Jerk Off Etiquette -
To begin with, get comfortable and plan to spend some quality time with
your penis. There is no need to rush, get to know the little guy. Find
out what HE wants and desires!!
Now... lock the doors, drop the shades, look to the left, then to the
right. When it all feels right and you are sure you are alone....
WHIP IT OUT!!!
1) First, setup a general plan of the pictures you are going to use on
your Jerk Off Journey. Starting with "Turn me on and ending with the
LOAD BLOWER"!!!
2) Make SURE you put them in proper order so as to stimulate you thru
the entire process!! And then Stick to the order!!! You want practice
time here, so don't rush. Remember...Quality time.
3) NOW.... find your lube!!! Soap, spit, WD-40, or 50 weight. (When
selecting a lube, make sure you match it to your style. IE spit for you
average jerkers, all the way up to 50 weight for you Palm Pounding
Sludge Slingers)
4) Apply lube generously to penis, both hands... YES BOTH HANDS!! You
never know when you may want to switch hit. Oh yes, and don't forget the
hanging twins!! Balls need love too!!
5) NOW!!! You're all lubed up. Now is the time to begin your Journey
down the ole Pleasure Highway. STAY CALM FOR CHRIST SAKE!
6) Begin with slow, open fingered strokes. Gliding your hand over it,
kind of like you would a Hurst Shifter on a '68 Javlin. Feel the power;
let it grow at its own pace.
7) It's ok to look down at your penis for short periods of time, but
remember to stay FOCUSED on the pussy on your computer screen. Your hand
IS the pussy now. Repeat, Your hand IS the pussy now.
Closing your eyes is permitted if you would like to picture the body
you are looking at with the head of your wife, girlfriend, neighbor, or
pretty much any chick you have ever seen. But, be reasonable. Match the
head as close to the original body as is possible, Like...don't put
Rosie O'Donnell's head on Kristy Alley's body and so fourth or if in
reality she ever does decide to fuck you, you won't be so disappointed.
9) Advanced move, TWO hands!! By now, I am sure, you are in a standard
pud whacker mode....
WANT A BLOWJOB??
Switch hands; try entering the thumb and forefinger end first, and oh
YES!!! Your dick really DOES feel bigger in the other hand.
10) Massage them balls, let the little fellows know you really care.
Balls are people too...the ole sludge sacs are sensitive...Use them.....
11) Now...in this computer age two hands are possible ... you can stick
the middle finger of your old page flipper hand up your ass and never
miss a beat.
12) NOW, you're ready for the orgasm!!
Slobber
Spit
Holler
Kick shit!!
Who gives a shit if you embarrass yourself, who's gonna know?
13) Blowing your load!! Aim for her face, it may be the only chance you
will ever get to do that. Say rude shit, like "Take that bitch!!" "Who's
my Daddy?"," SUCK THE SNOT END OF MY FUCK STICK BABY!!!!!"
!!!CAUTION!!!
Be very careful not to dribble into your keyboard, remember, this is the
beginning of a beautiful relationship between you and your penis. You
don't want to be out all that money replacing expensive computer
components because of him, he'd be no better than a woman if this
happened. (Expensive date)
14) NOW!!! Spend some after jerk time with your penis; after all, he
just gave his all to insure that you had a fun evening. Compliment him,
call him "Big Guy", oh he hears you!! Let him hang out on you for a bit,
and don't forget your balls, they worked hard so you wouldn't have to!!
15) And FINALLY!! Tell a friend!! Hell, tell two friends, this builds
confidence between you and your penis. And you will be surprised at how
many of them do it too!! Jerking off can be as fun as a real fuck if you
use a little imagination and take the time to do it right. And the
variations are endless. This is just a small sample to get you started.
In the future as your experience and confidence grows you can fuck
fruit, pillows, wadded up panties, stuffed animals...when you get good,
open the shades, let the neighbors watch, invite over friends, call
strangers, PUBLIC JERKING!!! Oh the possibilities are endless...
In short...When someone tells you to "GO FUCK YOURSELF"!! DO IT!!!
You'll be glad you did.
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