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http://www.hackernetwork.com/forum/avatar.php?userid=637&dateline=1043388351">
Lacerda, News Correspondent
I’d like to take a minute and explain a few things to all the aspiring comedy writers out there on this World Wide Web.
First, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY JOB! THIS IS MY JOB YOU BASTARDS AND THE ONLY WAY YOU’LL EVER GET IT IS IF MY KEYBOARD BREAKS AND I DON’T HAVE TIME TO GO BUY A NEW ONE.
Actually, that’s probably not that difficult. Perhaps I should make it so that the only way you can get my job is if you carry me across all of Middle Earth chained to your neck and then drop me in the cracks of Mount Doom. Of course, Gollum would have to bite off your finger while you’re wearing me, and I don’t really get off on that sort of kink, so maybe not.
Second, you’re probably not funny. There are probably eight people on the entire internet that are actually funny, and at least half of those are already working at SomethingAwful. This means that you’ll have to get some kind of gimmick so that people will recognize your work, and unfortunately for the majority of you, acting like a dumbass isn’t going to cut it. You fall into the crowd like a drop of urine in a glass of ginger ale (make fun of my shirt, will you?).
Third, this job doesn’t pay anything. Sure, you get the glamour of having TENS of people read what you’ve written and you get awesome fan mail from cool people like Dr. OBEDA UGEBWA (who for some reason keeps asking for my bank account number--I think I should get a paypal account to make things easier on him), but you’re going to be living in your mom’s basement until she dies and it becomes your basement but not really because your mom’s stuff is still everywhere and you can’t get the old people fumes out.
Then--and here’s the really hard part (heh, “hard part”)--you have to pick a topic. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to pick a topic to write about in a place where people are writing about everything remotely interesting 24/7? I mean, I wrote this sort-of-funny take-off of a romance novel: you know, the ones with the hunky pirates who somehow don’t have scurvy. While I was editing it, I happened by the aforementioned funny SomethingAwful, and lo and behold (but mostly behold), one of their staff (heh, "staff") had already written the exact same damn thing! Sure, his was much better, but it still hurt. He had beaten me to the punch. Quite literally, it would seem, since when I went to take my aggravation out on the caged baby that I keep for just such purposes, it was already beaten! CHRIST!
So what’s a wannabe comedy writer to do? I suggest killing oneself. It’ll probably have worked for me. Just watch the news on July 24th and find out!
Anyway, my vaguely disturbing allusions to my future demise aside, I insist that all of you with nothing better to do take some time and send me your contributions to this site. While they might not get posted, anyone who sends something remotely funny will have the honor of getting it TOTALLY PLAGARISED! AWESOME!
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