The Geek Forum
Main Forums => Entertainment => Topic started by: IWantToBeFunny on October 19, 2009, 04:02:54 PM
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Do you get boo-ed off stages, or hear crickets chirp after you tell a joke? Do you KNOW someone that this happens to? Let us help you become funny!
We are a production company creating a show that could help you (or your friend out). Contact us at iwanttobefunny@gmail.com if you, or a friend or loved one wants to become funny.
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I know someone now!!
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Aw, Detta sniped my line.
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We're funny!
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How the hell am I supposed to zombocom that post if all they do is ask for Homoerotic A-Team Fan Fiction email subscriptions?
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Haha, yeah my first thought was to edit the email address but then I figured it was better to just leave it!
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ... "
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'.
Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
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Hectar!
Here's one that Needles told me.
A hillbilly takes his 12 year old daughter to the doctor for an exam. After a battery of tests the doctor finds out that she has VD. Shocked the doc asks the hillbilly "is your daughter sexually active?"
The hillbilly replies, "Sexually active? Naw, she's just like her mother and just lays there."
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A redneck has a big date coming up and needs some protection.
The pharmacist shows him the condom aisle and tells the redneck, "These are $5.99, not including tax."
"Gawd almighty!", cried the redneck. "You mean they don't stay on by themselves?"
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A redneck took his daughter to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed her with an STD.
"Is your daughter sexually active?" asked the physician.
"Aww hell no. That little bitch lays there like a dead fish, just like her maw."
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A redneck took his daughter to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed her with an STD.
"Is your daughter sexually active?" asked the physician.
"Aww hell no. That little bitch lays there like a dead fish, just like her maw."
Tonight on It's The Mind....
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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa stopped at three Ho's.
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What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
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Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNT5zvd3g2M#noexternalembed&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNT5zvd3g2M#noexternalembed&feature=player_embedded)
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What did Batman say to Robin before Robin got in the Batmobile?
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Wait for it...
"Get in the Batmobile, Robin"
Damn right he did.
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:-D This is nice.. thanks for sharing guys...
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Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in Harlem?
One was a salted.
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Two canibals are eating a clown corpse when one looks up and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
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A GREAT Rolling Stones story from Ron Wood: 'We were doing drugs in the dressing room when suddenly the tour manager stuck his head in the door and said, "the police are here!" We all panicked and threw our drugs in the toilet. And then Sting, Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland walked in. :)
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LOL!
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Hectar! Even.
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(http://www.guildhaven.org/images/lolgifs/maplol_syrup.gif)
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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the the Corvette.
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard-- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said:
"Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
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A wife's love
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> A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
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> He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
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> With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
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> There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
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> Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
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> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
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> "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
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I keep misreading the subject of this thread as Do You KNow Someone Who Isn't Furry?
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I'm pretty furry, but I'm not a furry.
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LMAO!!! Did you hear the one about the guy who had trouble loading Google using Firefox?
He had to run Spybot, and undo the DNS hijack in his Network settings!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
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A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies,
"If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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HECTAR!!!
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Chortling HECTAR!
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
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Ha!
Edit: Oh, and a joke:
An Episcopalian church deacon walks into his therapists office one afternoon, and complains of some marital issues.
"My wife wants to expand our sex life, she's quite adventurous, but I am having a lot of trouble going along with what she wants," he tells the doc. The doc inquires what interests his wife.
"She wants to get involved with groups, orgies - the swinger life style!" the troubled man opines. The doctor nods, and asks if this prompts feelings of jealousy or insecurity in the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "but my hand gets so worn out writing all the thank you notes afterwards!"
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I guess that should be a rector, not a deacon. Anyway, one more:
Guy is on a train, frantically running through all the cars.
"Help! Help!" he is yelling, "is there a Priest on this train? A catholic priest?"
Up and down the length of the train he goes, to no avail - priests are not in supply. Then, he makes another circuit, shouting: "Is there a rabbi!? A rabbi on this train?" But again, there appears to be no such individual on board. He makes yet another circuit - "Help!" he cries, "is there an Anglican clergyman aboard? Any at all?"
The whole length of the train, he finds no such Anglican. Finally, as he stops at the last car and sighs, a man tugs his sleeve and says that he's a Presbyterian minister, and asks if he can help. The man turns to him, and gives him a short look.
"No, pastor, that's no good - we're looking for a corkscrew."
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HECTAR!
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HECTAR!
concurred
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A few old Soviet jokes from a random old Soviet joke site:
Однажды в городе появился попугай. Летает везде и кричит всякие гадости про советское правительство. Дошло это и до Большого дома. Обходят владельцев говорящих попугаев. Приходят к одному чудаку, он открывает дверь:
- Здравствуйте.
- Здравствуйте. У Вас есть попугай?
- Да.
- Можно на него посмотреть?
- Пожалуйста.
Приглашает их чудак на кухню, открывает холодильник и достает оттуда попугая. Попугай сидит весь нахохлившийся, клюв под крыло засунул и, мелко так, дрожит.
- А он говорящий?
- Да, говорящий, спрашивайте, о чем хотите.
- Ну-ка, Попка, скажи нам чего-нибудь.
Попугай:
- Долой американских империалистов!!! Да здравствует наша родная Коммунистическая Партия во главе ... (ну, и так далее)!!!
Товарищи говорят:
- Гляди-ка ты, какая умная птица!
Ушли. Хозяин проводил их, дверь закрыл, возвращается на кухню и говорит попугаю:
- Ну что, дурак, понял, что такое Воркута?
