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Lacerda, News Correspondent
Just to let everyone know that I’m still alive, I’ve decided to do an update for this page. In this way, you will breathe a sigh of relief. "Phew," you will say, wiping sweat from your sweaty areas, "Lacerda is ok. Now back to pornography I go."
With that briefest of introductory-type things out of the way, I can tell you that today’s topic of choice is Holidays: How they Affect the Netizen.
FYI: "Netizen" is a combination of the terms "net" and "citizen" and means "a frequent or habitual user of the 'net (which is short for 'Internet')". I invented this new term, you see, and this is the first and only place you will ever see it used. If (impossibly!) you see it written anywhere else, please inform the author that they owe me fifteen dollars.
Let's eat babies! On with the show.
ChristmasWhat it is: A holiday ostensibly celebrating the birth of some kid named Haysoos, this seasonal delight was quickly co-opted by the Jew-run media and turned into a commercial sin-fest led by a jolly fat man (is there any other kind, I ask?) named Santa Claus (which is also an anagram for Satan ACLUs).
What it means to you: Cheesy & sentimental e-cards from elderly relatives who are just figuring out how to use "the technology"; Naked women holding candy canes and wearing Santa hats; A Photoshopped pictured of Santa drilling a reindeer.
EasterWhat it is: HAYSOOS ESCAPED! He got out of his cave! Huzzah! To celebrate, a large anthropomorphic bunny will now give you chocolate and eggs. What the fuck?
What it means to you: Lots of imagery of bunnies and baby chicks; Naked women wearing bunny ears; Commercial websites feature lame "Easter Egg Hunt" java games; a disappointing lack of Santa drilling a reindeer.
Hallowe’enWhat it is: Little kids run around shoving candy and razorblades into their pudgy little faces. Because greedy little children embarrass their parents, everyone makes sure to dress them up as something. Poor kids go as ghosts.
What it means to you: Many websites take on the inexplicably ugly orange & black theme; Goths feel it necessary to make comments on things (as if their opinion matters more now or something); Naked women with pumpkins on their heads holding loot bags; Shitty animated .gifs.
ThanksgivingWhat it is: I’ll tell you what it is, suckers. Up in Canada, we get to celebrate Thanksgiving like a month before you do. While your bloated bellies are causing you to say things like "Ooh, my poor stomach!" and "Pass the Rolaids!" and "This baby is coming right now, like it or not!", we’re feeling fit and trim, having pooped out all that stuffing long ago. Ha! Oh yeah, this holiday commemorates fucking over some Native Americans or something…
What it means to you: Saucy porn involving some guy dressed like a pilgrim and some woman dressed like a 'squaw'; More diet pop-up ads than usual; Santa REALLY drilling a reindeer. AW YEAH!
ChanukahWhat it is: "An eight-day festival beginning on the 25th day of Kislev, commemorating the victory in 165 B.C. of the Maccabees over Antiochus Epiphanes (c. 215-164 B.C.) and the rededication of the Temple at Jerusalem." (from
http://www.dictionary.com">Dictionary.com)
What it means to you: Pretty much nothing. You just don’t pay attention to other people’s cultures, do you? Fucker.
Well, that’s all I’m going to write for now. I’m sure I might have made a technical error here and there, but you have no right to complain as your entire existence is likely a technical error on the part of condom manufacturers.
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