Topic: Do You KNow Someone Who Isn't Funny? (Read 14442 times)

Demosthenes · « **Reply #25 on:** February 11, 2010, 05:20:25 PM »

I keep misreading the subject of this thread as Do You KNow Someone Who Isn't Furry?

pbsaurus · « **Reply #26 on:** February 11, 2010, 05:21:40 PM »

I'm pretty furry, but I'm not a furry.

12AX7 · « **Reply #27 on:** February 16, 2010, 12:36:51 PM »

LMAO!!! Did you hear the one about the guy who had trouble loading Google using Firefox?

He had to run Spybot, and undo the DNS hijack in his Network settings!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!

12AX7 · « **Reply #28 on:** February 28, 2010, 02:30:16 PM »

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies,

"If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Min · « **Reply #29 on:** February 28, 2010, 08:51:21 PM »

HECTAR!!!

pbsaurus · « **Reply #30 on:** March 01, 2010, 02:03:41 PM »

Chortling HECTAR!

12AX7 · « **Reply #31 on:** March 08, 2010, 06:05:09 AM »

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

LuciferSam · « **Reply #32 on:** March 08, 2010, 05:29:05 PM »

Ha!

Edit: Oh, and a joke:

An Episcopalian church deacon walks into his therapists office one afternoon, and complains of some marital issues.

"My wife wants to expand our sex life, she's quite adventurous, but I am having a lot of trouble going along with what she wants," he tells the doc. The doc inquires what interests his wife.

"She wants to get involved with groups, orgies - the swinger life style!" the troubled man opines. The doctor nods, and asks if this prompts feelings of jealousy or insecurity in the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "but my hand gets so worn out writing all the thank you notes afterwards!"

LuciferSam · « **Reply #33 on:** March 08, 2010, 06:13:25 PM »

I guess that should be a rector, not a deacon. Anyway, one more:

Guy is on a train, frantically running through all the cars.
"Help! Help!" he is yelling, "is there a Priest on this train? A catholic priest?"
Up and down the length of the train he goes, to no avail - priests are not in supply. Then, he makes another circuit, shouting: "Is there a rabbi!? A rabbi on this train?" But again, there appears to be no such individual on board. He makes yet another circuit - "Help!" he cries, "is there an Anglican clergyman aboard? Any at all?"

The whole length of the train, he finds no such Anglican. Finally, as he stops at the last car and sighs, a man tugs his sleeve and says that he's a Presbyterian minister, and asks if he can help. The man turns to him, and gives him a short look.

"No, pastor, that's no good - we're looking for a corkscrew."

pbsaurus · « **Reply #34 on:** March 09, 2010, 02:10:24 PM »

HECTAR!

ivan · « **Reply #35 on:** March 10, 2010, 02:15:29 AM »

Quote from: pbsaurus on March 09, 2010, 02:10:24 PM

HECTAR!

concurred

ivan · « **Reply #36 on:** March 10, 2010, 03:28:50 AM »

A few old Soviet jokes from a random old Soviet joke site:

Однажды в городе появился попугай. Летает везде и кричит всякие гадости про советское правительство. Дошло это и до Большого дома. Обходят владельцев говорящих попугаев. Приходят к одному чудаку, он открывает дверь:
- Здравствуйте.
- Здравствуйте. У Вас есть попугай?
- Да.
- Можно на него посмотреть?
- Пожалуйста.
Приглашает их чудак на кухню, открывает холодильник и достает оттуда попугая. Попугай сидит весь нахохлившийся, клюв под крыло засунул и, мелко так, дрожит.
- А он говорящий?
- Да, говорящий, спрашивайте, о чем хотите.
- Ну-ка, Попка, скажи нам чего-нибудь.
Попугай:
- Долой американских империалистов!!! Да здравствует наша родная Коммунистическая Партия во главе ... (ну, и так далее)!!!
Товарищи говорят:
- Гляди-ка ты, какая умная птица!
Ушли. Хозяин проводил их, дверь закрыл, возвращается на кухню и говорит попугаю:
- Ну что, дурак, понял, что такое Воркута?

В СССР самая высокая секретность. Во Франции на одном заводе не знают, что делают на другом в той же фирме. В Англии в одной лаборатории не знают, что делают в другой, в соседней. В США сотрудник не знает, что делают за другим столом. У нас сотрудник сам не знает, что он делает.

Еврей объясняет в ОВИР, что две причины заставляют его поехать в Израиль:
- Первая причина - мой сосед говорит мне: "Погоди, жидовская морда, как только советская власть кончится, в тот же день тебя зарежу!"
- Чего же вам бояться? Советская власть никогда не кончится!
- Вот, вот! Это и есть вторая причина.

- Когда состоялись первые советские выборы?
- Когда бог поставил перед Адамом Еву и сказал: "Выбирай себе жену!"

