Topic: Conan, what is worst in life? (Read 4884 times)

MISTER MASSACRE · « **on:** August 22, 2011, 12:12:54 PM »

It might not be the new Conan the Barbarian movie, but it's a close second. Spoilers are probably the worst thing, so stop reading now if you don't like them.

I had the opportunity to pay money and sit in a theatre with my eyes open and watch Conan the Barbarian (2011) starring Khal Drogo, Hellboy, and what used to be Rose McGowan.

The movie's plot initially runs parallel to the original movie. Conan's stupid quaint little barbarian village is attacked by an evil warlord and his parents are amusingly killed; first his pregnant mother gets all stabbed during battle, leading Ron Perlman to thrust a gross baby aloft in the air and yell. Later, his village is attacked by the evil warlord once again, and this time Conan's dad gets totally covered in molten metal, which honestly was pretty metal.

Young Conan—better than all the other barbarians at running around with an intact quail egg in his mouth and decapitating people—is left alone in the world, and begins wandering around having adventures.

His adventures are stupid.

Let's say you're Conan and you want to free some slaves. Presumably you want the freed slaves to be alive.

Do you roll gigantic boulders down on the slavers' camp? Keep in mind the slaves are all chained together and weak and not really runners. Sounding like a bad plan, right? NOT IN THIS MOVIE! It all turns out okay since they were rolling slaver-seeking boulders and only slavers die and all the hot topless slaves want to fuck you! WICKED!

Eventually Conan gets wind of the people who killed his people killing other people. I should probably have mentioned the evil warlord Zym ("OF DOOOOOOOM") is searching for the last descendant of a necromancer's bloodline so he can activate his evil anus mask of Acheron. His sorceress daughter (Rose McGowan) who looks like what would happen if Lady Gaga had a baby with a Star Trek alien, wants to take her mother's place/her father's dong and does everything she can (running her metal claws on the ground) to help him find the mask.

Zym and his five-headed daughter find the monastery where the girl who holds the bloodline of the necrom oh jesus I can't do this anymore this movie is stupid and Conan is constantly throwing his sword into the ground and no one can even say his name right

CONCLUSION:

This movie is fun to make fun of with friends and doesn't really have anything to do with Conan.

Demosthenes · « **Reply #1 on:** August 22, 2011, 12:18:51 PM »

And this is what I've been afraid of ever since the very first trailers were released for this steaming pile.

So tell me... was there ANY of Robert E. Howard at all in this? Or was it, as the trailers appeared, just a movie based on the cover of a "Conan" book?

MISTER MASSACRE · « **Reply #2 on:** August 22, 2011, 12:23:47 PM »

I'm pretty sure the rotating coffin in the graveyard scene was marked as "Robert E. Howard"

Fake edit: a lot of the costumes and scenery were reminiscent of Conan, but in terms of actual plot/character/feel? Not so much.

Wunderkind · « **Reply #3 on:** August 22, 2011, 01:21:03 PM »

Yet another movie I will not be watching.
*hangs up next to Clash of the [non]Titans and The Watchmen*

ivan · « **Reply #4 on:** August 22, 2011, 01:48:37 PM »

Normally, one reads a movie review to better appreciate a movie.

But with a Lacerda review, one must see the movie to better appreciate the review.

Also, shouldn't it be Ronan the Barbarian?

MISTER MASSACRE · « **Reply #5 on:** August 22, 2011, 01:58:23 PM »

When this movie comes out for download I have intentions of MST3King it so if you just wait until then you can get both at once!

Skananabittles · « **Reply #6 on:** August 22, 2011, 03:04:20 PM »

Nothing can beat this,and so, should never try.

pbsaurus · « **Reply #7 on:** August 22, 2011, 04:16:03 PM »

Quote from: Juggstown Massacre on August 22, 2011, 01:58:23 PM

When this movie comes out for download I have intentions of MST3King it so if you just wait until then you can get both at once!

