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Submitted by TheJudgeI wanted to write a rant about idiots who have no respect for other people’s property. This is one of the few things that actually drive me up the wall. How may times have you gone to the mall and got back to your new car and see a huge dent on the door because the moron that parked next to you decided it would be a great idea if he just swung his door open and tested his hinges? Or perhaps you found a metal shopping cart right next to your car, as if it tried to sexually assault your vehicle while you were away, but only managed to make a few scratches and dents before you got back. And how frustrated do you get when that happens? And more importantly, what can you do about it? Well… Let’s start with a history lesson shall we?
September 2001: I graduate from University for the third time, I get my current job and it’s my birthday. So how does one reward himself? With a new 4x4 pickup! Yeeeh Haaawww!
Two weeks later: I walk out of the office and notice, from a distance, white paint on the passenger door. As I get closer, I notice a 4 inch long dent hiding poorly behind that new unwanted paint job. FUCK! I look around… No sign of a white car. No opportunities for retribution. FUCK!
September 2003: I got a house. I can’t afford the truck anymore so I have to downgrade. I sell the truck and get a new car.
Two weeks later: I’m on my way to work when I find myself behind a very dirty and rusty piece of shit truck.
Seconds later: Crack! Rock hits the windshield. I’m late for work so the only thing I can do at this point is curse like a maniac.
Four hours later: It’s lunch time! Yay! I have an appointment to get that little chip fixed. I get to my car. The chip is miraculously gone! Unfortunatly, it’s been replaced by a long crack. FUCK! So two weeks after I drove the car off the lot of the dealership, I have to replace and pay for a new windshield thanks to some lame ass moron who doesn’t understand the purpose of a car wash. It’s not just for CARS retard!
From then till now: Front bumper is cracked, front passenger door has one dent and a nice scratch. Rear passenger door has two dents and a few scratches. Thanks to public parking and idiots who park next to me and open their doors suddenly without thinking, thanks to fucking kids who run around my car and bang it with their new toys from the mall, thanks to shopping carts, or rather lazy bastards who can’t take the extra 5 steps to bring their carts back to their designated spot, and thanks to idiot drivers who just don’t understand the proportions of their vehicle, my new car isn’t that new anymore. All this damage and only about 20 000 miles showing on the meter. One wonders what the point of buying a new car is.
OK, so what can you do about it? Well you can swear all you want, that won’t do anything. Believe me, I’ve tried! But there are some preventive measures on can take:
- When you’re going to the mall or some other public place, don’t go for the parking that is the nearest to the door because you’ll end up being surrounded with all the lazy bastards who also want the closest spot to the door so they won’t need to walk more than necessary. These are the people that leave shopping carts lying around. Also, by being near the entrance, you are guaranteed to always end up with cars parked next to you. This increases the risks of unwanted dents. So park way at the end of the lot where there’s no one around you and no risk of having idiots leaving carts near you or banging doors on your car. But remember, shopping carts have wheels. Gravity isn’t your friend! Pick a spot where the terrain is higher.
- If you have to park next to someone, look for a parking spot next to a building. At least that way, one of your four vulnerable areas is protected. No carts will come from that direction. Also, try to pick a corner parking space. That way, you only get one neighbour instead of two. You’ve just reduced the risk of banging doors by 50%. However, one entire side of your car is now exposed to shopping carts so remember the principles of gravity.
- If you have to park next to people, park next to the new cars. The owners of old shit mobiles don’t give a fuck about damaging their own car and they certainly don’t give a fuck about damaging your car. Stay away from the rednecks. It’s that simple.
- Don’t park next to loose carts. Duh!
- Stick huge signs on your fenders when you park. They should read “Attention all morons - it would be greatly appreciated if you idiots didn’t bang your doors against me or let loose carts bang me up because then I’ll rust and my owner will want to kick your ass. Thank your for your cooperation.”
- Be a role model. If you see a cart lying around, grab it and bring it to the cart bins or whatever those things are called.
- Be the cart attendant! If you see someone getting ready to leave and they are simply going to leave the cart there, depending on your mood you can walk up next to them, give them a big friendly smile, pick up the cart and bring it where it belongs. Turn back towards them and roll your eyes. Hopefully, they will get the message.
- Be the Cart cop! Another option is to get morons to “learn by doing”. Politely ask them to take their fucking carts and bring it to the fucking bin before they leave so that they don’t cause fucking damage to other fucking vehicles.
- Give them a way to relate! You could simply walk next to their cart as they are ready to leave and give it a big push! BANG! And then say “See what happens when morons leave shopping carts lying around?” At this point, I recommend you start running!
Of course, none of these methods are fool proof and if you get shot because you shoved a cart against that new Lexus, it’s your own damn fault. The bottom line is that it just drives me nuts when other people simply don’t give a fuck about your property. I treat other people’s things as if they were my own. I expect the same thing in return and I don’t feel I’m asking for something unreasonable here.
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