But my mamba isn't working.
Thanks in advance Mr. Reimero!
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<Title>Smoke that shit!</Title>
<center><b><tt>Dispatch From the Funny Farm</tt></b></center>
<center><b><tt>Musings by Lucille Satan Samuel</tt></b></center>
<center><b><tt>Volume I - Fire Breathing Geeks</tt></b></center>
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<p>Smoking. Everybody knows it's cool, hip, and good for your nose and throat. But what is it's biggest draw... and more importantly, is it fundamentally geeky? I've started a quest to find out what makes some of us inhale the flames of Nicotiana Tobacum and it's rugged variants since we found them in the South Americas in 1519. I want to know just what the hell makes me sit down with a pipe three or four times a day, and how it affects geeks of all kinds across the world!</p>
<p>Let us start with the simple: Tobacco Nerds! Yes, those special people who will settle for nothing less than the perfect pipe smoke, the ideal Bolivar cigar, or the finest Nat Sherman cig. Like a sommelier, a gourmand, or even a simple pin head, the Tobacco Nerd culls tobacco not simply as a physical addiction, but as a freakish hobby! I recently tracked down one such man; a Tobacconist named Jason Whiticker. I made him talk with veiled threats of a very unfortunate Call of Cthulhu session next Wednesday, and he shed some light on his nerdiness, and he consented to an interview not hours ago! I was there with my Casio recorder to get it all. Obviously, what your are about to read may awe you, so be careful...</p>
<p>Luci: Alright lad, I want to first thank you for getting this impromptu teleconference together.</p>
<p>Jason: Wait a minute, what teleconference? You're loitering in my shop. You've been loitering here for an hour sampling tobacco and threatening me.</p>
<p>L: Exactly so. Feel free to give your character back 14 sanity points next session for this, but for now, lets get back to the topic at hand: your weed fixation. Is tobacco considered a weed?</p>
<p>J: In some areas, it is considered a predatory plant, sure. Weed fixati...</p>
<p>L: Just so. Tell me how you came to be a tobacco fiend. Keep it short, flah.</p>
<p>J: It's been in the family, I suppose. My father owned a cigar importing shop in North Carolina for the longest time, before the Cuban embargo, and I picked up the love from him. My father took all his pleasure seriously (at this point Jason gave a very unsettling chuckle and I was afraid I might have to club him.)</p>
<p>L: How did you come to the northwest then?</p>
<p>J: Uh, Reed College, down in Portland. I just kind of fell in love with the area, it was all fresh and different from the east coast. I've lived out here 19 years now. Opened this shop 7 years ago, and business has really been steady.</p>
<p>L: I imagine it's one of the only places left in town where you can light up and have a drink.</p>
<p>J: Other than some of my rivals, that's about right. But business is always good, as you know I focus mostly on pipes and a very select amount of cigars.</p>
<p>L: Wine as well.</p>
<p>J: Wines, imported beers, it's good to mix pleasures.</p>
<p>L: I agree, I agree. Your beard doesn't exits, though.</p>
<p>J: Beard?</p>
<p>L: Greatest pleasure of all. Never mind, anyway, as you know I am compiling a very important article here on the esoteric values of complete tobacco nerds.</p>
<p>J: Sure.</p>
<p>L: And, em.. you are one. Quite a nerd really. So, in this first interview, I want to know... just how passionate do you get? Have you ever gotten lost in the passions of the perfect smoke.</p>
<p>J: Always. I think the thing about [pipe] smoking especially, as a pleasure, is that it presents this whole new character to you. You become a more determined, introspective person. So I'm always looking to improve what I can offer with my blends.</p>
<p>L: You blend all the pipe tobaccos yourself, then?</p>
<p>J: Oh yes, I used to carry some of Davidoff's tins but...</p>
<p>L: Not as they say... up to snuff?</p>
<p>J: I hate you.</p>
<p>L: Now, I'm smoking one right now called Brandywine. What goes into that?</p>
<p>J: As you know, since you always buy me out, it's a wonderful blend. It has several different textures to it, both in flavour and scent. I start it off with a burgundy [wine] flavoured light Virginian, it starts off nice and mildly sweet. That leads into the Number 5 Watson blend, which is a very interesting English bitter, but with a little sweetness in the form of vanilla. Then it finishes with my personal favourite, which I call the Took Hall blend, another light Virginian with just a dash of English bitters. It gives it a very smooth finish, but the smoke smells absolutely robust.</p>
<p>L: And in the spirit of smoothe finishes, I have to go write this up, and you're boring me. I'll see you tomorrow, we'll pick this back up. FOR SEGMENT TWO! Later, ye bastard.</p>
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<p>My first scouting into the mind of a tobacco fiend was almost too daunting for me to return to my favourite coffeehouse to right this up, so I sat down for a quiet pipe first. That done, I had to decipher his meanings... obviously, they speak in deep code. Carolina? Cuban? College? Obviously they base their language around C's. I will keep you updated, Geeks, with my next report! Until then I must work on this codex... codex... all the C's!</p>
<p> - LuciferSam</p>
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