So this parrot starts flying around the city, spewing the most vile seditious rhetoric against the local Soviet administration. News of this reached the Big House. Known parrot owners were visited. Finally they get to this one guy's appartment and knock on the door. He opens it:

"Hello."
"Hello. Do you own a parrot?"
"Yes."
"Can we see it?"
"Sure."
The parrot owner takes the apparatchiks to his kitchen, opens the refrigerator, reaches in and takes out a parrot. The poor bird has his feathers ruffled, beak tucked under wing, shivering.
"Does it talk?"
"Ya, sure. Come on, Polly, say something."
"D-D-D-DOWN WITH AM-M-M-M-ERICAN IMPERIALISTS! LONG LIVE OUR G-G-G-GLORIOUS COMMUNIST PARTY!"
"What a smart bird!" the apparatchiks say.
The parrot owner sees them to the door, shuts it, and returns to the kitchen.
"So, you stupid bird, I guess you understand what I mean by "Siberian Gulag", eh?

---

The USSR has the highest level of security in the world. In France, one factory owned by a firm doesn't know what another factory owned by the same firm is doing. In England, one laboratory does not know what a neighboring laboratory is doing. In the US, a worker does not know what his coworkers are doing. But here in the USSR, a worker doesn't know what HE is doing.

---

A Jew is explaining to an OVIR (department of visas and registration) bureaucrat that he has two reasons why he should be allowed to emigrate to Israel:

"Reason one: my neighbor is an anti-semite who routinely says to me "Just wait, as soon as the Soviet regime ends, I will cut you to ribbons!"

The bureaucrat replies, "So what are you afraid of? The Soviet regime will never end!"

"That's the second reason."

---

Q. When were the first Soviet elections held?

A. When God presented Eve to Adam and said, "Choose your wife."

ivan · « **Reply #37 on:** August 19, 2011, 03:22:31 PM »

So this nice Jewish gentleman decides to do some sun bathing on the beach, and spreads his towel near a rather nice looking lady. The lady peeks over her sunglasses at him, and, impressed by his good looks, starts up a conversation.

She: "Hello... Do you come here often?"
He: "Oh, now and again. "
She: "Are you from out of town?"
He: "No, I own a condo not far from here."
She: "Oh, so you're married?"
He: "No, widower."
She: "Oh, I'm sorry.
He: "It was a long time ago."
She: "Oh, I see. What do you for a living?"
He: "I'm retired."
She: "Ah. Any hobbies? Do you like to read? Go to the movies?"
He: "Sure, I like the movies."
She: "Restaurants? Fine dining?"
He: "Yes, sure."
She: "Pets? Dogs?"
He: "I had a dog. He died recently."
She: "Oh, I'm sorry."
He: "Yes, I loved him very much."
She: "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw himself upon her, tore off her bathing suit, and made mad passionate love to her for fifteen minutes. Exhausted, he rolled off and lit a cigarette.

She: "Wow! That was wonderful! How did you know I needed that?"
He: "How did you know my name is Katz?"

ivan · « **Reply #38 on:** September 20, 2011, 03:06:28 AM »

So this guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating." And the guy says, "Stop masturbating? Why do I have to stop masturbating?" And the doctor says, "So I can examine you."

Lracuda · « **Reply #39 on:** September 20, 2011, 08:54:59 AM »

Great

Bill and Bob are on a train and they pass a field of sheep.

Bill " I wonder how many sheep there are in that field?"

Bob "One hundred and fifty three"

Bill "How did you manage to count them so fast?"

Bob "That was easy, I just counted their legs and divided by four"

12 · « **Reply #40 on:** September 29, 2011, 02:19:07 PM »

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41
miles to the gallon!

Min · « **Reply #41 on:** October 16, 2011, 03:16:27 AM »

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and...... keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus...... he's screwing me."

"You got that right, lady," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

12 · « **Reply #42 on:** October 16, 2011, 03:53:53 AM »

+1

ivan · « **Reply #43 on:** October 16, 2011, 11:56:52 AM »

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

"Well, I discovered this gift when I was still pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?

The owner replies, "Eh, he's full of it. He never did any of that stuff."

Min · « **Reply #44 on:** November 08, 2011, 12:50:33 PM »

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

ivan · « **Reply #45 on:** November 08, 2011, 04:39:08 PM »

OH ROB!!!!

12 · « **Reply #46 on:** November 12, 2011, 03:07:53 PM »

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures
of the two 100 year old twins.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD!! - BOTH OF US?"

TameableExpert · « **Reply #47 on:** November 15, 2011, 01:18:54 AM »

Where the hell did you find that 12?

12 · « **Reply #48 on:** November 15, 2011, 06:16:30 PM »

Quote from: TameableExpert on November 15, 2011, 01:18:54 AM

Where the hell did you find that 12?

Email

Demosthenes · « **Reply #49 on:** November 15, 2011, 07:50:04 PM »

I just spent the last half an hour looking through my email and I couldn't find it.

YOU LIE.

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Author Topic: Do You KNow Someone Who Isn't Funny? (Read 14442 times)

12AX7

12AX7

12AX7