В СССР самая высокая секретность. Во Франции на одном заводе не знают, что делают на другом в той же фирме. В Англии в одной лаборатории не знают, что делают в другой, в соседней. В США сотрудник не знает, что делают за другим столом. У нас сотрудник сам не знает, что он делает.
Еврей объясняет в ОВИР, что две причины заставляют его поехать в Израиль:
- Первая причина - мой сосед говорит мне: "Погоди, жидовская морда, как только советская власть кончится, в тот же день тебя зарежу!"
- Чего же вам бояться? Советская власть никогда не кончится!
- Вот, вот! Это и есть вторая причина.
- Когда состоялись первые советские выборы?
- Когда бог поставил перед Адамом Еву и сказал: "Выбирай себе жену!"
So this parrot starts flying around the city, spewing the most vile seditious rhetoric against the local Soviet administration. News of this reached the Big House. Known parrot owners were visited. Finally they get to this one guy's appartment and knock on the door. He opens it:
"Hello."
"Hello. Do you own a parrot?"
"Yes."
"Can we see it?"
"Sure."
The parrot owner takes the apparatchiks to his kitchen, opens the refrigerator, reaches in and takes out a parrot. The poor bird has his feathers ruffled, beak tucked under wing, shivering.
"Does it talk?"
"Ya, sure. Come on, Polly, say something."
"D-D-D-DOWN WITH AM-M-M-M-ERICAN IMPERIALISTS! LONG LIVE OUR G-G-G-GLORIOUS COMMUNIST PARTY!"
"What a smart bird!" the apparatchiks say.
The parrot owner sees them to the door, shuts it, and returns to the kitchen.
"So, you stupid bird, I guess you understand what I mean by "Siberian Gulag", eh?
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The USSR has the highest level of security in the world. In France, one factory owned by a firm doesn't know what another factory owned by the same firm is doing. In England, one laboratory does not know what a neighboring laboratory is doing. In the US, a worker does not know what his coworkers are doing. But here in the USSR, a worker doesn't know what HE is doing.
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A Jew is explaining to an OVIR (department of visas and registration) bureaucrat that he has two reasons why he should be allowed to emigrate to Israel:
"Reason one: my neighbor is an anti-semite who routinely says to me "Just wait, as soon as the Soviet regime ends, I will cut you to ribbons!"
The bureaucrat replies, "So what are you afraid of? The Soviet regime will never end!"
"That's the second reason."
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Q. When were the first Soviet elections held?
A. When God presented Eve to Adam and said, "Choose your wife."
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So this nice Jewish gentleman decides to do some sun bathing on the beach, and spreads his towel near a rather nice looking lady. The lady peeks over her sunglasses at him, and, impressed by his good looks, starts up a conversation.
She: "Hello... Do you come here often?"
He: "Oh, now and again. "
She: "Are you from out of town?"
He: "No, I own a condo not far from here."
She: "Oh, so you're married?"
He: "No, widower."
She: "Oh, I'm sorry.
He: "It was a long time ago."
She: "Oh, I see. What do you for a living?"
He: "I'm retired."
She: "Ah. Any hobbies? Do you like to read? Go to the movies?"
He: "Sure, I like the movies."
She: "Restaurants? Fine dining?"
He: "Yes, sure."
She: "Pets? Dogs?"
He: "I had a dog. He died recently."
She: "Oh, I'm sorry."
He: "Yes, I loved him very much."
She: "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw himself upon her, tore off her bathing suit, and made mad passionate love to her for fifteen minutes. Exhausted, he rolled off and lit a cigarette.
She: "Wow! That was wonderful! How did you know I needed that?"
He: "How did you know my name is Katz?"
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So this guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating." And the guy says, "Stop masturbating? Why do I have to stop masturbating?" And the doctor says, "So I can examine you."
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Great :-D
Bill and Bob are on a train and they pass a field of sheep.
Bill " I wonder how many sheep there are in that field?"
Bob "One hundred and fifty three"
Bill "How did you manage to count them so fast?"
Bob "That was easy, I just counted their legs and divided by four"
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If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41
miles to the gallon!
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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and...... keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus...... he's screwing me."
"You got that right, lady," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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:lol: +1
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
Talking Dog for Sale
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
"Well, I discovered this gift when I was still pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?
The owner replies, "Eh, he's full of it. He never did any of that stuff."
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
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OH ROB!!!!
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Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures
of the two 100 year old twins.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD!! - BOTH OF US?"
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Where the hell did you find that 12?
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Where the hell did you find that 12?
Email
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I just spent the last half an hour looking through my email and I couldn't find it.
YOU LIE.
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I couldn't find it in yours, either.
Found it in Hammy's tho. He sees everything.
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Shifty you need to check your hidden folder tree, open up the MSO folder, and sort by date. You should find it right around 3:14pm on 1/5/926
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Shifty you need to check your hidden folder tree, open up the MSO folder, and sort by date. You should find it right around 3:14pm on 1/5/926
This forum's been around awhile eh?
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It's an old joke.
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You old old joke jokester you.
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You old old joke jokester you.
You old old old joke jokester jokester you!
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you old old joke joke jokester jokester you you
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10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
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.
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10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
Hopefully Kevin Bacon doesn't die.
That would be horrible.
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Herman Cain walks into a bar with a baby seal and gropes a woman.
Bartender axs "whaddaya have?"
Babay seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club"