forewarned however: The Ultimate Selfie Stick only works with the latest version of the iPhone and in no way will it work with an Android device. Who even uses those things, anyway? So not cool.

If I had to look 'neck beard' up in the dictionary, this should be the picture next to its definition
Mike - The Hot Pocket Holder
Mike. You know… The neck-bearded video gamer who you call your nephew who is 16 but acts like he’s 8 and shows no sign of growing up because all he does is play video games in his pajamas and eat hot pockets like they’re going out of style. That Mike.

The Hot Pocket Holder is a sure fire way to make Mike’s terribly difficult existence even easier (As if it couldn’t have been an easier). Just think of the struggle he has when trying to eat while playing Call of Duty on his xBox 360. It’s hot, his fingers get greasy, he burns himself, he gets crumbs everywhere. Enter the Hot Pocket Holder. It attaches right to the controller itself to allow for interruption free hot pocket sessions while playing CoD. Problem solved. Now Mike’s biggest problem will be getting out of bed in the morning, and probably finding a girlfriend.

2 weeks of pull ups and you'll be looking like this in no time!
Beth - Total Upper Body Workout Bar
Ever since you saw that sad post on Facebook over the summer you have had the sneaking suspicion that Beth wants to lose weight and get into shape but doesn’t know where to go for help. You’ve had the urge to post on her wall asking her if she wants to drop a few sizes but realized that doing that might not be the best idea, and you’ve contemplated texting her but soon realized that doing so might spark up a conversation which you want to avoid.

How about using the holidays to suggest to her that she should get into shape? Get her the Total Upper Body Workout Bar to mount in her door frame. Never mind that pull ups and chin ups are almost next to impossible for a beginner to do, it doesn’t matter since you’ve seen countless infomercials proclaiming how great it is, and you’ve seen them used extensively in P90X videos that you illegally downloaded.

Make sure you encourage Beth to take a video of herself making the first attempt at using it. It can only end in the bar breaking free of its mounts and smacking out her front teeth and break her nose. And if she does, please make sure you encourage her to post the video on YouTube to "encourage" others.

We’ve got less than 20 days left until the big day so go ahead and get out there and start buying some useless crap for people you never see except around the holidays. Oh, and don’t forget… make sure you use the good old credit card to rack up the debt so you can complain about it year-round.

« Last Edit: December 07, 2016, 01:34:27 PM by Chris »
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Wunderkind

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Re: The Ultimate 2016 Christmas Gift Buying Guide for Those you Hate
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2016, 08:14:58 AM »


… make sure you use the good old credit card to rack up the debt so you can complain about it year-round.


I wish this was a joke but it is the number one answer I get as a waitress when I ask, cheerfully(and rhetorically, by the way, you waitress doesn't actually care, I just want your tip money) "Are you ready for Christmas?"

I will never understand how people do this. My grandmother, my mother, and myself have always tucked away a little bit of money each week over the course of the year to avoid this. CHRISTMAS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR. IT'S NOT GOING TO NOT HAPPEN. It's not going to get less expensive unless you want to be like my dad and go all Jehovah's Witness, we don't celebrate holidays around here, on people.
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Chris

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Re: The Ultimate 2016 Christmas Gift Buying Guide for Those you Hate
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2016, 07:48:36 AM »

I wish this was a joke but it is the number one answer I get as a waitress when I ask, cheerfully(and rhetorically, by the way, you waitress doesn't actually care, I just want your tip money) "Are you ready for Christmas?"

I will never understand how people do this. My grandmother, my mother, and myself have always tucked away a little bit of money each week over the course of the year to avoid this. CHRISTMAS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR. IT'S NOT GOING TO NOT HAPPEN. It's not going to get less expensive unless you want to be like my dad and go all Jehovah's Witness, we don't celebrate holidays around here, on people.

The best is when I would make the schedule and people would go, "I didn't realize Christmas was so soon! I can't work Christmas Eve!" I was always confused because Christmas and Christmas eve always fall on the same dates... the 24th and 25th. How does it sneak up like that?

Of course, since it was more or less a first come, first serve basis (to an extent) you would get people who would huff and puff about being on the schedule until 6 or 7 on Christmas Eve. That was par for the course, though.
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