Now that I would watch.

SassyPants · « **Reply #8 on:** August 25, 2011, 08:57:45 AM »

Quote from: Juggstown Massacre on August 22, 2011, 01:58:23 PM

When this movie comes out for download I have intentions of MST3King it so if you just wait until then you can get both at once!

I'm definitely intrigued!

I just had my first Rifftrax Live experience a week ago. Sooo good. There was a great turnout too. I'm a big MST3K fan & rarely meet anyone who appreciates it, so it was pretty cool to be surrounded by others.

ivan · « **Reply #9 on:** August 25, 2011, 10:54:10 AM »

Quote from: SassyPants on August 25, 2011, 08:57:45 AM

I'm definitely intrigued!

I just had my first Rifftrax Live experience a week ago. Sooo good. There was a great turnout too. I'm a big MST3K fan & rarely meet anyone who appreciates it, so it was pretty cool to be surrounded by others.

We almost went to see Cinematic Titanic the last time they were in SoCal, but had a schedule conflict.

I followed Frank Conniff on Twitter recently. That's how I found out he's a writer and participant on the Jimmy Dore radio show, produced in LA and aired on Pacifica (that should tell you something about his, and I suppose my, politics). So I've been listening to podcasts of the show, and, yes, Frank frequently makes me LOL out loud as I'm driving along the freeway. What a wonderful world it is.

Frank also co-created Cartoon Dump, an on-line video series that makes fun of childrens' cartoon TV shows, and features some godawful cartoons from the past. Once a month, Frank and the troup perform a live version of Cartoon Dump at the Steve Allen Theater in LA. Since my entire family are MST3K/CT fans, this will be a family excursion in the near future -- especially after we found out that Joel has recently joined the live theater cast!

It's good to have my old friends back.

Anyway, if you are a true MST3K fan, you should definitely ask Mr_Shifty, aka Member #939, to tell you a few stories, if he is so inclined.

Edit: Heh, a clip of the live Cartoon Dump, with Joel as Dumpster Dan.

Demosthenes · « **Reply #10 on:** August 25, 2011, 12:38:05 PM »

TV's Frank is made of awesome. So are Mike Nelson, Joel Hodgson, Mary Jo Piehl, Trace, and all the other former MSTKians.

SassyPants · « **Reply #11 on:** August 29, 2011, 07:08:31 AM »

Quote from: ivan on August 25, 2011, 10:54:10 AM

Frank also co-created Cartoon Dump, an on-line video series that makes fun of childrens' cartoon TV shows, and features some godawful cartoons from the past. Once a month, Frank and the troup perform a live version of Cartoon Dump at the Steve Allen Theater in LA. Since my entire family are MST3K/CT fans, this will be a family excursion in the near future -- especially after we found out that Joel has recently joined the live theater cast!

I'll definitely be finding him in the Twitterverse!

I'd never heard of Cartoon Dump until you mentioned it. Looks like I would have found out about it if I'd perused the the Rifftrax forums. I see you can buy the episodes. Another MST3K-related addiction is fine by me!

I didn't get into MST3K 'til I could grasp @ least 50% of the humor (around age ten), but since then, I've been hooked. Didn't catch Frank, Joel, etc. when they originally aired, which is just as well, b/c I was a little older/wiser by the time I caught the bulk of the series. I have all the box sets & I actually received a Tom Servo replica a couple Christmases ago. Heh That may be more sad than cool... not really sure. I have a handful of friends/family who enjoy the series. That I can geek out w/people on here about it, too, makes me giddy.

So Member #939, is it? What are these stories I hear of?

Demosthenes · « **Reply #12 on:** August 29, 2011, 10:03:50 AM »

Nothing too crazy. I'm from Minnesota, and I started watching MST3K back when it was on a local indy TV channel (KTMA TV-23!).

It was apparent from the very first W.T.F.-inducing episode that this was something special, so I started taping it starting with the second one.

