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  • (January 12, 2023, 01:18:11 AM)

Author Topic: In AD 2101 War Was Beginning  (Read 2231 times)

Chris

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In AD 2101 War Was Beginning
« on: December 12, 2016, 08:31:14 PM »

How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us!
A couple of guys over at Bloomberg put together their predictions for the upcoming new year, and my main take away from reading through it is that they are still upset that Hillary lost the election. They are pretty much saying that since one man - Trump - won the 2016 Presidential Election in the US that the entire world as we know it is going to cease to exist.

Certainly, I will admit that he probably wasn’t the best candidate that the Republican Party could have nominated, but the sad reality is that come late January of 2017 he will be president whether we like it or not. Unless of course enough college kids skip class the day after he takes office. He might be forced to then step down or face the reality that because he took office millions of college students aren’t going to graduate with super useful pottery and ultimate frisbee degrees and cease to keep piling on to the tremendous student loan debt that will never be repaid. China will hate us if this happens since they own most of our debt, anyway.

Regardless, I highly doubt that we’re going to see that much change in his first term. I think people are giving modern day Washington too much credit thinking that stuff is actually going to get done for a change. Not going to happen. Sorry, folks. That’s like giving them credit for covering up aliens - do we honestly think that these guys can keep that a secret? Bill Clinton couldn’t even keep Monica Lewenski a secret.

But these guys at Bloomberg got me thinking… What is really going to happen in 2017? Is it going to be all doom and gloom like they want us to believe? No, I don’t think so. I reckon that it’s going to be a great year - I think there are going to be a lot of breakthroughs that are going to change the planet for the better. Here are my predictions for the upcoming new year.

Eradication of Gluten Intolerance
I took a trip to the local grocery story tonight and saw a twenty-something year old woman struggling in the bread aisle to find a loaf of bread that was gluten free. I’m guessing she had a severe gluten allergy, and so did her infant in the shopping cart.

Gluten intolerance has become an epidemic and is really starting to negatively impact the lives of people. It’s gotten so bad in fact that there are even online dating communities dedicated to those who have gluten intolerances. I’ve heard rumors that they are even developing a site similar to LinkedIn for professionals who have gluten intolerances and want to share their accomplishments.

A few researchers from Norway have recently announced that they are on the verge of eliminating gluten from all foods once and for all. They have been doing small scale studies in large abandoned warehouses in which they pump a special gas into the ventilation system and it actively works to destroy gluten in the foods in which it comes in contact. Researches say that if they could retro-fit commercial airliners with special tanks and release them mid flight it should provide enough coverage to stop the epidemic once and for all. They do, however, recommend that people wear tin foil hats when this happens because people are likely to think that planes are leaving behind what are known are “chem clouds”. Also, jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.

This stack of US currency represents the entire cost of tuition of just two Ultimate Frisbee graduates.
Elimination of All Student Loan Debt
It’s really no surprise that student loan debt is out of control in the United States. What did we expect was going to happen when colleges claimed that everyone should go to college and then society agreed and more or less shamed all young adults to go to college regardless of whether or not they should have actually went. How do we honestly expect an 18 year old kid who can barely even wake up before 10am on their own accord to make such significant financial decisions so early on in their life. They do not understand the weight of a 60, 70 or in some cases 100,000 dollar loan. Then to make matters worse, they major in something like ultimate frisbee and wonder how they’re going to pay back $100,000 with crazy interest rates.

But not to worry, 2017 is going to be their lucky year when Donald Trump takes a page out of Bernie Sanders’ book and mandates that all universities in the United States will be free for all and all outstanding student loan debt will be forgiven. Nevermind the immediate downward spiral the global economy would take because of such an event, but thank god almighty universities are finally free for all. Bring on the endless cry ins, free tacos, and exams that you may or may not have to take!

But how is this all going to be paid for? Don’t worry - Keely Mullen has a plan to make it happen that she so eloquently laid out on national TV in an interview with Neil Cavuto. We’re going to tax the 1% at an unheard of tax rate of 99% in order to make up for the inequality and unjust loans in the country. Unfortunately, this still leaves a fairly large gap that still needs to be covered. Maybe the problem lies within the tremendous increases in tuition? Just a thought.

Police Forces Turning in Their Weapons
In a strange turn of events in 2017, Trump is going to slowly but surely take away the guns from our men and women in uniform and instead give them rape whistles and wooden pistols to stop the bad guys. We can thank the 2010 movie “The Other Guys” for this.

It’s no surprise that the media wants us to believe that it’s all over if you get pulled over by the police. They want you to think that you’re going to get shot up for speeding or not using your indicator when turning. In fact, rumor has it that some countries are actually issuing warnings to their citizens that they advise against traveling to the United States if they do not have to. What the media doesn’t tell you, however, is that if you are speeding, pulled over, and then give them a hard time and lead them to believe that you have something to hide you’re more likely to be viewed in a negative light by law enforcement. How it unfolds from there is between you and the police officer, but you probably shouldn’t let it ever get to that point. I will agree that there are crooked cops out there just as there are crooked teachers, doctors, etc, but the media has blown this out of proportion.

The police paranoia has gotten so bad, in fact, that people are actually calling the police well... on the police. You’re a cop trying to take college courses by attending courses right after a shift but don’t have time to change out of your uniform? Watch out, the professor is likely to stop the class and dial 911 because you’re an armed police officer in class. Obviously, in this situation, the police refused to show up citing that the police officer was well within his rights to open carry while in class. If anything, wouldn’t those in class feel more safe with a police officer given how many school shootings there have been recently?

Not to worry, Trump is going to pass an executive order prohibiting all police officers from carrying any type of real weapon with them lest it’s a rape whistle or wooden pistol. This should put an end to the rash of killings carried out by police with itchy trigger fingers. The proposed order will state that until the score is even between civilians and police, they will not be able to carry firearms. Once even, they then will be able to carry a pistol with a special one round magazine.

Google Image Search for 'skull cap'... Close enough, I guess.
All US-Based ISPs Imposing Asinine Bandwidth Caps
Thinking about being one of the millions who are “cutting the cord”? Think again. It’s no secret that cable companies in the US absolutely RAPE their customers. Between outlandish costs to “rent” their crappy equipment, about four minutes of commercials per ten minutes of live content, and them throttling traffic from Netflix and other streaming services, it doesn’t take an industry expert to understand that they have a virtual monopoly on digital content consumption in the US, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. And they know this.

Going to cut the cord? Fine, go ahead and do it. But they will just put some insanely low bandwidth cap on your connection and then charge you X per gig over that limit. Why? Because they have to (want to) come up with that lost income somehow and that’s the way that they can do it. And what do you know? Come the end of the month your bill will almost be exactly the same as it was prior to cutting the cord.

I would wager a fair amount of money that many major ISPs in 2017 will be implementing lower and lower bandwidth caps until the FCC has to step in and mandate it. What’s next? ISPs are going to start filtering out what they believe to be “fake news” since it doesn’t promote their agenda and their respective party they are backing in Washington?

Under no circumstances am I to be held liable should any of the above actually happen or not in 2017. I think this is the same for every year that goes by, but 2016 shouldn't be a really hard year to overcome. 2017 doesn't have big shoes to fill, that's for certain. I for one, however, am anxious to see what the year 2101 A.D. brings us.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2016, 08:32:55 PM by Chris »
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