Topic: Joke of the day (Read 32867 times)

Anonymous · « **on:** December 12, 2002, 08:26:15 AM »

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are
you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Well it needs ironing," "What's for Dinner?"

Jon · « **Reply #1 on:** December 14, 2002, 10:48:54 AM »

Heard it. My uncle has this on the back of some shirt he got for christmas one year.

Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You
don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a
high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe
later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull
Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.

Binoboy · « **Reply #2 on:** December 14, 2002, 12:52:25 PM »

'scaly what size shirt would that fit on?

Yes, I've seen that in flash form many times....

Banshee · « **Reply #3 on:** December 14, 2002, 04:15:20 PM »

Jack Schitt is a funny flash cartoon, which is probably where that came from. I'll upload it to the file server.

rotgut · « **Reply #4 on:** February 08, 2003, 08:42:05 AM »

A homosexual goes to church, and the vicar greets him at the door and asks him if he would like to chose three hymns?

The homosexual's eyes immediately light up, and he say's to the vicar - "Oh, yes please! I'll have him sitting at the front of the congregation, him sitting in the middle, and him sitting at the back"!

hob goblin · « **Reply #5 on:** February 08, 2003, 01:10:18 PM »

Two old men are sitting in a nursing home. One says to the other "I bet you mine is longer soft." The other one says "You're on, how long is yours soft." The first says "About thirty years."

rotgut · « **Reply #6 on:** February 09, 2003, 09:46:21 AM »

An old man aged 95 goes into a nursing home, and the nubile young nurse immediately takes a fancy to him.

"You seem like a nice old man", she says "would you like some super sex"?

The old man replied "I think at my age I had better choose the soup my dear"!

Anonymous · « **Reply #7 on:** February 10, 2003, 10:28:06 AM »

Quote from: rotgut

An old man aged 95 goes into a nursing home, and the nubile young nurse immediately takes a fancy to him.

"You seem like a nice old man", she says "would you like some super sex"?

The old man replied "I think at my age I had better choose the soup my dear"!

ouch...

rotgut · « **Reply #8 on:** February 10, 2003, 01:34:21 PM »

Joke Of The Day:-

Mary Poppins goes into a pub and asks for a meal.

The Barman asks her what she would like - "Cauliflower Cheese and 2 Eggs" replies Mary Poppins.

That's a strange meal to order thinks the barman, but since it's Mary Poppins I had better give her what she asks for.

When Mary Poppins had finished, the Barman asked her if she had enjoyed her meal.

Mary Poppins replied "Super cauliflower cheese, but the eggs were quite atrocious"!

Anonymous · « **Reply #9 on:** February 10, 2003, 02:43:28 PM »

Quote from: rotgut

Joke Of The Day:-

Mary Poppins goes into a pub and asks for a meal.

The Barman asks her what she would like - "Cauliflower Cheese and 2 Eggs" replies Mary Poppins.

That's a strange meal to order thinks the barman, but since it's Mary Poppins I had better give her what she asks for.

When Mary Poppins had finished, the Barman asked her if she had enjoyed her meal.

Mary Poppins replied "Super cauliflower cheese, but the eggs were quite atrocious"!

double ouch

Jon · « **Reply #10 on:** February 10, 2003, 03:41:06 PM »

Quote from: Banshee

Jack Schitt is a funny flash cartoon, which is probably where that came from. I'll upload it to the file server.

No dude, the shirts older than flash.

Banshee · « **Reply #11 on:** February 10, 2003, 05:24:35 PM »

Oh man, am I in for it now.

rotgut · « **Reply #12 on:** February 11, 2003, 01:16:18 PM »

Rotgut's Joke of the Day!

A man suffering from constipation visits his doctor for a cure for the problem.

The doctor prescribes him some medication, but tells the man that he will have to allow him to put his finger up his behind to "loosen things up a bit first".

Reluctantly the man agrees and so turns around so as to let the doctor put his finger up, and when he goes home he tells his wife what the doctor has done.

His wife then said she would try the same thing as the doctor, so she tells her husband to pull down his pants, then puts one hand on his shoulder, and duly puts her finger up his behind.

With that, her husband goes extremely pale all of a sudden.

"What's the problem", said his wife, "am I hurting you"?.