The show developed a hardcore local following and they started a fan club, which I joined. I'm member #939, still have my membership card.

As a fan club member, I got the opportunity to be in the studio audience of a live taping of an episode, which was pretty cool. Got to meet Joel, and Mike (who at the time was a writer) and the other cast at the time, including the original Tom Servo (Josh Weinstein, if memory serves), and Trace Beaulieu.

Joel Hodgson also shot a pilot for a syndicated sketch comedy show (must have been around 1989-ish) that I was also able to attend (the show was never picked up, though the pilot was pretty funny). That show was produced by stand up comedian Scott Hansen, who I think may have actually been an uncredited producer for some of the original MST3K episodes as well.

Mary Jo wasn't involved in MST3K until years later, but I got to know her kind of by accident, as she's from Minnesota as well, and is a friend of a friend of mine. She still shows up at parties of his from time to time.

Anyway, I remember being pretty shocked to discover that people with whom I served in the US Navy -- who were from all over the US -- knew about MST3K (this would have been in 1994 when I first encountered this). I was unaware at the time that the show had been picked up by Comedy Central and was airing nationwide on cable.

I remember thinking "W.T.F.? This little show? Really?".

I'm glad that it managed to achieve more than local cult status though. It's still one of the best shows that was ever on television, hands down.

SassyPants · « **Reply #13 on:** August 30, 2011, 02:19:45 PM »

Quote from: Mr_Shifty on August 29, 2011, 10:03:50 AM

I'm glad that it managed to achieve more than local cult status though. It's still one of the best shows that was ever on television, hands down.

Indeed.

Every time the little "MST3K info" thing pops up in the lower left-hand corner, I get a bit sad knowing that it's long since over.

Neat story, for sure.

MISTER MASSACRE · « **Reply #14 on:** August 30, 2011, 02:41:23 PM »

MST3K will never die just so long as we hold Trumpy in our hearts.

ivan · « **Reply #15 on:** August 30, 2011, 03:53:03 PM »

Quote from: Juggstown Massacre on August 30, 2011, 02:41:23 PM

MST3K will never die just so long as we hold Trumpy in our hearts.

With a pickle mind,
We kick the nipple beer,
Steady as a goat,
We’re flying over trout

Ghetto down the highway at the speed of light,
All I want to feel now is the wind in my eyes!
A sack of monkeys in my pocket…my sister’s ready to go!

Hear the engines roll, now!
Idiot control, now!
Hideous control, now!
Nitty on the road, now!
Midi in control, wheels on fire, burning rubber tires!

Near each other rolls now!
He really loves me, go now!
Needy inches bow down!
Pity and a poor boy!
Hear the engines roll, bees on pie, burning rubber tires!

OK (IT STINKS)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UH_Tr6SgGo&feature=related

ivan · « **Reply #16 on:** August 30, 2011, 05:40:31 PM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfYDcbcufq4&feature=related

0:51:00 - 0:52:00... He tried to kill me with a forklift! HUZZAH!

Demosthenes · « **Reply #17 on:** August 30, 2011, 06:05:16 PM »

A sack of monkeys in my pocket!

Damn you, Ivan, now I'm going to have to bust out my "Pod People" DVD. Maybe followed by some Cave Dwellers.

SassyPants · « **Reply #18 on:** September 07, 2011, 12:52:26 PM »

Quote from: Mr_Shifty on August 30, 2011, 06:05:16 PM

A sack of monkeys in my pocket!

Damn you, Ivan, now I'm going to have to bust out my "Pod People" DVD. Maybe followed by some Cave Dwellers.

Ha Cave Dwellers... Forgot about that one.

Hey, it's the cast party for Cats! It's Betty Buckley & she's eating Dick Van Patten!

Demosthenes · « **Reply #19 on:** September 07, 2011, 02:03:25 PM »

No! NOOOO!

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