so like this one time there were these two guys but the weren't really guys at all but VAMPRIES!! but nobody new because they stayed young all the time due to there vigerous moistereyezer routine each night. Every night when they woke up they each took a few pumps from johnson and johnson and afterwards they would then apply their moisturaizer.
      one day they met this girl who is totally not the author self inserting herself into this in order to fulfill her sad pathetic phantasies and she said "OMG PLEASE TREAT ME LIEK CRAP AND STUFF BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ALL GOOD MORMON WOMEN LOVE" and they told her "we're gay lol" and she said "no u" and then the two fagpires held hands and floo off into the night with sparklez trailing from their asses.



So, when can I expect my Hot Topic merchandising deal?

Last night I had a dream that I fucked my accountant.


Usually when it comes to taxes, it's the other way around.

My favourite Anime is that one that doesn't suck.



Haha, just kidding. They all suck.

Writing temporary tables to tembdb is for pussies. I say write 400,000+ 'temporary' tables directly to the database instead. Who gives a fuck if this causes it to grow from 17GB to 40GB?

HELL BUMP

Hannibal Lecter: You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed: pure West Virginia. What is your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to the FBI.

I sing this at work when my boss asks me his opinion about projects.

Boss So, Xolik, what do you think about ditching Active Directory in favour of Open Directory? Think you can do it in a week?

Xolik*in singsong falsetto voice* Ohhhhhhhhh, you know what you look like to meeeeee, with your good bag and your cheap shoooooooes, you look like a ruuuuuuube....

Boss....yeah, I'll just walk away now...

I loved inception... I think di-craprio's beautiful face distracted me.

His beautiful body distracted me during that stinker The Beach.

I saw "Inception". This movie, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, shoots for high philosophy, but misses the mark entirely. In fact, the only philosophical question I was pondering the entire time while watching this was "How does this guy still have a career?"

On the Xolik Blows-a-meter *pppphhhhht* Egg Salad!

Paging doctor Tee El to this thread.

today i worked up the courage to actually speak to josie in aisle 3
she kept saying things like, "did you find everything you needed sweetie?" and "here's your receipt, thanks hon!" i just smiled shyly and muttered thanks before i turned away. oh, why do i have to be so shy?

but her words played over and ever in my head. there's no way she'd say them to everyday average people; that would be too unprofessional. no, she was totally hitting on me! why else would she call me those endearing names?

well, i waited across the street from the parking lot after the store closed, and through the branches of the tree i saw her--the glorious woman that loved me but couldn't say so while on the job.

i saw her get into a 2001 blue taurus and head off to the west side of town. i followed as far as i could, but then i saw her turn left on aspen street. the next night, i waited down aspen street, and sure enough saw her blue taurus drive down. this time i was ready with my bike, so i followed her back to an average looking duplex on the corner of aspen and 32nd. this was not the cozy cottage i was envisioning for this majestic goddess of the Blue Vest.

when she went inside and turned on the lights, i crept to the side window where one blind was askew and afforded a partial view of the interior. i stared lovingly at what surely would be my future wife as she idly watched TV and drank a diet pepsi. i made a mental note that i should be seen by her drinking diet pepsi as well.

after about three hours, she got up to go to bed. since i'm a gentleman, i didn't look through her bedroom window, but instead went home thinking of all the things i'd say to her the next day! i'd ask her if she saw iron chef last night, knowing full well she did. oh, and i'd also be holding some diet pepsi.

so i went back the next day and i had a 2-liter bottle of diet pepsi in my basket along with the iron chef nintendo DS game (i figured it made for a better segue into her TV watching habits). there was another guy in line before me, and i was daydreaming about the secret passion between me and josie.

until i heard her speak the following words: "did you find everything you needed, sweetie?"

oh, how my mind raced! what did she mean by that?
was she cheating on me with this large, obviously uneducated jerk?
was she testing me?
was she actually talking to me?

yes, that had to be it! ha, oh how silly i felt when the flash of jealous anger reared, but thankfully cooler heads prevail.

i said, "yes, i got everything i needed, thanks!". that was four more words than i'd ever spoken to anyone in public, and i was feeling flushed.

josie turned her head and simply looked at me. then the man in front of me turned around with a quizzical look and said, "the fuck's your problem? you a retard or something?" then he laughed at his own hateful humor.

instantly my worldview cracked, but it was shattered when i heard a brief giggle emanate from josie's luscious lips. oh why, josie?

everything swam in and out of focus as i furiously blinked away tears of shame and humiliation. my hands let go of the basket of their own accord, and i found myself running out of the store. the last thing i heard was the sound of that....that brute's laughter and josie's chirping. of course she loved him; i should have known from the start that it was never meant to be.

i ran all the way home, burst into my bedroom and buried my face into my squirtle pillow and screamed out all of my anguish and pain. i hadn't been this consumed with grief since princess sally was killed in issue #47 of sonic the hedgehog. fortunately, i was able to reconcile my anguish back then by creating a website proclaiming my love for her. but that was back when i was 20. this time was different.
this was real life.

this is now the eleventh store i can never set foot into ever again. at least this time it's not because of those nazis at gamestop hustling me out for loitering. this time it was for love.

tl:dr

Hello!

Laptops that give you wood

p-p-p-p-p-powerbook!