"No", said her husband "I've just realised the doctor had both his hands on my shoulder when he put his finger up me"!

rotgut · « **Reply #13 on:** February 12, 2003, 01:13:53 PM »

I'm back folks! Here is THE Joke of the Day!

Young Johnnie dresses up as a pirate to go to a fancy dress party, and on the way to the party he meets with his nosey Auntie Ann.

"Hi,Johnnie", says Auntie Ann, "you make a very good pirate, but I must ask you just one question".

"What is that"? replied young Johnnie.

"Where are your buccaneers"? said Auntie Ann.

Johnnie replied "underneath my buccan hat, you nosey old woman, where do you think they are"?!

Banshee · « **Reply #14 on:** February 12, 2003, 06:53:24 PM »

Sorry, but that one was totally un-funny.

Jon · « **Reply #15 on:** February 13, 2003, 06:35:20 AM »

::cough cough::

rotgut · « **Reply #16 on:** February 13, 2003, 03:34:09 PM »

Bill Gates, President Bush, The Pope and a 12 year old girl were on board a 'plane that was going to crash in a few minutes.

There were only 3 parachutes on board, so The Pope suggested that everyone should put their reasons why each should live:

Bill Gates said "I invented the most revolutionary concept of the past 50 years, Microsoft Windows, and have benefitted businesses and individuals all around the world many times over, so I should live because my contribution to man-kind has been immense".

President Bush said "I am one of the most intelligent men ever born, and I rule over the biggest super power in the world, I should live because my contribution to man-kind is also immense".

The Pope agrees that these two men should live, and gives them both his blessing to jump from the 'plane, each with a parachute on.

The Pope then turns to the 12 year old girl and says to her"I am over 80 years of age, and I am in failing health, so I think you should take the other parachute because you are young and have your whole life in front of you.

The young girl then says to The Pope"We can both live by jumping from this 'plane"

"How"?, said the Pope, "there is only one parachute left".

"No there is not", said the young girl, "President Bush has just jumped off the 'plane with my schoolbag on his back"!

rotgut · « **Reply #17 on:** February 14, 2003, 02:43:50 PM »

Hi there folks - for a change, just a few short jokes - enjoy!

What did the hippy do when he saw a spaceman in the car park?
He parked in it man!

How do you circumsize a whale?
Send down foreskin divers!

How do you confuse the American President?
Give him 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick!

How do you further confuse the American President?
Put him in a circle, and tell him to p**s in the corner?

Anonymous · « **Reply #18 on:** February 14, 2003, 02:55:06 PM »

How do you give a reality check to rotgut?

Tell him his jokes are really lame.

MISTER MASSACRE · « **Reply #19 on:** February 14, 2003, 06:15:49 PM »

You censored the word 'piss'?

Jon · « **Reply #20 on:** February 14, 2003, 08:22:14 PM »

Weird Tingly Feeling? I was actually waiting for that Bush, pope, gates one to end well. But it didnt.

rotgut · « **Reply #21 on:** February 15, 2003, 04:19:16 AM »

Reference the comments about the jokes, especially from you, Judge.

I'm sorry that they are not up to much, but the good news is that they will become less frequent over the next few weeks - running out of material!
( Thank goodness for that I can hear them say )!

One thing we are both agreed upon, though, Judge, is aptly summed up by the French Essayist Voltaire "I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the last your right to say it"!

Now, on with today's joke!

A 90 year old man is sitting on a seat in Central Park, crying his eyes out. A young man walking past him then stops to ask him what is wrong.

"Well", the old man mumbles, "I've won 50 million dollars on the state lottery, I've bought the plushest mansion on Manhattan and I'm now married to the super model, Caprice".

"Then what on earth are you crying for"?, asks the young man.

"I've forgotten where I live", said the old man!

Banshee · « **Reply #22 on:** February 15, 2003, 09:02:10 AM »

Ha. I give you one laugh.

rotgut · « **Reply #23 on:** February 16, 2003, 11:12:42 AM »

An attractive girl goes to her doctor in a panic and says to him - "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pills"!

The Doctor replies "Surely you mean your contraceptive pills"?

"No", the girl replied, "I mean my contradictory pills, what shall I do"?

The doctor then replied "My dear, I've come to the conclusion that you are ignorant"!

"I know", the girl replied "2 months"!

Binoboy · « **Reply #24 on:** February 16, 2003, 02:22:01 PM »

*crickets chirp*
Errrr....

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